Do you need a proven method to boost your confidence?
Confidence is one of those things some people think either you're born with or you're not, but the truth is it’s something you can build in yourself.
You’ll love this one simple and easy action that you can do to boost your confidence in any area of life and also at any time in your life.
The problem with confidence is that we feel like we need to be confident with everything, right from the very beginning. This is almost never the case, especially with something that's new.
I look back now after publishing four of my own books and being published in three others. I can remember that first time, that idea of “Oh my gosh, I'm going to put a book together. I’ve never done this before. How am I going to do this? I'm freaking out!”
Then, my saboteurs were coming in and saying a whole bunch of stuff like:
Have you heard those voices before, the limiting beliefs can hold you back?
Well, the easiest way to shut them up and the fastest way to boost your confidence is to say you're going to do something and then do it.
Let me illustrate
If you say, “I'm going to write a book” it might feel like a big leap. It’s a big thing to be taking on and in saying it, you could be thinking, “I'm not going to feel confident if I say that I'm going to be an author.”
Instead, could you just do that first step? Now, what would be the first step to writing a book? Sit with that question for a minute. What would be the first step to writing a book?
Do you think that you could figure out that one first step and then do it? So let's say that you were going to write a book and that first step was to come up with what you would write about. How long do you think it would take you to figure that out? Maybe just a half hour asking yourself some questions and brainstorming. Who knows you might already have it off the top of your head.
So let’s say the first task towards writing your own book was choosing a topic/message, or deciding whether it's fiction or nonfiction.
Just make sure the step is something you 150% believe you can do. Then when you say you'll do it, you commit to doing it, and you actually do it - this is how you build confidence.
If you don't know how to do the step, how could you figure that out? You break it down even smaller than that. For example, to figure out the topic for your book here’s how you could get it done.
See, these are all easy first steps. What seems to be “a hard first step'' can be broken down even smaller.
Then the next step of committing could be, “I'm going to have a conversation with a coach, a book publisher, a friend, or a client. I'm going to book that call. I'm going to have that call.” What if that was your first step? Are you 150% sure that you could do that? If the answer is yes. Then you do it.
When you commit to something that you 150% know that you can do, that you have the ability to do, and that you will do, then you go do it. That is you proving you can do the things you say you'll do. That you can be committed and follow through. This is the easiest way to build confidence.
Here’s another example, if your goal is to increase your confidence in working out or going to the gym, the first step can be to call a gym and ask about membership? It could be buying that new pair of running shoes!
Though calling the gym is not working out, just doing this first step, this small first step, saying you'll do it, actually following through and doing it and having the result, this will build your confidence.
Then when you get a whole bunch of these “150% I can do this” sort of steps, you build confidence with each step, and you get closer and closer and closer to the goal.
This is how I originally started with putting together the Dynamic You book. What's it about you ask? Well, since I was leading a group called Dynamic Women, everyone kept asking me, “So Diane, what's a dynamic woman?” I thought maybe it was time to actually share the answer. Then I had a conversation with a friend who walked me through what else would be in it. We talked about it and she was able to pull the information out of me.
The first thing I committed to was the same as my example, what do I want it to be about? I 150% knew that I could come up with one topic. Then I 150% knew I could have a conversation with a friend and talk through it. By then talking it through, I committed to figuring out what the chapters would be by coming up with a framework. The framework was having the Nine Pillars of being a Dynamic Woman. I committed to defining the Nine Pillars, and then I committed to fleshing out each chapter.
I’ll admit I was freaked out when I thought, ‘I'm going to write a book.’ The funny thing is I also had to do it in 90 days because it was being purchased for a women’s convention that I was being flown in to present at. But that's what ended up happening because all I did was commit to the next step that I could 150% do.
Then Your Confidence Grows More!
Then not only do you build confidence by doing those small steps, but then you feel more confident to take on bigger goals and opportunities. Ones that push your boundaries, different steps, different tasks that you never would have thought of doing before. I would have never thought of formatting my own book, and publishing it on Amazon. I never would have thought to do a collaborative book and welcome other women to share their story not once but I did it twice. If you told me all that on day one, I wouldn't have believed it. I would have been freaked out. I would have thought, how can I ever do that?
Now the cool thing is, I'm so confident about putting out books that I have also shown my team how to publish a Journal and helped clients to put together their own books! But I never started that way.
Taking off the pressure of knowing every single step, and having to be ready for each of those steps on day one, helps to build your confidence because all you have to do is know what the next step and be 150% confident that you can do it, and then follow through.
I ask you now what area of life do you need to boost your confidence in?
So what do you do now? Figure out something that you want to accomplish and ask yourself, what is the smallest first step that you could possibly take, that you 150% believe, that you can achieve. Then go do it. You'll start to see what you can accomplish and your confidence increases.
