Today, I’ll share about why high achievers self-abandon and how to stop. This one is near and dear to my heart because not only do I coach people to not self-abandon by putting tools into place, but I also have suffered over the years with a lot of self-abandonment, not realizing really what it was because I have been praised for the perceived positives of self-abandonment. What is self-abandonment? It is ignoring your own emotional, mental, and physical needs to gain approval from others, meet the expectations of others, or avoid conflict. For me, as I've become more confident, more outspoken, and felt permission to do that, what I realized is it wasn't necessarily to gain approval - I just didn't want to rock the boat. Maybe you've been there too. Maybe you're asked to do things, and you say “Yes” to the request because it's a fair request. But the problem is, normally, you maybe could say “Yes”, or it would be natural or good for you to do this because it's your skill, or you've volunteered before, but at this point, you're exhausted. Or there are times when you silence your opinions because you just don't want to upset others, and so it's like you're choosing to keep the peace, but then you're silencing your own opinions. You're choosing a good path; however, you're self-abandoning, which causes a lot of harm to yourself. Why do high-achieving women self-abandon?
We are, as high achievers, super driven, and so we're more prone to this because of things like, perfectionism. We want things to be perfect, and so we're just going to keep pushing and keep going, which means we'll self-abandon in order to have it be perfect.
2. People pleasing In people pleasing, we’re not doormats, but we can put other people's agendas before our own. That also comes from the fact that we're probably leaders, we’re caring for others, and we’re responsible for a group or responsible for the family, and therefore we put other people's agendas, other people's needs, before our own. Even though we know that we technically are supposed to put the oxygen mask on ourselves before helping others, it's just so hard to do because it seems like we can hold a lot of responsibility and everyone needs us all the time. 3. Fear of failure Another reason is fear of failure. By admitting defeat, or by taking a more gentle or gracious approach to yourself, maybe we won't reach success. A lot of times, we're proving our worth because of the desire for external validation since our worth comes from the things we achieve, other people's belief in us, and other people's opinions of us. Then, having to prove ourselves causes us to push through, even though we don't want to do something or don't have the energy to do it. We start to overwork When we overwork, we get into that place of exhaustion and we take on too many responsibilities, or we start neglecting our personal health for our professional success.
Probably - I've been guilty of these for sure. I hear so many stories from high-achieving women who have missed out on important events in their lives and their families' and loved ones' lives because they were pushing for a result. Then the thing is, society backs that up. There are cultural pressures as well. Being that I am Caucasian, my parents are British, there are not as many cultural pressures on me. I'm quite privileged, and I will admit that, but there are many cultures where you have to honour your family, you have to give up your goals, your desires, your education, for the care of your family members, to do what your partner says, or your parents say, or whatever it may be. My own experiences of self-abandonment I'll share how I used to self-abandon, how I’ve grown, and how it still happens sometimes. On the past, workshops, or trainings, I’d often focus on helping others instead of my own progress. When I caught on quickly, instead of asking questions or deepening my learning, I’d help struggling peers. This left me behind and forced me to catch up later, and it wasn’t my job to help—it was the organizer’s. At conventions, I prioritized supporting friends, even attending workshops irrelevant to my goals, instead of choosing sessions that advanced my personal or professional growth. I’d also engage in hallway chats, missing keynotes or activities because I felt bad cutting conversations short. I used to skip breaks, even when drained, choosing to support others over recharging. As an empath, I’d absorb others’ emotions which left me depleted and not get the needed rest. Now, I’ve learned to prioritize alone time, taking breaks to recharge and reflect. Finally, I used to rush home immediately after events, leaving no time to decompress. Now, I arrive a day or two early and leave a day or two later to allow space for rest and integration. These changes help me stay present, achieve my goals, and still support others—just in moderation. The negative effects of self-abandonment Negative effect #1: It takes an emotional toll when you're self-abandoning This could be self-abandoning once, many times, or just a life of general self-abandonment. This can give you chronic stress because you're not having downtime. You're not listening to your needs. You're not getting what you need to nourish and support you. Chronic stress, anxiety, burnout, and these are big ones: feelings of emptiness or resentment. When I think of emptiness, I also think of depression. Let's just dive off of that. If you're feeling any of that, you are unable to achieve what you want to achieve. You're unable to be going for the things you want to go for, to believe in yourself, to have confidence. This is going to start to erode so many foundational pieces of you, and you don't want that to happen. Negative effect #2: Physical effects Things like fatigue and exhaustion. You're going to have sleep problems because you're thinking about these things, or you don't get enough time to sleep, and other health issues that come from neglecting self-care. You might get sick more often. You might not be healthy because you're not moving your body and you're not doing the things that you need to nourish yourself. If you're not eating properly, then you're not getting the right amount of energy. There are so many different consequences like high blood pressure and having cortisol spikes. This can lead to so many other things like diabetes, and we can go on and on and on. I'm not a doctor. I'm not going to go into it, but there are so many others. I even had a client whose retinas detached. There are so many things physically that can happen to you from self-abandoning, which is really sad. Negative effect #3: Your relationships Also in relationships, when you're consistently self-abandoning, it can hurt you in two ways. First, you self-abandon for other people's needs, and