The Happiness Mistake Successful Women Make

There is a happiness mistake that successful women make, and I don't want you to make it. 

Have you experienced this? You've achieved so much, checked all the boxes, and still felt empty or wondered, "Why don't I feel as happy as I thought I should?"

Well, there was a moment I can remember that I had checked every box that I needed to check at that point in my life. 

• I had a career. 
• I had accomplishments. 
• I was just about to get married. 
• We were buying a house. 

All of this should have made me feel fulfilled, but something was missing. I kept thinking, "Maybe if I work harder, maybe if I achieve more, or I push through, I'll finally feel the way I want to." ​

I then tried all of that, and then I thought, "Hmm, maybe something's wrong with me because if no amount of success filled that gap, that void, then something must have been wrong with me.”

But this is the big mistake that people - successful women especially - make around their happiness and their joy. They think that external achievements will automatically create internal happiness. But no, no, no, no. 

Why isn't success enough? 

This is the myth that we've been sold. 

Society tells us: achieve more, you'll be happy; then buy more, you'll be happy, and do more because then you'll achieve more, and then you'll be happy.

But many of us have spent years chasing that success, chasing the promotions, chasing recognition, chasing the perfect life, or at least just being driven enough to go for all of these things. 

But then we get to a point where we feel that happiness just still feels out of reach. It's like, "Oh, I got there, but I’m not as happy as I thought. I got that other thing, and sadly, it's not as fulfilling as it seemed, and I got the latest thing I wanted, and it's not as satisfying as I had imagined."

When I had the moment where my friend Rozz called me out for losing my spark it was really hard, but freeing to have the realization pointed out to me. (I'm going to go through it in more detail in a future blog post. I’ll talk about two stories of where I really lost my spark and how I got it back). After working with a coach, I realized that I was measuring my satisfaction based on external validation.

Why isn't success enough? Well, first, I told you, society says that we need to achieve more, so it's pushing us to measure life according to success. I learned I need to measure my life according to my satisfaction because success is external validation, but happiness comes from internal alignment. 

Have you ever felt off and you didn't know why? Well, that's when something isn’t aligned. You see, achievements don't automatically create joy. We have to be intentional that our achievements are actually fulfilling us internally, not just externally.

But the common trap that successful, high-achieving women get into is that they feel like…

• "Once I arrive at this level, I'll finally feel different.”
• “Once I get that first career, then I'll feel good.” No, because you’ll find something else to focus on.
• "Once I get that promotion, then I'll feel fulfilled." No, that's not going to be it - you’ll set the bar higher. 
• "Once I buy that house - that bigger house - then I'll finally feel different." Nope. - you’ll want more. 
• "Once I lose the 10 pounds, or the 20 pounds, or I get fit, then I'll feel different." Sadly. No.
• "Once I get Botox, marry the guy, then I'll feel different.” No these won’t do it for long either.
• “Once I win the awards..." ENOUGH!

It goes on and on and on and on, and the answer is no, because once they get there, success is fleeting. It falls through our fingers. Part of it, we don't celebrate, but the other part is that it's not aligned internally.

Now, you may feel happy at the time, but it doesn't stay - that's the fleeting piece - or sadly, it's not even existent at all. 

I had a client early on in my years who had built a business with two of their friends and ended up selling it for $75 million, their cut was $25 million. This was about 14 years ago, so you can imagine it was and still is a lot of money. And they were only 32. But once they had all the money and didn’t have to work anymore, they thought, "Oh, I'm not happy here. Why?”

"I thought this would make me happy. This is what I've been building in university and beyond for years. I focused 24/7 on this goal, and it didn't bring me happiness." It was shocking for them. What we had to do was find that internal alignment.

Why do we fall into this trap as successful women?

I'm going to give you three reasons. 

Reason #1: We confuse achievement with fulfillment

We measure success. We measure ourselves according to our job title, our income, our milestones, and our purchases, even if we're not materialistic. We want a nice home, or we want nice clothes, or we want a nice vacation. 

Also, because we're measuring our success according to these things, fulfillment feels a little bit harder to measure. It's intangible because it's feelings of joy, peace, alignment, and happiness. We can't really say, "Oh yeah, I've reached that mark of happiness." This is because we can't see it, and we don't know the path there. We're choosing that success path instead.

But the mistake, again, is chasing those external wins without considering our internal desires. 

• We have needs.
• We have wants.
• We have desires.
• We have passions.
• We have a purpose that we were put on the earth to do. 

But when we confuse achievement for fulfillment, we will constantly be chasing happiness.

Reason #2: We delay happiness.

It's the "when… then I’ll" 

• "When I get the promotion, then I'll feel successful, and I'll be happy." 
• "When I hit my goal weight, then I'll feel confident and be happy." 
• "When life slows down, then I'll take time for myself and I'll be happy." 

