This article was originally published on February 24, 2016 and has been updated.
Confidence is like an outfit. It can be sexy, it can be cute—sometimes, it can be flat-out over the top.
Wearing confidence is like wearing an outfit. Worn the right way, confidence is sexy. Worn the wrong way, it’s quite the opposite.
These days, I feel like most people are wearing confidence all wrong.
People who wear confidence the wrong way are getting their confidence from the wrong source.
Let’s start with what I feel confidence is.
What is confidence?
Real confidence takes us out of our comfort zone. It challenges us. A confident person knows that no matter how challenging or difficult a situation, they can own it.
Confidence is presenting a speech in front of hundreds of people who intimidate you, and still feeling good about yourself, despite what you are wearing or what you look like.
Confidence is owning it.
It’s knowing that you have the knowledge and power to do whatever you want.
Confidence is loving yourself, and it comes from inside.
What’s wrong with confidence in today’s society? With the growing popularity of social media, it is external factors that are either bringing us confidence or depleting our confidence.
Posting pictures on social media and receiving ‘likes’ gives people artificial confidence and validation.
At the opposite end of the spectrum, social media can make people feel inadequate. It makes us question why our lives aren’t as perfect as the lives we see portrayed there.
These external factors are influencing our self worth, and this is not healthy.
Sure, a great pair of heels and new hairdo can make us feel confident. Posting a picture on social media with the same heels and hair can also make us feel more confident. But this confidence is fleeting (and artificial) if it doesn’t come from within.
A deeper level of confidence doesn’t take a pair of sexy shoes or a handful of likes on Instagram.
So whether you’re in a pair of brand new heels or your oldest joggers, if you have the confidence, you'll look sexy either way. Your confidence and sexiness will simply shine through.
My 3 Steps to Sexy Confidence
1. Believe in yourself.
Like I said, confidence comes from within. If you believe in yourself, and believe in every single thing you do, your words and your actions will reflect this.
Whether consciously or not, people pick up on inner confidence. It is reflected through you and your actions. When confidence is reflected through you, people not only see it, but feel it. When you believe in yourself, others believe in you as well.
Being too confident. No one likes talking to someone’s ego. When people talk to others who have a big ego, it’s almost like a contest to see if they can one-up you, or try to prove how much better they are than you.
Being too modest. You don’t want to come across as having a low opinion of yourself—or that there’s nothing worth celebrating. There is a lot to celebrate about being you, so don’t be modest about it!
Find that sweet spot between modesty and over-confidence. But be careful—it can be very easy to cross the line between modesty and over-confidence.
Don’t be afraid to share some of the great things that are happening in your life. But when you are sharing your accomplishments, be sure to ask others about the accomplishments going on in their life. You can ask something like: what have you done recently that you are proud of?
2. Celebrate others.
Everyone loves being acknowledged for a job well done. It’s in our nature.
Being recognized when you’ve put your hard work into something is a great feeling.
Embrace this feeling. And share it with others.
Being able to celebrate others and their success shows absolute confidence. It shows that you care not only about your own success, but other people’s as well.
When you celebrate others, you shine a light on them and bring out your own inner confidence.
Only celebrating your own success and/or not acknowledging others for their support. If someone has helped you get to where you are then thank them!
Never take credit for others’ success. This has happened to me several times throughout my career. It is dishonest, and will show its way eventually. Own up to your successes, and when someone else succeeds, don’t take credit for it—celebrate them!
Compliment people. Acknowledge them and their hard work. It can be as easy as saying “You’re inspiring”, or “I admire the way you run your business”. Write them a card, send them an email, take them out for lunch—doing this shows your confidence—and it's sexy.
3. Stay committed.
Setting goals, working towards them, and staying focused can be difficult—and scary. You don’t know if you will be able to accomplish what you have set out to do, or how hard the road will be.
One of the sexiest things about confidence is being able to face the unknown—facing the hard times and obstacles and overcoming challenges.
Commitment will attract your dreams. There are times when it’s easy to give up when the going gets tough, but a confident person overcomes. A confident person stays committed and never gives up.
Giving up at the first obstacle or challenge. I have seen this all too often in both my career and personal life, when someone just gives up when things get difficult.
Remember: goals take time. They take hard work to achieve. If they were easy, everyone would do it. If a goal doesn’t take commitment, it’s too small.
Continuously changing your mind. You have to stay consistent. If people see that you aren’t committed, they won’t take you seriously. They won’t support you.
Going forward with a goal. Even if you don’t know where it will take you or how it will result.
Confidence is about being able to trust yourself. Trusting yourself to figure it out, asking for help when you need it, and persevering through all challenges.
You don’t know unless you try.
Ask yourself two questions when you start to lose confidence:
“What do I need to know about this?”
“How do I get around or through that?”
Then, go do it! Become a Dynamic You!
I often get told that I am confident. Yes, that may be true—but it is always a work in progress. Why?
Because as I grow, and as my business grows, and as I expand the services I offer, I enter unknown territory. I’m human like everyone else. I do things I'm scared of, things I've never done before. I meet and work with people I have admired from afar. I hit challenges and roadblocks that seem insurmountable.
