The 50 Friends by 50 Challenge (And What It’s Teaching Me)

I recently published on social media about wanting 50 friends before I turn 50, and I'll be honest, I almost didn't post it. It felt way too vulnerable. 

In this blog, I'm sharing more about the 50 friends by 50 challenge, why I'm doing it (the vulnerable part), and what it's teaching me.

The Pattern Started Early

Let me start with when I was younger. In high school, I've always been the person who knows a lot of people and is known by a lot of people. I knew classmates, students from sports and clubs and the student council, plus my soccer and rugby friends.

I wasn't around at lunchtime because I was always in a meeting or catching up on something for sports. I had a friend who kept me connected to the group, but I had a lot of acquaintances and teammates, not a ton of super-close friends.

But this was the age of no cell phones and no texting. I'd sit at home waiting for the call to know where people were going, and I wouldn't get it. I'd often sit at home by myself.

I'd get to the lunch table on Monday, and people would talk about a party that had happened. I'd sit there quietly because I wasn't there. People would say, "Why weren't you there, Diane?" Everyone thought everyone else was inviting me. I also had a boyfriend for many years, which took up some of my free time.

The Pattern Continued as an Adult

As an adult, moving out to BC, I started making new friends through Toastmasters, soccer, and rugby. I remember sitting after a Toastmasters event, talking about wanting to hike in North Vancouver, but feeling nervous to do it alone because of bears.

Another lady around my age said, "Oh, I thought you have so many friends you can go with."

I said, "No, I don't."

She was shocked. She said, "I've been wanting to hang out with you, but I just thought you already had a lot of friends."

It was a real eye-opener. I'm either putting that energy out there, or because I know a lot of people, people think I have tons of friends.

I've always had a few super close friends growing up, but one now lives across Canada (because I moved), another in Australia, another across the world and another further away in BC. I have some friends, but again, as an adult, I know many people and many know me. When I was running the Dynamic Women community across eight locations, I met hundreds of women, but they weren't my close friends.

The Birthday Party Dilemma

When it came to my birthday, it felt weird saying, "Hey, do you want to come to my birthday party?" I felt very vulnerable asking. That idea of "Don't you have a ton of friends? You only know me a little bit. Why would you invite me?"

I often had super small birthdays because I felt weird, bad, and uneasy asking people. One year, I didn't really do anything. The following year, I decided to do breakfasts, lunches, and dinners with my Dynamic Women community in different cities. Women came, and it was wonderful. I felt honoured they would want to come.

Since I haven't really been running Dynamic Women® events, I've been thinking, "What's going to happen when I hit my 50th birthday?" I would love for my husband to throw a party for me, but would I have friends to invite?

I've been to other people's 50th birthdays where they rented a place and had all these people there, and it wasn't just people, it was their friends. I thought, "Wow, that would be so cool if I could confidently invite 50 friends to that party."

I'm 46 now, turning 47 in September. It's not like I haven't built closer friends here.

I do have friends at church, soccer, business, in my neighbourhood, and parents of my kids' friends. I just want them to be closer friends.

How I Learned to Be a Better Friend

One lady I met at Dynamic Women® started calling me on Mondays. We'd chat, get closer, and she kept calling every week. I felt so special that she called me.

A lot of times, when people invite me, call me, message me, or say they're happy to see me, I feel so good. I feel like I've missed out on that kind of feeling, which is very vulnerable and almost embarrassing to admit.

I'm at that stage of life where I've been thinking a lot about friendships and about having more super-close girlfriend friendships. I know people who have had the same group of friends for years, and they all still hang out because they all live near each other.

The Realization

I've built businesses, been married for 16 years, and have kids who are 11 and 14 now. My life is full, just like I'm sure yours is.

Over time, I started to notice: I've been intentional about growing my business, but not nearly as intentional about growing my friendships.

That friend who became close by calling me every week taught me something. You can intentionally build closer friendships, not just be friends with people by default or hope they get closer.

I don't want to get to 50 and feel like I've let potential good friendships drift or never happen. I want to be surrounded by people at my 50th, not because I want to say, "Look at how many people care about me," but because I want to say, "Look at how many people are important to me, and I'm important to them."

The Surprising Support

I remember someone I'd only met twice found out my son had broken his femur at two and a half years old, and she set up a meal train. I was so surprised. She asked, "Who should I invite to partake?" I said, "I don't know." That seems like something you'd do for a friend, someone you know well.

When I had my babies here and considered a baby shower, I thought, "Who do I invite? I don't even know who I would invite." It's a weird feeling.

The 50 friends by 50 is not for the enjoyment of that party. It's really about the process of getting there and having really rich relationships in my life.

The Vulnerable Post

When I did the post, I thought, "Can I really let this go out there? I should delete it. I don't want it to be public knowledge that I don't have a ton of close friends."

Then the response was amazing. Other people said, "I feel this too. I want that for myself." Some were younger, some older. They wanted to do it as well.

It made me realize how common this is. People are always longing for a sense of belonging.

The most emotional thing was ladies commenting, "I want to be there" (claiming a spot at the party), and people closer to me saying, "Count me in your 50." I had people I don't know well wanting to connect for coffee to get closer. That was really encouraging and exciting.

The Categories

When I came up with this challenge, I went to the notes section on my phone and started listing groups of people:

• Friends (ones I've had forever)
• Church friends
• Neighborhood friends
• CAPS (Canadian Association of Professional Speakers) friends
• Soccer friends
• Business friends

I wrote down the names of people I'm already close to and the names of people I'm intentionally building friendships with. Surprisingly, the list was longer than I expected.

What I'm Learning

Friendships don't maintain themselves. Just because you've known someone for a long time doesn't mean they're in your inner circle. It takes intention and time.

People are more open to connecting than we think. That's really cool.

I've been setting up small, intimate business events that have the potential to build friendships with women who can inspire and challenge me, and vice versa, where we can do life and business together (which is part of why I created Dynamic Women® in the first place).

I've been messaging people: "Hey, do you want to get together for coffee? Do you want to go for a walk?" I have 3.5 years to make this work.

What's Coming Next

In my next blogs, I'll cover:

1. Why high-achieving women struggle to maintain friendships
   
2. The friendship gap no one is talking about
   
3. How to build and maintain meaningful friendships as a busy woman
   

I'll keep you posted on how the 50 friends by 50 goes. It's teaching me a lot and shifting a lot for me.

I've been reaching out to people I haven't talked to in a while, even just to say, "Hey, I was thinking about you." Every time I do it, I think, "Why didn't I do this sooner?"

This isn't about the party with 50 friends. It's about the process and the joy that come with strong friendships and not leaving connection to chance.

Your Turn

That wasn't as vulnerable as I expected (I didn't cry, which is cool), but it is still hard for me to share.

If you can relate, let me know. Send me a message at [email protected]. Share this with a friend or potential friend. Maybe this will start a conversation about wanting to hang out more and do more things together.

Until next time, stay dynamic!