Designing Your Relationships (Instead of Letting Them Happen by Default)

Most relationships just happen by default, and we assume they'll work out. But relationships shape our energy, our happiness, and our growth. If you want to design your relationships intentionally, keep reading.

Most Relationships Are Built by Default

Think of the people in your life:

• Friends who were work colleagues before
  
• School friends who stay your friends out of habit
  
• Neighbors you became friends with
  
• Parents of your kids' schoolmates, teammates, or dance/music moms
  
• Friends of friends, your partner's friends
  

We just become friends with the people around us.

This came up with one of my clients recently. She's been with a friend for over 18 years, and they continue the friendship simply because it's always been there. Over time, she's realized this relationship has changed. My client is levelling up who she is as a person, but the friend has stayed in the same place with some negative habits.

You don't have to stay in the same friendships. I also don't think you need to just cut people out because it's not the type of friendship you want. There is an opportunity to design relationships; otherwise, they will stay the same. We never pause to rethink them or design what is ideal for that friendship.

In business relationships, you talk things through about who's going to do what roles. You have roles and responsibilities, KPIs (key performance indicators) on those roles, and everyone knows what they're supposed to be doing. 

But in friendships, especially, it's not always clear-cut. Also, in parenting, it's not always clear-cut how you show up as parents, as partners in the marriage, and with your children.

Designing relationships doesn't mean controlling the other person. It doesn't mean that saying how you want things to be means they'll be that way. It's just how can you intentionally choose the right type of relationship and grow and evolve the ones you currently have?

This comes from my coaching work around designing the alliance, designing how the coach and client are going to work together, and we can take that and move that professionally into every area of life.

What Can You Design?

Here are things really in your control:

1. The Type of Connection You Want

Do you want them to be really close to you, or further out? If we look at the circles of closeness and how they are with you: Is it deep or shallow friendship? Is it a best friend, a close friend, or just an acquaintance?

2. The Energy You Bring

Is there lots of energy or not so much energy in the friendship? Is it a one-on-one type of energy? Is it group energy?

3. The Time You Invest

Is this a friend you're going to make a habit of calling, spending weekends with, sometimes even a weekend away? Maybe you go for coffee or walks, hang out. How much time are you going to give to the friendship?

4. The Boundaries You Set

Is your boundary around who's making all the plans? Is the boundary around how much time you're going to have together, or what you do together?

5. Expectations Around How You Communicate

Maybe you want quick texts because you're both really busy. Or in another friendship, maybe you don't want it to be just texts. You want to be able to get on the phone and actually talk with them.

The Five People You Spend the Most Time With

Jim Rohn says you are the sum of the five people that you spend the most time with. If you look at the five people you spend a lot of time with, those relationships and those people are forming you and who you are.

After knowing you become who you spend time with, you will probably want to start:

• Choosing deeper conversations with friends instead of surface-level ones
  
• Having regular time to connect so you can build on that friendship
  
• Be honest about what you need in a friendship
  

We have different seasons of life. Maybe at some points you have to bring your kids or your pet. Maybe other times you need to meet earlier in the day rather than later, or it has to be just a phone call rather than actually meeting.

Redesigning a Friendship

I have a friend who was in a different stage of life. I asked her, "If we were to redesign our friendship, what would you want it to be like?"

She said, "Well, I feel like I'm always the one calling you and I'm always the one inviting you out."

I said, "You're right, and I can see how that would be hurtful or that you'd want to be invited out."

The reality was I had two children under four at the time, and she had a nine-to-five job, no children, no partner. I had a husband, two kids under four, and I was working my business for multiple hours a day because I was caring for the children.

I said to her, "Yeah, I'm really sorry for that, but I'm just in a stage of my life right now where that's all I can do. If you call me and ask, I'm almost always gonna say yes. I'm just in a period right now where I can't always be thinking, organizing, and making my way out to see you. It's just the season I'm in."

She totally understood that, but I made more of an effort to reach out and care for her.

Healthy relationships don't happen by accident. They rarely do.  Instead, it's about seeking them out and shaping them into what we want them to be. 

Different Relationships Need Different Designs

Not every relationship plays the same role in your life:

• Supportive friendships: They listen to you, and you know they're never going to judge you
  
• Growth relationships: They challenge you because they're doing cool things in their life
  
• Business relationships: Partnerships, mentorships, coach-client relationships
  
• Family relationships: Parenting, sibling and child etc.
  

A Family Example

A client of mine was taking her daughter's dog almost every weekend. She had just retired, and it seemed her free time was taken up by dog-sitting. She had to say no to plans with her own friends because she had her daughter's dog.

