The Problem with ‘Leaning In’: Why Overperforming Won’t Get You More

Today, I'm going to talk about the problem with leaning in and why over-performing won't get you more. This is a little bit of research, a little bit of my personal experience, and a little bit coming from my clients. 

For years, there have been some very famous people who have been telling women, "Lean in, work harder, just take on more. You have to prove yourself at every turn." But here's the uncomfortable truth with that: leaning in often just means you do more for less reward, and this puts us in a cycle of overworking, overdelivering, and still feeling overlooked.

My personal experience

I pride myself on working hard, working quickly, and doing a phenomenal job. But what ended up happening was the big boss saw I could do more, and they gave me more. But the another person in the same position who had less work than me, would still come to me for help with how to do things. Because the higher-ups decided that I could do more work and this guy had less work, he was able to schmooze or connect with the other employees more. 

When it came down to who was going to pick up our boss's job, they got it. I'm not going to say because they're a man, but in the culture that I was working in, it probably made sense. There was an opportunity there for him to be able to step forward because he had more time to connect with others. While I used my time to basically overperform and was given more and more work put on me.

Now you can imagine the hidden cost for me. The fact that I was given so much work and I didn't have time to do the other pieces that weren't part of my job description, but were really crucial to me moving forward. In hindsight, it actually worked out for the best because I did not want that position, but at the time, it was really upsetting for me.

Why this matters and the hidden cost of overperformance

As high-achieving women, we know how to get things done. There's that expression, right? If you want something done, give it to someone who's busy, and that's just because we have only so many hours and so we can't mess around. 

But there's a fine line between being really excellent at your work and being the person that everyone relies on, like my story, work dumping more and more on me, where you're always the one fixing things, having to step up, or going the extra mile. ​

People start to expect that you will not only do your job but more. Not only your tasks, but others, and not only be responsible for your own work, but for helping everyone else get their tasks done, too. It's not just in the work environment, but it's in every area of life. People are going to look to you as the person that they can ask for help and support.

What's worse than this is they stop seeing this as you going above and beyond, about you being exceptional, and that they should be super grateful for how you perform. Instead, they see it as your standard. This is how you function. This is how you work. You're always going to be able to do 60 hours of work within 40 hours because you work so quickly. The result of is you have no breathing room and no buffer space. Then you staystuck, like I was. They give you more responsibility but no more recognition.

It was like I had to fight for myself and say, "Well, you had two of us doing half of this role, right?" Because we had so much feedback to give and so much to watch and evaluate. We did split it because there was just such a big load. Then it became, "Oh, Diane can handle it all. Great." Then you're working more hours for the same paycheck. People don't realize the extra effort. You still want a seat at the table, but they see that they can get more from you. That's not just in a corporate place, but it's from your clients, it's from family. It's from neighbours and friends and your kids' sports team, music class, and the teachers. It just goes on and on and on.

While it is an honour to be asked, it is oftentimes that when we lean in and we take on more, we burn out. Let's challenge this narrative. Instead of leaning in harder, what if we leaned back strategically? We said, "Okay, these are the things I'm going to do. These are the things I'm going to step back from."

It’s interesting, when I first started doing this, I began saying no to incredible opportunities simply because my plate was too full. I remember a group asking me to join their board, and I told them, “I just can’t. I’m really busy.”

Their response? “We’re all busy.”

I replied, “It just doesn’t fit into my life right now.”

Then came the question: “Are you worried you can’t do it?”

That made me pause. It wasn’t a confidence issue, I knew I could do it, and I’d do an amazing job. (Would they have asked a man the same thing?) 

What made it even more interesting was that I was the only one in the group with children and mine were young, but that didn’t count for me being busy. I wanted to say ‘yes’ and it was hard for me to step back and not take on more because my old way of doing things, was always… 

• Oh you’ve asked me? So I’m saying yes. 
• There’s an opportunity? I’m going for it. 
• There’s something that could be done? I’m adding it in. 