I know you can figure out that 1st simple step and get it done!
The next step will increase in its level of difficulty. But you got this. You can do it. When you apply this, let me know how it goes. Comment below. Share in a post and tag me. Or shoot me an email at email@example.com
Have you ever felt that you had so many things vying for your attention that you wondered, “where should I focus my energy and attention?”
Probably. I’ll help you answer this.
Maybe in the past 20 months, you’ve had to keep checking with regulations, restrictions, and with ways of keeping everyone safe.
These are common thoughts:
And now it’s the start of 2022. Where you put your time, energy and attention is important for your success.
I’m going to ask you some powerful questions (because questions are always the things that move us forward).
The First Question
In 2021 and in past years, where have you invested your time, energy and money?
If I was to take your calendar I could probably see where you focused your energy and attention.
But what else didn’t make it in your planned schedule?
I hope you've got some idea of where you did focus. Moving forward, is that still where you want to focus your attention? Is that the best place to invest your time, energy and money?
Well, I'll tell you, the best places to choose are the ones that give you the biggest return on investment. You need to know that. What is going to be giving you the best ROI?
What area could you focus on that would actually give you a 10x return?
You know the area. It's you. You are where you should invest your time. You are where you should invest your energy. You are where you should invest your money.
Because you're going to have the biggest return, not just in your work or in your business, but in all 10 areas of life.
Sadly, as women, we tend to focus on other people’s needs. We forget about ourselves. We need to focus on ourselves and not feel guilty about it. And I find a lot of people invest in outward things. But why don't we invest in ourselves first? It could be that you grew up in a place or a time when you spend money on the things you needed like in the traditional sense like Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. You need shelter, so you’re paying your rent or you’re paying your mortgage. You need food so you’re paying for groceries. Same with medicine and also clothes.
All these different examples are items you really have to buy to be able to stay safe and secure.
Then there's the wants. Those cute shoes or handbag. Maybe some special spa services. The things that you think are the extras or that you still buy, but you're not getting as much of an investment back.
We've maybe been taught to go without it. You could feel like if you’re going to have any money to invest, it's going to be in marketing your business or in paying for services for your business. That's all great, but your yearly budget should also include personal development.
Some people wouldn't even think twice about putting 20, 40, or 100 grand down for university, but they wouldn't invest in:
What's the difference?
Answering these questions is going to bring some things into light and help you decide what you want to focus on.
You do get excited about stuff, right? What do you like? What excites you? What gets you all fired up? Do you get excited about watching your kids play sports? Do you get excited about playing the piano? Or maybe about cooking? Or your favorite TV show? Or a certain type of car? What gets you all fired up? What gets you all excited?
2. How excited do you get about your own potential?
Do you even get excited about your potential? Have you even thought about your potential? You're maybe like, “Oh, not really. I just kind of make goals and go for it.” But if you can get excited about your own personal potential and set goals around that, where could you be at the end of the year? Have you figured that out?
You may be thinking about goals, and you've written them down, and maybe written down a business plan or a strategy for the next 12 months. But have you planned about where you want to be and how you want to grow personally by the end of the year?
Imagine if you were just 1% better every single day. So you worked on your potential, and you stepped into that 1% every day. You did something to better yourself, whatever it may be:
Now, if you do that 1% every single day, by the end of the next 12 months, you'd be 365% better. That's all you really need to do.
How excited do you now get about your own potential? Have you thought about what your own potential is? Or do you feel like you're in the fixed mindset of “This is how I am and I'm just not good at that or not good at this or I've capped out where I can get promotions or I've kind of hit the level of my business success.”
We talk to kids about their potential:
We talk to kids about where they should go and what they need to do to get there. But are we doing that for adults still? I don't think so. Do you have a plan on what you need to do to be able to reach that full potential?
Probably not. Most of the people I speak with and the audiences I'm giving keynotes to or doing workshops for, they don't even know what they want. They don't know enough about themselves. And when they do well, they don't even celebrate their successes.
How can you step into your potential, if you don't even celebrate who you already are? I’m not talking about like potential to have this much in sales. I mean, your human potential.
Yes, we can get excited about business. We can get excited about goals, but not to be a downer,the only constant is you!
Jobs come and go. Some marriages come and go. People come and go. Health comes and goes. You are the only constant. You are the only one who will stay the same in your life, meaning you're the only one that will be there.
By staying the same, I don't mean that you're always going to be the same person. But you will be the only one or the only constant in your own story.
Where you should focus your attention then does come down to one question…
What do you want the end of your year to look like?
