The Mental Health Struggle of High-Achieving Women

Do you believe that even the strongest women need support? I'm guessing you do because you're probably a strong, high-achieving woman yourself. 

October 10th was World Mental Health Day, and I want to talk about a group of women who are often overlooked: the mental health of high-achieving women who seem to have it all together.

The Invisible Load

High-achieving women are the ones everyone relies on: the leaders, the fixers, the steady ones, the smart ones, the successful ones, the caring ones. But sometimes those same women are quietly carrying the heaviest load.

That's because people come to us as the fixers and problem solvers. As the leaders, our followers come to us. As the steady ones, people know they can rely on us. There's that saying: "If you want something done, give it to a busy person." Oftentimes, the high achiever is the one getting everything done, but suffering silently.

When was the last time you were asked how you're really doing, and the person was ready for the real answer? Not "How is your business doing?" or "How is your family doing?" but "How are YOU doing?"

I know what it's like to look like you have it all together, so people don't bother asking you how you're doing, while still feeling so overwhelmed behind the scenes. Sometimes when I visit my naturopath, and she asks, "How are you doing?" in that caring way, it brings tears to my eyes. Just that feeling of someone creating time and space who actually cares about the answer.

Don't get me wrong, I have great friends. But people think that because we have things put together, and we're strong, confident, and outgoing, that we're fine. We've seen it in the public eye: those who seem most gregarious, strong, successful, and funny are often struggling the most.

Mental health struggles don't skip the strong. Often the most capable women are carrying the most pressure and feel the least permission to ask for help.

Even when we’re sick, we still have to do a ton of stuff to do because of how others view us. "Mom can work through it", “the boss can still get it done” or "my wife can work through it," while others get to be out sick. We don't have as much permission to ask for help because, being the high achiever at the top, there's not enough room for it.

Strength and Struggle Can Coexist

Strength and struggle can absolutely coexist. We can look like we have it all together and be completely falling apart behind the scenes. It's not that it's a mask, it's survival: doing the things that need to be done while potentially pushing down emotions when there's no time, space, or people to talk to.

If this is you, make sure you have a great coach, counselor, or support system so you do have time, space, and someone supportive to help you.

Asking for help doesn't make you weak. It makes you wise. It helps you move forward, get over the things that are happening, and feel witnessed, seen, and supported, which is crucial to continuing to do what you do.

My Personal Struggles

I remember lying in bed nursing my first baby when the cat came up and rubbed on me, and I started to cry. My husband ran in: "Are you okay?" I said, "Yes, it's just that the cat wants me to pet her, and baby wants me to nurse her, and you want to hang out with me, and my clients are messaging me." I was an absolute mess.

Until then, he thought everything was fine. I realized later I was sleep-deprived and had postpartum depression, though I didn't think I did because the typical questions they ask didn't apply to me. 

But there have been other times when I've juggled everything: my coaching business, VA Made Easy business, a book launch, coaching clients, parenting, playing soccer, being a wife, my house. I kept telling myself, "I'll just push through until things slow down." When people asked me to do more, I'd say I was busy, and they wouldn't believe me saying, "Well everyone's busy." I thought things would just slow down, but they never did.

I've had times when I've struggled mentally, not just postpartum depression or situational grief after my father's passing, but genuine mental health struggles in my adulthood. Finally, what helped was admitting how tired I was, admitting I couldn't do it all, and that I needed my team and family to take on more. The moment I did, I felt relief and hope, and my stress dropped. The business didn't crumble when I slowed down. My family didn't struggle when I did less around the house. Things actually got stronger because I was stronger.

The Research

Research shows that higher-performing women report higher rates of anxiety and burnout than men in similar roles. We're very emotionally intelligent, but we carry both the visible work and the invisible workload: emotional labor, family logistics, planning.

How many tabs do you have open right now? Not just on your computer, but in your head. Where are the kids? What's for dinner? Do I need to flip that laundry, I need to call my friend, order that birthday present, make those plans. That's just life, not even business.

Beyond Basic Self-Care

For years, I thought self-care was grabbing a five-minute shower between calls, treating myself to coffee on the run, or going for a walk before my day starts. But really, mental health isn't just about physical rest. It's about giving yourself permission to stop pretending you're fine when you're not.