She realized her daughter only called her when she needed help with something. The mom was feeling like, "You don't care about our relationship. You don't care about me, because I'm just here to do things for you."

Once she shared her feelings with her daughter, she also shared, "You know, I'd love to be able to do things with you and be called to be someone that you confide in or can cheer you on, rather than someone who can do something for you."

That relationship improved once she set that expectation. There was a bit of push and shove in the beginning. The daughter was not happy because she had to find another dog sitter. But that really deepened their friendship as mother and daughter, because the mother wasn't resentful of having to take care of the dog, and the daughter now benefited from having the mom in this different role.

One design does not fit every person or every relationship. You need to think about how that works for you.

Small Ways to Start Designing Relationships

1. Be Intentional About Who You Spend Time With

Look at your schedule. Are your friends on there? Are your important relationships on there? Your spouse, your parents, siblings, children are they on there?

Schedule the connection instead of just assuming it will happen.

I reached out to three women from my church and said, "You know, I really would like for us to get together again." We used to be in a women's Bible study group, but for different reasons, we've been pulled out of that. We said, "Yeah, let's get together once a month, the four of us to have that friendship time."

2. Express Appreciation More Often

Share how you feel and how you enjoyed your time together.  Often, when I am with friends or after we meet, I would say, "Wow, it was so great to be together. Thank you so much. I really enjoyed this. Let's do it again." Then scheduled the next time.

3. Communicate Your Expectations Clearly

I recently had a friend who is now living across the world. She said to me, "Hey, I want to connect with you more."

I said, "Yeah, I've been trying to schedule a Zoom with you."

She said, "Well, with the time difference, it's so hard. If we could just talk more by messages back and forth, I'd love to hear your voice."

She was very clear about how she wanted to communicate with each other.

4. Set Boundaries That Protect the Relationships

You do not want to be resentful of the other person or feel like you're being taken advantage of.

With a friend or a relationship you want to expand and get better:

• Start doing a regular coffee date with them
  
• With your family, do a ritual during weekly dinners to connect, like what was your rose and thorn (highlight and low point)
  
• With a mentor, have a monthly check-in call
  

Really, small intentions can strengthen relationships. It can be other things, like little texts that you're thinking of them.

Every Friday morning, a friend's husband sends a quote and a little message to all his friends, and then spends the next three or four hours replying to what they send back. That's how he is intentionally evolving those relationships and caring for those friends.

Relationships Naturally Evolve

Sadly or excitingly, relationships do naturally evolve. People grow, and life changes.

I had a best friend at my work. We were working together on a volunteer opportunity. So we spent quite a bit of time together, and our friendship grew a lot. She was even my maid of honour at my wedding.

Over time, I got married, had kids, and she was always so supportive, always there, such a great friend. She was living downtown and enjoying the nightlife with friends, and I couldn't go. But we still made it a point to be friends in each other's lives, and the relationship has continued.

Some relationships deepen, some shift, and some naturally fade. But we've both been really adamant that we do not want this friendship to die.

When she moved away, we started a weekly morning call as she drove to work, just to check in and chat. While we are at different stages of our lives (she's working a job, I have a business; she has a partner, I have a husband; I have two kids, and previously she had dogs), this friendship really matters.

Now that the driving thing doesn't happen for her (she's moved again), we are making a point of getting together when she's in town for dinners, going to the spa together, and even having a girls' getaway every once in a while.

While that friendship has changed over time, it's still important to me. Sometimes we have to realize that a relationship has served its purpose in a certain season, or we need to design relationships so they can evolve instead.

My 50 Before 50 Challenge

I hope this has you thinking about how you can now put some time and energy into evolving friendships.

I've created this kind of funny goal for myself. I feel almost embarrassed sharing it, but I'm 46 (I'll be turning 47 in September), and my goal for my 50th birthday is to be able to invite 50 good friends.

So my 50 before 50 challenge has started, where I am intentionally building relationships with 50 different people.

Final Thoughts

My hope for you is that you have a really strong group of people around you. When you think of you're the average or the sum of the five people that you spend the most time with, those are solid people that you are intentionally choosing in your life and designing that relationship to be ideal.

Just like we design our goals, our business, and our plans, we can also design the relationships in our lives that support us, who we want to be and how we want to live.

Maybe it's time to send this to a friend of yours with whom you'd like to redesign the friendship. It doesn't mean there's a problem and you need to redesign. It is an opportunity.

Until next time, stay dynamic!