Now is the time to invest some time, energy and money into yourself. A great option is the Dynamic Year program where we will create a dynamic one page plan that you can use as a compass to tell you where to focus your resources. It’s all about making the achievement of your success easier and to increase your confidence while doing it. My clients do this program year after year and swear that it has increased their success not just that year but every following year. Check it out here.
In my next blog, I will share with you the second question that you need to answer.
One of my clients, Paula Kent, once asked the question, “Why do the destructive patterns emerge so quickly when situations or life gets stressful?” In simple words, why do we go back to our old patterns of old bad habits?
First, think about the bad habits that you have.
I know for me that as soon as I get busy:
All of those things go away, and I lose my balance. This is where Paula was and where so many of my clients get.
The Wheel of Life
Your first tool or first way to really battle this is with the wheel of life.
The Wheel of Life is a professional coaching tool. What it does is it really shows you a bird's eye view of what life balance is like for you at the current moment. Not three weeks from now or three weeks ago.
So today, how is it? How is your balance? How satisfied are you in each area of life?
It's going to quickly tell you where you're not satisfied. It's going to quickly tell you where you're off balance. When you have these destructive patterns that emerge so quickly, it's going to give you the answers right in your face to the question: Where am I really losing it?
Making New Goals or Habits
Now that you know the areas to focus on:
Then you get to make a decision. Do I want to do more in that area to make that better?
If yes, you’re going to make some goals or some new habits around those areas. This is one option.
Get into Maintenance Mode
Another option you have is to pull back and go into maintenance mode when life gets stressful or when major things happen.
Those are all things that happen quickly and can be unexpected. Even if you knew it was going to happen because a big project, renovation or surgery was planned, it is still something that can make you feel overwhelmed.
Life gets stressful, but you need to know what you have to do to get into maintenance mode. What do you do when life gets crazy? Here are some examples:
In maintenance mode, you can also think of doing/not doing these things:
You need to know which areas of your life you can dial back on: which solutions you can bring in to make that area easier. Maybe get a house cleaner that week just to help you out. Maybe you bring on someone to help you in your business that week.
When life is crazy, ask yourself, “What are the basics of what I need right now?”
I call that maintenance mode. Rather than you trying to fulfill all 10 areas and be perfect and amazing in all of your life, you really get to dial back in those certain areas. You could focus on just the top 4 priorities.
When my son broke his femur, there were definitely a lot of things that I had to do in order to go into maintenance mode. I've seen this in clients when they were on a leave of absence or mat leave, then the company wants them to come back to work full time. The problem is if they didn’t they would lose their job. All of a sudden, they're back in a full time career, but also trying to manage everything they managed before.
Just go into maintenance mode. Use the tool of the Wheel of Life to really see where things are at, and then have a little grace with yourself. We fall back into patterns because they were easy or for some reason, they supported us before. But you have now either leveled up your life and who you are, and you don't want to undo the good work you have done.
If you already have a really great morning routine, you already have a really great health routine, or you already have really great relationships, you don't want to undo those by going back to those bad habits.
Use your self-awareness. Go into maintenance mode so you can stay on track and figure out an easy plan. Write down all the things you are not satisfied with. Then once you are feeling less overwhelmed, put a plan in place where one by one, you can start to get back into the swing of things.
If you’d like to go through the Wheel of Life you have 2 options:
Read my other blogs here:
1. Using GOOD Habits to Achieve Your Goals
2. How successful women replace BAD habits with GOOD Ones
3. 10 Honestly GOOD habits to have
Are you feeling a little out of control of your life right now?
Michael Altshuler once said, “The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.”
It got me thinking, how many people are really the pilot of the course of their lives?
Who is really choosing the destination that you’re going to? And how are you going to get there?
What does it mean to be the pilot of your life? It means:
Do you feel that you are in control of your life right now? That you are really the one in the pilot's seat to get you there?
There are many times in our lives when we feel a little out of control. We feel like we are not the ones who are really charting the course for where we're going. You may be in one of these situations:
Are you in any of these situations?
I want to give you full kudos. You are such a loving person to be able to give up what you want to do for others. But it's hard to not be in the pilot's seat if you want to be. It's hard to let life or others make your decisions for you when you have your own desires.
If you have had to make a really hard, selfless decision to support a partner, a family member, or a parent, I applaud you. Reading this might not be the right step for you, but it gives you an idea of what you can do to feel in control of the other areas of your life.
You may just be feeling out of control for some reason (like COVID-19) and it’s making you feel like you can't chart your own course. What if you're in the midst of trying to gain back control, but until you complete something, do something, or a certain time comes, you're held back?
Getting back into your pilot’s seat
I've got a few tips, tricks, and a few philosophies around how you can get back into being in the pilot's seat. As a coach, I find that one of the hardest questions that I ask people is, “What do you want?"
That simple question, though, of “What do you want?” isn't so simple.