But I believe in myself. My belief, my ability to celebrate others, and my commitment are what give me confidence and help me succeed in business and in life.
It’s not always easy.
But where’s the fun in easy?
Liked this post? Here are three more you might also like to read!
A Woman's Guide to Business Survival
How to Get to the Next Level
The Secret to Staying Positive and Passionate
P.S. I’m always adding to my curated list of ways to be confident, so if you have another idea (which I’m confident you have!) then please share it below or send it to me privately at firstname.lastname@example.org)
This article was originally published on October 7, 2015 and has been updated.
How do you stay positive and passionate? Do you struggle to stay positive, especially when you’re going through a difficult challenge? Is your lack of positive thinking stalling your progress?
I am often asked how I stay so positive and passionate. The answer is pretty simple.
Positive thinking isn’t hard. In fact, it’s easy to stay positive when you’re doing what you love. Think about it: it’s so much easier to stay positive in life when what you’re doing is supporting your growth, development, goals, and values.
When you’re doing what you love, you experience fewer curve balls. roadblocks, or situations that make you angry or sad.
Most importantly, when you’re doing what you love, you experience fewer challenges that make you question yourself.
My inner truth.
Here’s my inner truth—my life is not perfect all the time. But I choose to be positive and passionate in spite of it.
Sometimes it’s hard to know how to be more positive and passionate.
You can learn how to find your inner truth and focus on positivity when you understand how to get through bad moments—and what causes those bad moments.
So let’s draw back the curtain, shall we?
3 Times I don’t feel so positive and passionate (and what I do to overcome these feelings!)
1. When I’m around negative people.
Let’s be honest: negative people suck. Literally. They suck the life, energy, and happiness out of you. When I’m around negative people, I can feel them draining my positive attitude. I can feel my inner truth start to crumble.
It’s near impossible to be positive around people who suck the life out of you. Let’s refer to these people as emotional vampires—because in all reality, that’s exactly what they are.
A big part of my job is to coach people through difficult situations in their lives, situations they chose or were on the receiving end of.
The main difference between these people and emotional vampires, is that they are seeking to make a change and to use setbacks to learn and grow, rather than wallow.
I should be clear about something.
Expressing or acknowledging that you are struggling, or having the desire to clear feelings left after a bad experience, are very different from being a sucky person.
Being able to admit they’re stuck is what sets sucky people apart from the positive and passionate people.
Negative people bring us down. Remember that. If you have negative people in your life who are constantly sucking away your positive thinking, it may be time to rethink those relationships.
Don’t write them off completely, but be honest with them. Help them move forward. Use your own positive energy to bring positivity into their lives.
If nothing changes, it may be time to cut ties before they suck your own life out of you.
2. My values are being dishonored.
This can happen for a number of reasons. You could be doing it to yourself, or someone could be doing it to you.
An example of dishonoring your values is when you procrastinate on a big project, or do something that may prevent you from achieving your goals—like if you’re trying to lose weight but you skip the gym and order a pizza.
When someone is dishonoring your values, it’s a setback.
How do you know when someone is dishonoring your values?
If you’re not feeling good about something someone said or did to you, ask yourself why you’re upset. You may have just had your values dishonored.
Here’s my own personal experience of when I had my own values dishonored:
I run a women’s community called Dynamic Women in Action. When people say they will come and do not show up, I feel my value being dishonored. Negativity starts brewing up inside of me.
Because commitment, trust and my word are some of my most important values. When those values are dishonored, I have negative thoughts. When this happens, I have to take a step back and self-manage by focusing on where I am honoring my own values.
3. I’m stuck.
Feeling stuck when experiencing obstacles is a surefire way to lose momentum. This is is quickly followed by negativity.
it's hard to stay positive when you're working so hard but aren't seeing any results or progress. Sometimes you have to refocus. Try doing something different. If what you’re doing isn’t working, change it up. Acknowledge that what you’re doing isn't working and take the next step—even if it’s a baby step.
Sometimes when I get stuck, I can feel myself losing momentum. It feels like blocks are being placed in front of me.
Here’s what to do if this happens to you:
Follow these steps and you’ll feel refreshed. And once you get moving again, your motivation will return.
Just remember to never fake positivity. There’s a difference between putting your best self forward and faking it.
Never underestimate how much others can help you. Having people listen to your feelings, thoughts and struggles can help a lot. Make sure you have an outlet so you can be your best self.
The 3 ways to be more positive and passionate are:
1. Surround yourself with positive people.
2. Honour your values!
3. Keep moving forward, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
These are three of the top ways I stay positive and passionate, but I have a lot more! Learn more in my book, Live Your Passion.
And, If you’re a woman and want to learn how to unleash the potential that exists inside of you, consider signing up for my Dynamic You Program to help give you the clarity you’re working on.
But everyone is different, so I'd love to hear from you!
How do you stay passionate and positive? Dancing to music? Walking your dog?
Let me know!
Liked this post? Here are three more you might also like to read!
Work when you can: 6 tactics to get more done in less time
4 crucial questions about your life path
Finding the Right Accountability Partner
Get Goaled! Coaching Mastermind
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