But now, I had to make different choices. The truth was, it just wasn’t in my path or plan at that moment. I didn’t have the time or energy for it, and that was reason enough.

I encourage you, don’t take on more in your life just because you're asked, or just because it seems like the next step, or just because it's an expectation… instead get more strategic about where your energy goes. Stop being the go-to person for things that don't move you forward.

I want to be able to do a great job at a few things, rather than a so-so fair job at many things. Stop saying yes to work that doesn't get you paid or promoted. Stop saying yes to volunteer positions. It doesn't have to always help you or move you forward. But does it either bring you joy, satisfaction, a place where you get to use your skills, or is it more dissonance, where there's friction and it's not enjoyable?

Stop thinking that if you just keep proving yourself, someone will eventually notice. Because there are so many people in all industries that are like the best-kept secret because the truth is, no one rewards quiet excellence, quiet achievement, or quiet confidence. When people get to know you, they'll respect you more for not walking around and telling people and sharing. But it's as simple as this. It's as simple as someone saying to you, "Hey, Jenny. How's it going?" Rather than just, "Oh, it's good," or, "Oh, my kids did this," or "I had the worst day," or, "Look at the terrible rain." 

Why don't you share something cool that's happening in your life? 

• "Oh, I'm great. I'm just finishing off a book that I wrote." 
• "Oh, things are awesome. I just landed a few new clients." 
• "Oh, thanks for asking. Life is really good. I have full practice and some speaking engagements that I'm really excited about." ​

Tell them what's happening in your life.

Overperforming

Let's break this down. 

Overperforming often equals burnout, not recognition, not more awards, not more pay, not necessarily even the promotion. Overdelivering doesn't guarantee success. Fully leaning in doesn't guarantee success. Not managed well, it guarantees exhaustion, burnout, and maybe even anxiety. 

Here's the kicker. The people who get promoted, paid more, and recognized aren't always the hardest workers. 

Here’s what they do:

#1: They're the ones who know how to make their work visible without constantly proving themselves. I didn't walk around talking about how great I was. I didn't walk around talking about all the work I did. I just got it done. Put my head down. Got it done. I didn't make a big deal of it, right? BUT you also need to take note of your accomplishments so you can relay them in performance reviews.

#2: They set very clear boundaries, so they're not doing work either beneath their level or out of the scope of their roles and responsibilities. Every job description has roles and responsibilities. I'm not saying don't do work beneath your level. Don't do things outside of your Roles and Responsibilities. There are definitely times when you have to just step up and get things done. But setting those clear boundaries of saying, "My day is done," or, "Oh, thank you for asking me to do that. What do you want to take off my plate so I can get that done?" This type of language is not necessarily easy for a lot of women to say, ask, or get advice on.

#3: They own their value instead of waiting for someone else to acknowledge it. A lot of times high achieving, overperforming women are super confident, but on an external level, so they get their value from other people saying they've done well, and other people acknowledging their work where we have to go internal, and that's where we have to get our value from.

I've talked so many times about this quote, I should almost frame it, but the quote is from Business Insider that says, “Men and women view their success differently. Men attribute their success to their innate skills and talents. Women attribute their success to luck and help from others.” 

How many times have women said, "Oh, thanks, I couldn't have done it without my team, my family, my husband. I didn't do it all myself. Oh, it just happened. It all worked out." Rather than be like, "Yeah, I did a phenomenal job," which many times a man will say, and I'm not poo-pooing a man in this regard, I'm saying, "Good for them. Women, let's do it too."

Not all women are getting this wrong. A lot of women are owning their success and their personal confidence, but women who get ahead don't necessarily do more. They position themselves differently. They're making their work visible. They're setting clear boundaries, and they're owning their value.

I hope you're gaining from this new perspective of “stop doing more, and start being seen”. A lot of times on social media, I post quite a bit, but I don't post everything that I'm doing. It's funny because people will say, "Wow, you're everywhere and you’re doing so many incredible things." It's because I choose to share, but so many women don’t because they say, "I don't want to seem like I'm bragging. I don't want to seem egotistical." 