We then go through the process of looking at all 10 areas of life and figuring out what would make you feel the most fulfilled and happy.
If you want to be the pilot of your life, you need to be able to answer the question, “What do you want?” And not just answer it but answer it with confidence and with passion.
What do you want in each of those 10 areas? With your:
Then, we determine what are your top three goals that you want to be focusing on right now.
“What do you want?” and “What are the top things that you want to be focusing on?” will really get you to where your destination is. If you want to be the pilot of your life, you need to know where you're going. That's how you get back in control.
A lot of times, we are living our lives according to other people's agendas. The agenda of your boss, spouse, family, kids, and maybe even of society.
With Michael's quote, “the bad news is time flies.” Therefore, if you want to gain back control, today is the day. Figure out what you want, and then you need to make a plan to get there.
It could be time to have some difficult conversations with others:
You have permission to take back the pilot's seat… to be the pilot of your plane.
It doesn't mean you don't honor anybody else or their wants. It means that you get to fly your course, too. You have permission to have clarity on what you want, the confidence to go for your goals and to get into action.
The next piece is, who do you need to be in order to get there. Do you have to be organized, creative, confident, outspoken, determined, persistent, resilient? There are so many different ways of being. It's not just the “doing” that's important. It's the “being” side that helps you to get there.
What type of pilot do you want to be?
There have been times in my life where I looked around, and I thought, “Wow, I didn't necessarily pick this job. It just kind of found me. It was offered to me. I knew someone who knew someone who was offering a job, and now I have the job.”
Then I look around and I think, “Wow, I'm hanging out with these people. I'm friends with these people.” But again, I didn't necessarily choose them. They were connected to a job, my kids, or they were in a club I was in.
I wonder, in your life, how much of your life is by your own design? Or how much is just based on circumstance, convenience, or settling?
I'm not saying just because you happen to get a job or you happen to meet people and hang out with them, that you're settling. But it's a question to ask yourself. If you want to be in the pilot's seat and if you want to be able to chart the course of where you're going, you need to be honest about where you're at. If you could, Would you choose your career again? Your friends again? Your situation again?
So once you know where you're going, you know your top three goals. You know how you need to redesign with other people and you know who you need to be. It's time to take action. Make a full plan.
What's the first step? And then after that? And then what comes next? What do you need to learn? Who do you need to bring on board to help you to get where you're going?
Are you now thinking, “Oh, man, I don't want to be the pilot. I want to be the passenger. I just want someone to take me through this.”
Whether you want to be the pilot or a passenger or not. If you don't feel like you're getting the right answers, or you have the clarity but you’re not getting into action or you lack the confidence around it, let's have a conversation.
Reach out to me firstname.lastname@example.org. I really want you to be able to be in the pilot's seat of your life because, as Michael says, time flies. Can you really miss another day?
Read my other blogs here:
1. How is Overthinking Affecting you?
2. 4 crucial questions about your life path
3. The Power of Baby Steps
I have a confession, and it has to do with being an impostor.
Michelle Obama felt like an impostor. It all comes down to a psychological condition called “Imposter Syndrome.” According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one's abilities, or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one's ongoing success.
It's the truth. There are so many people who are feeling like impostors. So many powerful women have felt like impostors or currently feel like an impostor.
Do you feel like an impostor?
Let me share my personal experience.
Many times in my career and in my life, I have felt like I didn't belong. I have felt that I wasn’t good enough. It often came from me and the worst was when other people told me that I didn’t belong.
When I was a young girl, about 11, I was really succeeding and leading the way in soccer. I was noticed for my ability by an indoor soccer boys team that invited me to come and play with them. I was excited because this was going to be a higher level of challenge for me. I was honored to be invited.
When I showed up there, I worried, “Oh, my goodness, I have to step up to this level. Can I?”
*insert imposter syndrome*
I see a gym full of boys and soccer balls and we start practicing. When we get into pair work, no one wants to do the drills with me! I really started to feel like I didn't belong. That I wasn’t wanted there.
Maybe you felt this way at some point in your life. You weren't allowed to be there. People didn't want you there or maybe you just weren't good enough to be there, so you self-sabotage your way out of being there.
Because I was young and I still had a little bit of naive confidence, even though they didn't want to pair with me, I thought, “Okay, well, I'm still here, so I'm still gonna practice.” In the end, the coach had to put his son with me because no one would pair up with me.
I heard the murmurs. Maybe you have heard them too. Maybe it was the truth. Maybe it wasn't the truth.
Sadly, we murmur to ourselves the most, judging ourselves, doubting ourselves THE MOST.
Have you heard these? Have you felt these?
What happened for me was a lesson and maybe a lesson for the boys, who knows. The coach sat everyone down and said, “The reason why Diane is here is because she's a really good player.”
