The Friendship Gap That No One Talks About

There’s a friendship gap that doesn’t get talked about much, but a lot of high achievers feel it. Today, I want to share what that gap really is… and see if any part of it feels familiar to you.

This is the third in a series all about friendship. The first one is about the 50 friends before I’m 50 challenge that I’m committing to. The second one is about why high-achieving women struggle to maintain friendships. The next one will be about how to build and maintain meaningful friendships. 

The Gap Isn't About Not Having Friends

It's deeper. It's about the depth of those friendships.

There's something I don't think we talk enough about: we can have a really full life but still feel really disconnected. You can know a lot of people and still not feel deeply known, or still feel lonely.

I've had moments where my calendar is full of events with lots of people, my business is moving forward, I have lots of clients, my family is good, and yet something feels a little bit off. It's not that I feel bad or like life is terrible. It's just like something's missing.

When I really looked at it, it wasn't more people I needed. This is not about getting just 50 people to be my friend, because I can just name off 50 people.

It's the deeper connections with the right people. I'm not saying there are wrong people, but the right friendships for me and that I'm the right friend for them, and that we have a deeper connection.

Surface Level vs. Depth

What I’ve noticed is this layer of surface-level friendships and acquaintances.

There are a lot of people in my life. A lot of conversations, interactions, and little touchpoints throughout the day. It can look full from the outside.

But it doesn’t always feel deep.

And it’s not because they can’t go there, or I can’t go there. It’s just that we haven’t crossed that line into something deeper yet.

The Circles of Closeness

I was talking about this inside my Dynamic You program, and one of the women brought up something really interesting.

She said, “I know a lot of people… but I don’t actually want to bring everyone in close.”

Because she’s so warm and friendly, people tend to open up to her really quickly. And she finds herself thinking, “Whoa, whoa… we just met. This isn’t the level I’m trying to be at right now.”

And it led to this conversation around circles of closeness.

Not everyone belongs in the same circle. You might have a small handful of people who are truly close, your inner circle. And then, like rings on a tree, it expands outward. Still meaningful, still valuable… just different levels of depth and access.

The High Achiever Experience

A lot of times, high-achieving women are often the leaders, the ones running things, holding space, teaching, training, being there for others, coaching, advising, consulting, or just being a role model to others. They're often the successful ones in the room, and they just feel like they don't have a place where they can actually just exhale, to be fully themselves, to say what's really going on beneath the surface.

I realized that I've fallen into that. I've had proximity to a lot of people, but not always closeness.

I was chatting with someone I consider a friend through my church and in the business world. Just sharing openly about this and how it was vulnerable for me to share it. She was like, "Yeah, I thought you knew a lot of people."

I shared, "Yeah, I do, but I don't have a lot of close friends."

She agreed that she's had trouble in certain parts of her life forming those stronger, deeper friendships. She's tried. She's put herself out there, she's reached out, and she just hasn't had the same response.

There's a difference between being around people and feeling truly connected and able to be yourself, where you can let your wall down.

There are the surface-level friendships, the acquaintances, and then the people who really know you.

Often, high-achieving women have wide circles. They know so many people in so many areas of their life, but they don't always get to go deep. That's the gap. That is often a very big gap.

It's not that they lack people or great people who could be fabulous, deeper friends. It's just they're lacking the depth.

Real Life Examples of the Gap

Here’s what it can actually look like in everyday life:

“We should catch up soon.”
And somehow… that turns into months.

“Hey, how are things?”
“Good, good… busy.”
And that’s where it ends.

Those quick check-ins happen in passing, in a hallway, at the mall, in a DM. The moment doesn’t really allow for depth, and if we’re honest, sometimes neither person is ready for the real answer anyway.

And then there are the messages that never get sent.

You think of someone… but don’t reach out.
You mean to send a voice note… but don’t.
You see their message… and don’t get back to it.

Individually, they feel small. But over time, they add up… and keep the relationship sitting at the surface instead of moving deeper.

I was away recently, and both a neighbour and a friend sent me Happy Easter messages. I remember sitting by the pool, thinking through what I wanted to say back… and then I just never hit send.