The problem with society is we don't pause long enough after asking, "How are you doing?" We're looking for that automatic, quick answer so we can get on with the conversation. But when someone sits there and says, "How are you doing? How are things going?" and maybe speaks truth into it ("Your life seems really busy right now"), that creates space to open up.

The Benefits of Opening Up

1. We Normalize That It's Okay Not Be Okay

You don't have to pretend. With high achievers, there's often no time to not be okay, and we just move on to the next thing. People expect us to put on our big girl panties, pull up our bootstraps, and keep going.

2. We Create Connection

You won't feel alone in your struggle. When someone tells you about their struggle, don't try to one-up them. Listen. You can relate, but be supportive: "That's hard, but I'm here for you."

3. We Catch Burnout Early

I've had clients come to me after burnout or on the verge of burnout. We want to catch it before. Talking about it helps you release stress and create solutions: time, boundaries, priority setting.

4. We Strengthen Relationships Through Honesty

Some of my best relationships formed in the hardest times. Sharing what I'm going through has helped people hear my vulnerability, know me as me, and see the real version, not the polished one.

A Lesson from Kenya

Earlier this year in Kenya, I was surrounded by incredible women and men doing powerful work. Even in service of others, they prioritized connection, rest, and faith. Every day around 10:30 or 11 am, we'd pause for tea and sweet bread or samosas. It wasn't a quick 15 minutes. It was time to enjoy and have camaraderie.

Community supports mental health. While we may be leaders and solo sprinters, we're not meant to do life, business, family, or parenting alone.

Why High Achievers Don't Speak Up - Four inner voices that stop us…

1. Fear of Judgment

"What if they think I can't handle my job, my leadership position, my board post, and they take it away?"

2. Perfectionism

"Strong women don't struggle. High achievers are succeeding. We don't have problems. Just figure it out."

3. Responsibility Overload

"Everyone's counting on me. There's no way I can take a break, say no, or miss the deadline."

4. Conditioning

"Keep going no matter what." 

I've played sports with broken fingers, broken toes, and sprained ankles. We tape it up and truck on. It's the same with mental health: we slap an invisible band-aid on and keep going.

The trouble is, it's like a geyser. We push it down and down until it blows at an unexpected time.

The Soccer Story

I'm known as the encourager on my soccer team: "Good job! Good pass! Awesome!" I'm cheering everyone on, positive and optimistic. But one night after practice, my face went neutral, and someone asked, "Are you okay?"

I almost cried. No one had really asked me for weeks. I could hear in her voice, her tone, her facial expressions that she was concerned. How often are strong women asked if they're okay? People assume we're fine because we make it look easy.

What Happens When We Ignore It

1. Burnout - You run out of emotional fuel.
2. Isolation - You feel disconnected, even in a crowd, with your team, or with friends.
3. Decreased Performance - Your creativity and focus fade. High achievers should care about this one.
4. Resentment - Everything feels like "I have to do this" instead of "I want to do this."

Do you lie awake at night with your brain replaying things you have to do or things that happened? I've had times in bed when I couldn't rest because there was so much going on, like old cinema reels flipping images through my mind.

Your Call to Action

This week has a double focus:

1. Check in on the strongest women (and men) you know. Ask them how they're really doing. You'll know if they give you a polished answer or the real one. If they say "Oh you know busy" or "I'm okay," say, "No, how are you really doing?"

2. If you are the strong one, the go-to, the reliable one, it's your turn to reach out. Tell someone you're struggling if you are. Say, "I just want to talk about how hard life is right now" or "Can I share something that's on my mind?" Talk to a friend, coach, or counselor. Book a session. Pray. Journal. Whatever helps you release the mental load.

The Bottom Line

Mental health isn't just about one day on October 10th. Mental health isn't a luxury; it's a foundation for everything else we need. It should be a human right to be mentally healthy. It builds into everything: how you lead, the things you build, the things you love, the things you do.

Care for yourself and care for those around you. You won't even fully understand the impact you make when you ask someone and really check in on how they're doing.

If this blog spoke to you, share it with another strong woman who might need this reminder. 

Until next time, stay dynamic!