Nothing. No reaction. They didn't care. Then, the next comment was, “You should be glad she is here because she's going to help us do well.” Again, for their benefit. They didn't care. But the last comment was a little bit of a poke to them. He said, “And to be honest, she’s probably better than most of you here.”
Well, saying to a group that you’re better than them is a way to not belong. But hey, at least I knew that the coach wanted me to be there.
How many times in your life and in your business have you got to that place of these questions?
Women and Imposter Syndrome
The sad thing is imposter syndrome is probably holding you back. It has held me back. Now, where does Michelle Obama come in here? Well, former US First Lady Michelle Obama was speaking to some girls and she urged them to resist imposter syndrome.
Why did she say that? Because she felt it on the way up the ladder, as Barack was going up, what happened? She felt like she had to fight men for power. She had to prove herself all the time.
Until we as women step up into who we were meant to be, until we are unapologetically ourselves, until we really take ownership of the amazing things that we have done, we can suffer from impostor syndrome.
There are many negative problems that come from imposter syndrome:
The Stark difference between Men and Women
A Business Insider study said that men and women view success differently. Men believe that success comes from their innate skills and talents. Women believe that their success comes from luck and help from others. If our success comes from luck and help from others, no wonder we feel like impostors because we are saying that the only reason why we succeed is because someone helped us. So we aren’t the lead of our own success.
I don't know how many times the clients I work with reach a level of success, win an award, and they still think that they only got there because of other people. Maybe they got there with some help from other people, but not completely.
If you run a team yourself, you are the one to lead them to greatness. Yes, you could have great people on your team to take ownership and celebrate the things that you did.
The other thing that is going to happen is how are we ever going to be paid equally to men if we don't own that we actually belong at that level. There was another study that I read. It said something like, a woman feels she needs 80% and above qualifications for a role or a position before she'll apply.
Sometimes it even takes the urging of a mentor or someone else in the company in order to get her to go for it. This also includes my clients who were speakers. They don't go for certain projects, engagements, keynotes, and conferences because they feel like they're not good enough.
So not getting paid the same, not going for opportunities that are the same.
The other thing is, how are we ever going to have more women in high-up leadership positions if we continue to feel like we're an imposter. Now, it's one thing to think, “Oh, I'm slightly under where I need to be” and that's fine, but it's another to limit yourself.
In that same study that I read where a woman feels she needs 80% and above qualifications for a role or a position before she'll apply, it's only 20% for men. If a man has 20% of the qualifications for that role, that position, that engagement, that board spot, whatever it may be, he only needs 20% of the skills to say to himself, “I'm going to step into that.”
Now, this is a complete blanket generalization. I get that. But it was a fact that I read. And I see it play out over and over and over and over and over in my female clients, in the women in my Dynamic Women® Community, even in the successful women that I interview on my Dynamic Women® Podcast, the women in my collaborative books, they still feel like impostors.
It often comes from a limiting belief.
The number one limiting belief according to the research Brene Brown is, “I am not enough.” This is basically feeling like you are an impostor.
Thai happens no matter your level of success because every time you push yourself to the next limit, you move yourself out of your comfort zone. I do this all the time, maybe you do too. Then I have that second... that moment of “Am I really meant to be here? Have I really deserved this position?”
Do you know what I changed it to? Absolute immense gratitude.
I'm constantly presented with the option of choosing impostor syndrome every time I push you out of my boundaries, and the same goes for you. When you level up, you have that moment where you’re going to feel like an impostor. But you also have the chance to choose gratitude. You also have the chance to create the most magnificent plan to step into that next level and to feel more confident there. BUT:
So if you ever feel like an impostor or if you feel like you're an impostor in one or more areas of your life, I'm telling you, it's okay. It's totally okay. It's about boosting your confidence so that you can own that position. That you can be there and be your most brilliant self.
You and I are not really impostors. We're just holding ourselves back, but not anymore...
P.S. You can still get the Confidence Fast Start! It’s a box full of experiential items that can help you build confidence!
“How are you?”
We always say it, but did you know that you could be using this simple greeting in the wrong way?
It may seem simple, but the question “How are you?” “How you doin’?” “How you goin’?” can be taken the wrong way. It can be used in the wrong fashion.
I didn't really put too much weight on this in the past. I know that people ask this question and use it as a greeting. Our common answers to this question are:
Then, we ask the other person the same question and they give a quick response. After that, it’s over and done with.
But how often have you actually asked other people the deeper question of “How are you really doing?” or “How are you actually doing?”
So often, we just use it as a greeting, and then we're on our way. We don't actually stand there and wait for the FULL response. We don't notice when there are inconsistencies with how someone is appearing: how they’re acting, their voice, their tone, the inflection, and the way their body language is speaking something completely different.