When I got home, I felt bad. I apologized and replied, but it made me realize how easily those small moments slip by.

And the same thing happens on social media.

Likes and comments are great. I’ve had moments where I think, “Wow, they care about me. They’re engaging with what I’m sharing.” And that does matter.

But it doesn’t deepen the relationship. It maintains a connection.

Those quick touchpoints, the scroll, the like, the short chat at a networking event… they can fill that space just enough to feel connected.

But not enough to feel truly seen, supported, or known.

When You Can't Let Your Guard Down

There have been so many times I’ve been in programs where I wanted to be vulnerable. Where I needed to process something, or feel frustrated, or talk through not getting the result I was hoping for.

But instead of being supported… I found myself being the one supporting everyone else.

And I realized this isn’t new for me.

Even when I was younger, if I shared something emotional, the other person would often share right back. I remember when my grandfather passed away when I was 16. I was in drama class that day, and during an activity, people were teasing each other. Someone made fun of me, and I started crying.

People didn’t get it. They said, “It’s not a big deal.”

And I said, “My grandfather just died this morning.”

My teacher came to check on me… and then she started sharing about her own loss. She looked sad, and in that moment I thought, okay… I guess I can’t be the one who’s sad right now.

So I shifted.

And I’ve noticed that pattern shows up again and again.

It’s part of why I’ve invested in support, such as counsellors, my naturopath, and my massage therapist. I’ve paid for spaces where I can actually be taken care of… because it hasn’t always felt easy to find that in friendships or even in group programs.

My clients know I can be vulnerable. My friends see that side of me too. But having a space where I can fully let my guard down… that hasn’t always been easy to find.

And maybe you can relate to that too.

Surface Level Only Gets You So Far

Surface-level connections are only going to get you so far. At some point, you start craving something more:

• Those deeper conversations
  
• That real support
  
• People who understand you without explaining everything
  
• People who understand without the need to say more.
  

When you have that, you feel seen and heard, and then you can let your guard down.

I hear many of my high-achieving clients say, "Other than you, I don't have anyone else I can lean on." I answer with, "Bring your mess to me so that you can be magnificent out there." 

Full Life, But Empty

We don't want to have a full life but then feel empty. This is what success in life can look like without satisfaction. Friends are one area of life, which is why I'm focusing on this.

I will take responsibility for what I've done or haven't done to gain deeper friendships and close the gap between surface-level friendships and deep friendships.

Where in your life do you have people but not the depth of relationship that you're going for? Who do you actually feel safe being your full self with?

Being Your Full Self

Often, I'm the one holding space or leading. I have to be the responsible one. I have to be the good girl. I have to be the one who sets the bar high. But sometimes, like in school, I can be the straight-A student who gets all our work done, but then I can be the class clown a little bit.

It was surprising when I went away for one of my friend’s 40th birthday to Hawaii for the week. I was able to be silly, goofy, and funny. At one point, she just stared at me. She'd been laughing quite a bit at what I was saying, and she looked at me and said, "Wow, Diane, you're really funny. I haven't seen that side of you."

I felt sad that a friend of mine hasn't seen the funny side of me, because I'm having to be responsible, hold things together or be professional or whatever it may be."

Knowing that you have a safe place to be your full self is so important.

It's About Depth, Not Width

Just remember:

• More acquaintances won't close the gap. 
  
• It's not about the width of the friendship. It's about the depth of the friendship.
  
• More proximity doesn't work either. If you see a neighbour friend often in passing, or you're closer in proximity to people because they’re at your work or sitting beside you at your kid’s baseball game, you still have to put in the time and the effort and let your walls down and be that for someone else. Let them have their walls down so that you can connect in that deeper place.
  

When you have that, it changes everything. You know that at 2 AM you could call somebody to help you. You know if you needed people to do a meal train or to go have fun, you'd have a list of people you could reach out to.

Depth only happens when we choose to create space for it. That is what I'm doing right now, and I guess that's what I've been choosing for the past six months, and will be for the next three and a half years and probably the rest of my life.

What did you relate to? Comment below or email me: [email protected].

Until next time, stay dynamic!