Just change up how you write the posts. Instead, you can write: 

• "I'm super grateful…” 
• “Feeling blessed…”
• “I'm proud to share…”
• “Humbled by…” 
• “I want to share a joy…" 

It doesn't have to be like, "Hey everyone, I'm the best."

3 Action Steps

Here are some specific, actionable takeaways, because we don't want you to be working harder. We want you to be more intentional about where you apply your effort so that you and your effort get to go somewhere and get to reap the rewards.

Let's shift from "Let's work and let's lean in all the time" to "Let's lean back and let's go into leader mode."

Here are three things that you can do: 

#1: Stop over-delivering. 

If you're in a job, make sure you're so clear about what your roles and responsibilities are, and the key performance indicators that go along with that. For example, if one of your roles is to reply to emails, what is the standard? What's the key performance indicator? "All emails must be replied to within one business day in a professional manner.” 

Just do what is asked of you. You don't have to always go above and beyond for the sake of proving yourself. Yes, you can help people. I'm not saying don’t, but when you get stretched so thin because you're doing other people's work for the sake of proving yourself. You're actually going to look worse because you're not going to be able to deliver on the things you already have to do.

#2: Get comfortable asking for what you deserve. 

When I took on two people's roles, I should have asked for a pay raise. Oftentimes, for high-achieving women, we assume that our amazing work speaks for itself, but it doesn't. We may assume we will get the promotion or what we deserve.

We need to advocate for ourselves, whether that's a raise, a leadership role, or simple recognition. We have to advocate. We have to tell others, so start writing down all the fantastic things you're doing and share. If you have your own business, share them on social. Share them on your website. Make them milestones on LinkedIn. Have pictures of it. Have a brag book for yourself.

For those of you in a corporate position or working for a company, keep track of all these things. If you have someone that sends you a glowing email back or you have wins, write them down, track them, have them there so that you can walk in for that raise or the promotion, or whatever it is that you're looking for and have proof if they didn’t take notice and it will make you more confident.

#3: Move from execution, doing, doing, doing, and leaning in by working harder to a place of strategy where you lean back.

Leaders aren't just the best at doing the work, they're the best at directing the work. Shift your focus from being the best worker to being a strategic leader. You don't have to be the best. Sometimes leaning back to see the opportunities is the best option.

What do you want to do? Do you want to continue to lean in and over-perform, with the risk of not really getting what you're wanting or pushing to burnout? Probably not. 

Think, do I want more effort or more strategy? The goal isn't to stop working hard. It's just to make sure that when you work hard, it counts towards what you're wanting, what your goals are, and what your ideal life is for satisfaction.

Let's not lean into mindless activities. Doing that is going to lead you to exhaustion, but instead, lean in strategically. Lean in by focusing on visibility, positioning, and setting boundaries with people, because that's how you're actually going to get ahead.

Wrapping Up

I'll leave these questions with you. 

• How much more can you realistically do? 
• Are you already too full that you know you need to drop things off your plate?
• What are you willing to stop doing? 
• Where are you willing to stop leaning in so that you can actually move forward? 

Big questions there.

Let me know what your biggest takeaway was from this blog. You can email me [email protected] or if you weren't aware, I record these on podcasts and videos so that you can catch them on the Diane Rolston YouTube channel and the Dynamic Women Podcast. 

Share this with a friend. If you're not getting my emails yet, now's the time to do that, because I’m going to be dropping some really cool opportunities for you to be able to work with me and get a tax receipt. 

Now, a lot of you who are already in business are like, "That's easy. I know how to get a tax write off." Those of you who are not, we're actually going to be able to make it like a donation. Get on my email list to be able to do that. 

Read my other blogs:

1. Stop Being a Good Girl
2. From Reactive to Proactive: Designing a Life You Love
3. Why High Achievers Self-Abandon—And How to Stop