Have you ever noticed the time when you've said to someone, “How are you doing?” And they answer, “Oh, okay.” Then, you feel there's something deeper here. “I'm okay or “I'm good” isn't actually how they're feeling, but you don’t ask for more.
Why don’t you? We’ve all been there. Maybe you don't have time to find out how they really feel, or you don’t want to pry or it makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re just not that close to them.
How many times have you been asked this simple question, and you've given a quick “Good” or “Okay” but really deep down, you were hurting or there was more to that “I'm okay.” But you weren't ready to stop them from just being a greeting and to say more about how you're actually feeling.
This came to light when I was in an “after convention hangout”, and some of my colleagues were having a lot of light conversations. There were a lot of jokes, reminiscing, talking about what we learned, and sharing our goals.
Then there was a pause and someone asked one of the attendees, “How are you?” She opened up and shared that she’s actually not doing okay and she’s not doing fine, the truth came out. The truth of how:
We welcomed her honesty. It gave her the space to share. I know I could relate. At the time, I was dealing with my father's death, and I didn't feel like myself.
If you were to ask me right now how I am doing, I'm going to give you the real answer. I'd say I'm starting to feel more like myself. But if you'd asked me a few months ago, I probably would have said, “Well, I'm okay. I'm fine.”
But if you asked me how I'm really doing, and paused to hear, I would have told you, “I'm struggling.” I would have told you grief sucks. This colleague of ours had the courage to share more and had the courage to go into the truth of how she really was feeling.
It was nice for her to have that space for us to listen to her. Do you know what flowed after that? The truth. The truth of how everyone else was doing. No one had to keep up appearances anymore.
More people shared about
We had the ultimate sharing. What it came down to was someone asking her, “How are you really?” and being there to hear the answer.
It makes me wonder how many of the people around you or me are not doing well. But we don't ask them in a way that's not a greeting.
I wonder if hundreds of thousands of years ago people used the expression, “How are you?”
Maybe people used it to find out how others are doing rather than just to spark a conversation with your neighbor. Maybe as you were cutting down a tree, or plowing a field, or bartering and exchanging goods, you actually had a conversation. You knew each other so well that you would share more.
But in today's world, the way things are, we're Zooming with people across the world. We're jumping into networking events and conferences online. We're rushing from here to there. And the greeting of “How are you” just stays at that. It becomes a rhetorical question. It doesn't really even matter what people say because are we really listening?
This is what my colleague brought forward. She said people ask her all the time how she's doing, but do they really want to know the full answer? She didn’t think so.
I wonder how long this colleague of mine felt unheard, but also how much of it is our responsibility to be able to say, “Hey, I really want to tell you how I'm doing. I'm ready to tell you now.”
A little while later in true Canadian style, she apologized to the group for dumping it on them. I private messaged her, “Don't ever apologize for speaking the truth of where you're at.”
If we encourage people to keep their true feelings inside, imagine what will happen. This is when it becomes too much, unbearable. If people are struggling, if they are having negative feelings or a hard time in life, then they need to not walk the journey alone. But how do they know who they can talk to if we don't ask them in a way where we stand there and we wait for the response?
I'm not judging because I constantly do a quick “Hey, how's it going?” to people as I catch them in the mall or walking down the street or at the school playground, especially now in the days where we have to stay so separated by 2 metres or when we're on Zoom meetings and everybody's listening. That's using the quick “Hey, how's it going?” as a greeting because there are too many people in the room to get an actual response.
But how about if we just took a little bit more notice… lingered a little bit longer after asking the question… checked for consistency, congruence between what their body and their look, their appearance, their tone, their intonation is telling you compared to the words they actually used.
If they say “I'm fine” or “I'm good,” then don't be afraid to follow up with them with:
Sometimes we just need that door to open to be able to share more of our feelings and of what is going on in our lives. How many times have we opened the door for others? I get that you're not going to do this with the waitress or a cashier. You're going to say your greeting, and maybe when they say they're good, you're going to say, “Well, I hope you continue to have a good day.” Maybe we extend the conversation a little bit beyond.
If you haven't seen a friend for a while, why not reach out and ask how they are really doing. Rather than just a text, an email, or a message in some other capacity, why don't you get on the phone and really ask? Have a conversation.
If you yourself feel like people are just asking you this rhetorical question, and they don't really care about the answer then take responsibility for it. Tell people you need them to listen. Say, “Thank you for asking. I'm actually not doing really well” if that's the truth about where you are. Choose the right people you want to do that with so that you have a safe space to share more and so they can then support you.