then they take advantage of you, and then there's resentment. That's not a positive relationship. It can also strain relationships. People close to you may become frustrated if you constantly self-abandon for others, feeling like you’re choosing them over your loved ones. This can create a sense of double standards and lead to a loss of authenticity, especially if you become a people-pleaser or fail to speak up for yourself. I saw an example of this at an event last weekend. One of the wives seemed to have given up asserting herself. Her husband was behaving ridiculously—drinking too much, acting macho around his friends—and it was clear she had stopped speaking up. She had lost her authenticity in the process, which was really sad to witness. Negative effect #4: Personal identity is affected When you self-abandon, you're telling yourself you're not worth listening to your own needs and wants. You aren't allowed to speak up about what is true for you, what you need to be able to put boundaries on things. It's really eroding your self-esteem. That's huge for confidence. It's going to leave you disconnected from your true self because your true self is going to be like, “Well, anytime I speak up, I'm not listened to.” Eventually those voices, the self-awareness, the intuition, they start to quiet down, because it's like, “Why bother? I'm not even listening to myself so why would I bother speaking up?” My recent self-abandonment experience Recently, at a convention, I brought my family along. While this time went smoother than a previous chaotic experience—thanks to clear boundaries and communication—it was still intense managing their needs alongside mine. To recover, I planned two days of solo downtime after the event. However, a situation arose that challenged me. Someone had no place to stay and was prepared to sleep outside. My values of care, safety, and belonging made it impossible for me to ignore them and their situation, even though I desperately needed my space to recharge. Initially, I tried to honour my boundaries, but as the night went on and no one else offered them a place, I let them stay in my room. While they weren’t very grateful and tried not to be disruptive, the lack of sleep and loss of my personal space left me emotionally drained and teetering on burnout. I realized I had self-abandoned to honor my values, which led to feelings of resentment and frustration with myself. This experience taught me how tricky it can be when values drive self-abandonment. It's a hard lesson, but I’m learning to balance honoring my values with taking care of my own needs. How to stop self-abandonment These are all the things that I do normally to not self-abandon, the things I go through with my clients to help them as well. #1: Set some boundaries Gracefully say no to people. You can protect your time and energy. You can set some boundaries around how things will be, and that's probably what I should have done here—really set some super clear boundaries. #2: Reconnect with yourself Do things like journaling, meditation, take alone time for yourself, so that you know what you need and what you desire. I had to talk to a couple of friends about this afterwards to just understand what happened. Then I was like, “Oh, shoot, what happened, and why I feel so bad is because I self-abandoned. I didn't listen to what I really needed,” and that kind of hurt, and so the next day, I had to super honour that boundary of needing my room to myself so that I could have one night to recoup. #3: Practice some self-compassion Practice some self-compassion if you do end up self-abandoning. Don't criticize yourself. Just give yourself some kindness. I had to do that in this case, just like you would to a loved one, someone you care about. What would you say to them? Then come up with a plan for the next time. #4: Prioritize self-care It needs to be in your schedule. You have to put “me time” in there. I love honouring the Sabbath. Sunday is my day. I get to do the things I want. Oftentimes, it's sunny. I go for a walk. I go to church. I do some journaling. I do my devotional. Maybe I cook. I do the things I want—that's my “me time”. Get really good at prioritizing self-care by asking for help from others so that you do have time. It doesn't have to all be you. You are not the martyr of everyone around you. Delegate tasks, including mental load tasks, and decision-making tasks. #5: Challenge your perfectionism If you feel like you're super driven and you like things done a certain way, what is that costing you? You can let go of perfectionism. It will help you to get more done more quickly and not burn you out in the process. You don't have to sacrifice who you are and your well-being to have things be perfect. Trust me, if you feel like you're suffering from perfectionism, your eight is probably other people's ten, right? Or your six is someone else's ten, and your eight is someone else's fifteen out of ten. Think about that. Wrapping Up If you're good at not self-abandoning, will you never face a time when you self-abandon? You probably will. You might not be calling it self-abandonment, but just take a look at your life and moments and situations and ask yourself:
That's why I went to people's workshops when it wasn't even the topic I wanted because I wanted to seem like I was a good friend or a good supporter. When I learned later, so many of their friends never came. Then I was like, “Why am I doing this?” You get to decide how to live a life that is both successful and satisfying. We want to have both, not just one, not just success. We want to be satisfied, and so you deserve to be prioritized in your own life. You deserve to be on your list of priorities. I'm not saying that everything needs to change today, but what if you just made one small change this week that would eventually lead to big transformations? One percent, one percent, one percent to the point where you look at your life and you say, “I'm not self-abandoning anymore.” That's what I want for you. Want help to do it? You have a few options: The Breakthrough 2025—is a great place for you. I can promise you, I will never let you self-abandon in those sessions when we are going to go through your Breakthrough Blueprint. That blueprint is going to keep you on task. There are tools in there that will not allow you to self-abandon. It’s a group program with many benefits like having like-minded people, learning from other people's blueprints, and listening to me coach others. If one-on-one is more for you and you'd like support with self-abandonment, or to have this be your breakthrough year, then reach out to [email protected]. Until next time, everyone. Stay dynamic! Read my other blogs:
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