Are You Setting Goals You Actually Want?

Before you work any harder towards your goals this year, I have one question worth asking:

Are you setting goals that you actually want?

That's what I'm covering, so you know whether you're chasing the right thing.

This is important at this time of year, as we're finishing up summer and coming into the fall. It's important any time of the year. But it's especially important now, before you do that final push, to ask: Are you chasing things you think you should want?

The Problem with How Ambitious Women Set Goals

Ambitious women are really good at setting goals or long lists of to-dos anyway. But not every goal comes from a genuine desire.

• Some come from expectations, comparison, or it's just the next rung on the ladder. 
  
• Some come from wanting to prove yourself, or simply because it looks like the next logical step.
  

Many times we pick a goal because it’s what you’d always said you wanted. Then we just stick with it, even though it doesn't feel like the goal that we actually want anymore.

My Own Story: The Certification I Didn't Actually Want

Years back, I was doing training as part of my work, and I thought, "Wow, I want a certification in this." There's something called a Certified Training Professional (CTP), and you can take courses and get certified. But I thought, I've been doing this for so long; I can probably just challenge the exam and send in an example of my training and workshops.

To challenge the exam, I thought I should probably read every book they suggest in case there's some specific philosophy, theory, procedure, or formula in their exact wording I should know. So I bought all the books and made a reading plan, but I just wasn't doing it. I wasn't excited about it. I was thinking, How am I going to get through this?

Thankfully, I brought this topic to my coach. I said, "I'm just not moving forward. I need some motivation on this." She brought me back to: What makes this important to you? What still makes you want to do it?

I thought, "Well, because I said I would do it."

She said, "But do you still want to do it?"

I was like, "No."

She said, "But do you want the outcome?"

I thought about it. Not really.

BUT I'm the kind of person who finishes what I start. 

I paid to do it. 

I bought all the books. ​

I said I would do it. 

It's the next logical thing. 

But after some more coaching, I realized: I don't want to do this. So why am I still doing this?

Part of me thought letting go of this original goal was failure. But through coaching, I realized it's not failure. It's just me choosing what I want now. Letting that go creates room for something that feels more aligned.

Have you ever bought some clothing, a piece of furniture, or even a meal and thought, "I'm so excited. This is so amazing!" and then later you're like, "Oh, this doesn't fit right. This actually isn't my style anymore. I wish I could have had this other thing instead."?

It's the same with goals.

What Are "Should Goals" and Why Do They Feel So Heavy?

We need to ditch the "should goals." Here's what they look like:

• "I should be making more money"
  
• "I should build a bigger home"
  
• "I should launch that offer"
  
• "I should be on that platform"
  
• "I should be further ahead"
  
• "I should want what other successful women seem to want"
  

These goals may sound impressive. They could even be smaller things. But they can often feel heavy because of that word should. That is someone else's expectations on us. That feeling of: if I'm not doing this, I'm wrong in some way.

Women can assume they're procrastinating when they may actually be resisting a goal that doesn't belong to them. 

That's why we need to check in with the goal. 

You might not be stuck.

It might be that it's not the right goal for you anymore.

Why It's Hard to Hear Your Own Voice

In coaching, we get to hear our inner voice. It's hard to hear your own voice when you're alone inside the business, inside your life; you're just too close to the decisions. While you may be feeling something, you're hearing it but not listening to it.

This is actually something I bring up in my one-woman show, Chasing, where there's a character called the Spark. The main character has lost her spark. And the Spark says, "Yeah, she stopped listening to me years ago."

Maybe there's an inner voice that you've just stopped listening to.

Thankfully, with my coach at the time, was able to pull out what I really wanted (not the certification) and let it go. Even though I spent money, made a commitment, and had all the books, I was allowed to let it go. Coaching gives that space to separate what you genuinely want from what you've maybe been told, or what you previously wanted.

We can change our minds.

The Client Who Wanted a Promotion, But Actually Wanted Something Else

I had a very ambitious client who came to me thinking she needed help achieving a specific goal. She wanted a promotion. But underneath that was: “I want to be more balanced and happy.”

Was the promotion really the solution?

After talking it through, doing the wheel of life, and really seeing what an ideal life looked like, she realized the promotion wasn't really what she wanted. If she wanted more balance and happiness, it actually wasn't getting the promotion, working harder, and making more money. Her boss had said, "Yeah, this is going to happen in the future." People around her were supporting her: her husband, her friends, everybody.

She said to me, "Diane, is it wrong that I just want to be at home and make crafts with my kids and grilled cheese sandwiches?"

I said, "No. If that makes you happy, then that's great. That's what we'll work towards."

She said, "But it's not a BHAG: a big, hairy, audacious goal."