If we remain quiet and we don’t share with others how it's going, no one will be able to step up and help. You don’t have to walk this alone. There are many people out there who can help. Maybe not people in your current life, maybe not people you know, but there are people on call lines. There are people at churches. There are people who are trained to support you like counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and coaches. There are people out there that can support you beyond “How are you?”
As you go into the world, I encourage you, if you're going to do a greeting of “How are you?” that's fine. Just look for those inconsistencies. When you have the time or create the time, linger a little longer to look for the true answer and if you sense that the person is not fine or not good, and there's a little bit more underneath:
Or remind them that you're there to support them if they ever need it. If everyone did this, COVID would be a little bit easier to deal with. Life would be a little bit easier to get through. We'd all know that we weren't alone in this crazy world.
Are you not getting the results you really want? Are you not happy with the speed to get those results?
When you’re going towards your goal, you put in time, resources, and energy. Maybe in your business, you're trying some different marketing efforts. Then you realize that you’re not getting the return on investment that you’re looking for. Or you think you’ve got this goal that you want to reach, but you’re just not quite getting there fast enough.
One of the most common errors I see is that people are not investing in the right areas. I don't mean the right area of life or the right area of their business. It really boils down to three things:
One of these three things is the real reason why you have an obstacle. All obstacles stopping you from achieving your goal, getting the results that you want and having you feeling stuck come from either mindset, skillset, or network.
Answering these questions will help you choose which of the three areas you need to invest in and focus on. When I use the words “invest in”, I don't mean that you're investing in a business, like you're giving them $100,000 in capital or you're investing in a real estate property, or you're investing in stocks and bonds. However, the same kind of rules apply. If you put in so much money, then you should be getting back more than what you invested. It should have an ROI, return on investment. Spending money means that it's gone. It disappears. But when you're investing in something, you're looking to get a higher return. It's not just investing your money, it's also investing your time and investing your energy.
Let’s see if your problems are part of your mindset, skillset, or network.
Mindset really helps you to feel like you can go for it and feel like you can achieve it. Mindset examples are:
When you have a top mindset, when you're really playing at that higher level:
I was playing soccer the other day, and there was a 50/50 ball between my team's player and their team's player. As they came up, their player hesitated to jump in to get that free ball. In that split second, her mindset threw her off. Her mindset caused her to hesitate and her mindset caused her to lose the ball. My teammate got it.
So I ask you now, how is your mindset inhibiting your business and your life? Where is it holding you back? Where is it stopping you from feeling like you can achieve things?
When we don't feel like we can achieve something, it might cause perfectionism. Where we just keep going over and over and over something and tweaking and perfecting but we never actually finish. Our mindset makes us procrastinate because we don't believe we can do it, so we avoid it and we do other things rather than actually pushing forward and trying it out.
The sad thing is, when you hesitate, someone else is going to pick up that
They are going to have that opportunity because their mindset is on point. When you think of Olympic sprinters, their physical ability in running is only fractions of seconds from each other. Their ability to go from being an Olympian to being a gold medalist and the Silver and Bronze is so close. Most of that comes down to mindset training.
How is your mindset holding you back?
Ask yourself these questions:
When I started my business, I didn't know how to offer from stage. I didn't know how to build programs. I didn't know how to even coach. So I had to invest in training, mentors, and coaches to be able to boost these.
I'm sure if you've had a business or you work in a business or even in your career, you've had some form of training or some form of skills taught to you so that you're able to take on new or more difficult tasks.
If you're going towards something new in your business, something that's the next level, or even in your life, you need to have that special skill set. You need to invest in the training/education, mentors, and coaches to be able to do that.
If that's the piece that's holding you back, if that's the piece that has you stuck, let me tell you:
If you feel like a specific skill set is where you're lacking, you don't have the right skills or the right talents to move you forward, like
Then there are places you can go. This is where you need to invest your time, energy and money to upgrade or master a skill.
This can happen over time or you can be really good at it and have your network grow pretty quickly. Your network is the people you serve. It's the people you know. It's the people you can offer to, and those who surround you, like mentors, coaches, colleagues who push you forward.
The truth is with no platform or network, your success will be slower, and it will take more energy. It's much easier with other people as your fans and connections. With the right people, you can leverage their network in order to push your business forward.
You don't have to be a lone wolf. AND you don't have to be Superwoman. I know we're trying to do all these things ourselves or we're trying to have a lean startup, but leveraging your network is so smart. Even if you don't have the money, maybe you have the time. You could trade. You could barter with other people. You could do an hour for hour swap with someone who has something that you want and/or you have a skill or talent that they want.
I'm part of CAPS or the Canadian Association of Professional Speakers. I was speaking with someone who is producing the networking content for our convention this year. She wanted to talk to me because she says I'm the queen of networking, which made me laugh and also really felt good to hear.
It made me think well, what is it that makes me the queen of networking?