The problem is, the "then" never comes because you're continuously putting another goal ahead of it, or there's something bigger now that you want. Or you get there and you decide, "Oh, there's something else now in order for me to feel confident,” or just even if it's the epitome of whatever it is. You're only grasping at that intangible feeling because it wasn't the right thing to do in the first place.

Reason #3: We prioritize being productive over being present

Oh, I'm so guilty of this! Have you been guilty of prioritizing being productive over being present? Because you can’t achieve a goal if you're just hanging out with friends and laughing and having fun, because we're conditioned to believe our worth is tied to how much we accomplish. 

It's been ingrained in us. We stay busy not only to achieve. But we stay busy because slowing down feels uncomfortable, and sometimes being alone with our thoughts and our feelings - oh, that's when we go, "There's a little voice telling me I'm not happy. There's a part of me that's pointing out what's missing here.”

True happiness doesn't come from that next task. It's from being present with our lives, with ourselves and our loved ones and the things that are in alignment with us. ​

How to create true happiness

How do you create true happiness, then? How do you do it? 

#1: You have to redefine what success means for you. 

It's not about, "What do I want to achieve?" It's "What actually makes me happy?" and then creating a version of success that includes this and is aligned with your values, not just what society tells you what you should want. Even better, if you start looking to measure your life according to satisfaction rather than success, you're going to be choosing the correct goals and the correct way for you to be spending your time and where to focus.

#2: Stop waiting for a milestone to give yourself permission to enjoy life. 

Some of our goals are five years along. Some of our goals are 20 years along, and even then some goals are out of our control. We might never realize them because some are just stripped from us, like if we get fired or we lose a big contract. 

Joy isn't the reward for success. I'm going to say that again: joy isn't the reward for success. Joy is something you cultivate daily. Joy is a choice in your life.

Simple practices you can do to have more joy in the moment, rather than waiting for that big win or that big achievement, celebrate those small wins, celebrate who you're being along the way to the big win, nd mke sure to add things into your schedule that help you to feel alive. 

Things that I've done are - well, soccer definitely does, and that has for decades, but things like I did like African drumming. That was wild! The next thing I want to do is glassblowing. Soccer lights me up. Painting lights me up. Stand-up comedy lights me up. You can reconnect with the things that light you up. 

#3: Switch from that external validation to internal fulfillment.

Focus less on "What am I achieving? What do I need to achieve today?" and ask yourself, "What do I want to feel today?" 

When you check in with yourself, and you ask, "Does this activity/task/goal/friend/situation/event have me feel energized or drained?" Energized is resonance. That's an alignment with you, your values, your wants, desires, needs. 

If it's draining, then it's in dissonance. There's friction. It sucks your energy. It's not in alignment with your values, your wants, your needs, your desires, your passions. Give yourself permission to add more of the joy in and let go of the things that don't bring you joy.

ReIGNITE

It’s time to ReIGNITE that spark and live with more happiness by putting the solutions above and more into place. The easiest way to do that is in ReIGNITE! It’s such an amazing program. I'm so excited about it! It is a 90-day one-on-one coaching program with me, together designing the opportunity for you to be able to feel happier, and not only feel happier but ReIGNITE the spark that is inside of you.

To stop feeling disconnected and like you're juggling it all, and instead, reconnect with that piece of you, that vibrant, passionate person that maybe feels like a distant memory, and you miss that confident person and the one who used to shine. That excitement, that energy.

The good news - she's just missing, but that doesn't mean we can't get her back. Because the fire is still in you, we get to work together. It's not about reinventing yourself; it's just uncovering that bold, vibrant version of you that's been buried under the weight of busyness and expectations. Really, this is your wake-up call. It's time to stop playing small. It's time to stop succumbing to all this success pressure from society and to start fully living and be in your happy.

There's a very special journey. I encourage you to go and check it out. If you're ready to jump in, hit the cart, and let's get this journey started. If you're unsure, there is a little form there you can click, you can fill it in, and you and I can have a one-on-one conversation because, trust me, I only want to work with people who this is right for, and I want you to feel like this is the right choice for you. Then you can be excited to get that spark back.

Really, the last question is: are you ready to ReIGNITE your passion and get your spark back? Are you ready to have more happiness and not succumb to these mistakes? Then join ReIGNITE! 
Share this with a friend, and stay tuned, because there are more amazing blogs coming up. I'd love to have you in ReIGNITE. Letting you know February 21st is the date that the doors close, or when three people join the program, whichever comes first. 

I'm wishing you a fabulous day. 

Until next time, stay dynamic! 

Read my other blogs:

1. How The Belief “It’s Never Enough” Sabotages Your Happiness
2. Why Every Year Feels the Same and How to Break the Cycle
3. 3 Ways to Keep the New Year Motivation Alive