I said, "So is it what you want?"

She said, "Yeah."

And once she was able to see that, she could choose a direction that just felt way more aligned. She became more confident, happier, and she moved forward naturally. It created that balance she was craving, all because she let go of someone else's version of success and chose her own.

Why This Matters Right Now

Fall often feels like a fresh start. For us here in North America, school starts in September, and business starts to pick up. We get back into our routines. You start thinking, "Okay, get back on that goal."

But it gives you that chance to pause and ask: Is what I said I wanted still what I want to accomplish?

You get to have that option. 

It's worth asking whether the goal still fits what you want, and still fits your life because carrying the wrong goals into a busy season just creates more pressure. You don't want more pressure.

She's Goaled: The Space to Get Clear on What You Actually Want

This is exactly the kind of focus we have inside She's Goaled, my Group Coaching Mastermind Program. (Doors close September 4th at 11:59 PM Pacific.)

I want to be clear: I'm not telling you to drop all your goals. Sometimes the goal doesn't need to be dropped. Sometimes it's about achieving it differently.

For example, I didn't write my book by typing at a computer or writing in a pad. I actually wrote a program and had that made into a book. That's a different way of looking at getting to a goal.

Or like my client wanting balance and happiness, and it wasn't the promotion that would get her there. It was being a stay-at-home mom.

Sometimes it's making the goal even bigger than it was before. That's pretty exciting, too.

Women arrive thinking they need help achieving one specific goal. Sometimes the first breakthrough is actually realizing that the goal needs to be rewritten. Inside She's Goaled, you get:

• Coaching to pull out what you genuinely want, not what you've been told to want
  
• Clarity about what matters most in this season, with who you are and what you have going on
  
• The Wheel of Life assessment and other tools to see what an ideal life actually looks like for you
  
• Permission to let go of goals that no longer fit so you can focus on ones that do
  
• Mastermind power — not just my perspective as the coach, but the other women in the group who really understand the choices and can reflect things back honestly
  
• Planning, accountability, and support that is behind what you genuinely want
  

That clarity can save months of effort. 

Imagine if I had gotten coaching around that trainer certification earlier; I probably wouldn't have invested all that time, money, and energy into those books ad the process in the first place.

Before you create another plan, before you push yourself harder, make sure the goal is actually yours. 

Make sure it's what your current self still wants. Because you don't need more discipline, more accountability, or more motivation for a destination you really don't want. 

You just need honesty, perspective, and support to choose what fits you now.

Applications for She's Goaled are open. 

A Final Reminder

A goal you don't actually want will fight you every step of the way. There will be friction, and no amount of discipline can fix that.

Before you push harder this fall, ask yourself honestly: Is this goal actually mine? Does it still fit who I am and what I want right now?

If the answer is yes, run at it with everything you have.

If the answer is no, give yourself permission to let it go, rewrite it, or find the version that actually fits.

You can't build the life you want by chasing goals that belong to someone else.

Until next time, stay dynamic!

Diane

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Frequently Asked Questions

What is a "should goal" and why is it a problem?

A "should goal" is a goal driven by external expectations, comparison, or social pressure rather than genuine personal desire. Examples include "I should be making more money," "I should launch that offer," or "I should want what other successful women seem to want." Should goals feel heavy because they carry someone else's expectations, not your own. They often create resistance, procrastination, and a persistent feeling that something is off, even when you're making progress.

How do you know if a goal is actually right for you?

Ask yourself: Do I genuinely want this, or do I want it because I said I would, because I've already invested in it, or because it seems like the next logical step? If the goal feels heavy, if you keep procrastinating on it despite having the skills and resources, or if you feel resistance rather than excitement, it may be worth examining whether the goal truly belongs to you in this season of life.

Why do ambitious women set goals they don't actually want?

Ambitious women are skilled at goal setting, but not every goal comes from genuine desire. Goals can come from expectations of others, comparison to peers, wanting to prove themselves, or simply following what seems like the logical next step. Over time, these externally-driven goals can feel misaligned, but the investment already made (time, money, commitment) makes them hard to let go of.

What should you do when a goal no longer feels right

Letting go of a goal that no longer fits isn't failure. It's choosing what you want now. Sometimes a goal needs to be dropped entirely, sometimes it needs to be rewritten or achieved in a different way, and sometimes it needs to be made even bigger. The key is getting honest, outside perspective to separate what you genuinely want from what you've been told to want or what you previously wanted.

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I'm Diane Rolston, award-winning life and business coach, professional speaker, podcast host, and founder of Dynamic Women Global Club. I help ambitious women get clear on what they actually want  and build a plan to make it happen. Learn more at dianerolston.com.