It's collaborators. It's joint venture partners. It’s affiliates. All three add so much to your network. When we started talking about the different CAPS networking and breakouts that they were going to do between the educational and keynote sessions, I got quite excited. I was thinking that this is going to be so cool. It’s going to be a really great opportunity to expand my network and for all the attendees to be able to expand their networks as well.
When you expand your network, so much more can happen and it will happen much faster. So answer this, how can you expand your network by investing time, energy, and money into it?
What You Can Do
If you’re not where you want to be, it is because you're lacking one of the three areas: mindset, skillset or network. Which is the one you need to focus on right now? Maybe you're honest and think, “Oh, Diane, it's all three.” Well, it doesn't have to be all three. You can just pick one right now. Pick the one that makes the most sense.
Once you pick the area that you want to focus on, then ask yourself: What do I have an abundance of? Is it time, energy, or money? Then invest that into that area.
Options for Mindset
Options for Skillset
Options for Network
Your best investment in life and in business is not always in things like cars, houses, stocks, bonds, or items you want. I know that there will be financial advisors that will tell you to invest in those things. Yes, you need to. But I’ve found that not enough attention is put on investing in your mindset, your skill set, and your network. When you do, you can get a higher return. These are areas that cannot be taken from you. Lastly, the only way to be able to hit your goals is by investing in yourself.
So which one do you want to work on right now? Is it mindset, skill set, or your network? Which one needs to take top priority right now?
In my last blog, I talked about the seven problems in our culture that are holding you back from your happiness. Now, I am going to share the things that we do. Once you start tackling these things, you're going to be able to clear space and find more satisfaction in life.
Number 1: We fail to put ourselves on our list
The list of what? The list of priorities, the list of items that are a need or a want to be able to have a fulfilling life. That’s the key.
I recently hung out with a bunch of really successful professionals. They are amazing, smart, kind, and giving women who when asked the question of “What are your personal goals?” had no friggin idea! None at all.
I'm not blaming them. It's just sad. It is sad that there are still so many people out there who have no idea (men, kids, adults included) who still don't know what brings them joy, what they should do for fun.
People come to me and I look at their whole lives, and we talk about satisfaction in every area of life. Fun and recreation is often neglected. The health side is often neglected. And we're doing it to ourselves, as well as not seeing where society does it to us.
Number 2: We fail to live according to our values
I don't mean morals. I mean values. The things that make us tick. The things that give us our energy, our mojo, our resonance. When we are honoring our values, we’re in alignment.
I do a Values Discovery Session, helping you figure out your values. You can't do it yourself. You need someone else to be looking in and asking you questions. But once you figure that out, you're going to know where you're aren’t honouring your values and who is dishonouring your values.
When you're in alignment, you have energy. When you're OUT of alignment, you feel a void of energy. It feels like you're pushing and you can be so tired and overwhelmed from it.
Number 3: We fail to give to ourselves first
We give others the opportunity to have food, to have rest, or to have sleep. As nurturers, we give before we receive and make sure everyone else is good. I don't know how many times:
We don't give to ourselves first even though you all know that analogy around, “You have to put your own oxygen mask on first.”
Number 4: We don't get support to make it happen
We often say to ourselves:
You are, but you can have support to make all of these things happen. You can have support to figure out what you want. You don't need to do or know everything yourself.
It's okay to hire a coach, a counselor, a psychologist, or psychiatrist, someone to support you in this, as well as all the health side of things: a naturopath, a homeopath, a chiropractor, a massage therapist. Whatever you need to support you in your growth. It's okay to get help!
Number 5: We do not take care of our own needs all the time
We wait. We put it off. This was very apparent to me when I’d been home working all day. I might have had one child at home at the time as well. Or I brought them to daycare and back or my other child to school and back and then I'm home and making dinner and I'm cleaning up and everyone comes in and then my husband disappears!
I'm like, “Where did he go?” He just walked in the door. The kids need attention. I'd like some help, and he disappeared. Then I hear the water running. He went to have a shower. I was so shocked. Why? Because I would never dare have a shower now because there's dinner that needs to be made, the house needs to be picked up, the kids need our attention, and he needs my attention.
I'm going to shower when all of that is done and the kids are in bed and lunches are packed and maybe laundry has been folded.
I realized that I was not taking care of my needs and I saw how I could learn so much from him. I needed to learn that it's okay:
How funny that I was pissed at first, but now I'm grateful that his action of simply going to have a shower gave me permission to take care of my own needs like he was.
Number 6: We fail to ask better questions of ourselves and of others
We don't ask ourselves:
What if these questions were more common at parties and get-togethers rather than, “What do you do?” being the topic.
What if one of these were the first question we ask people rather than “What do you do?” because “What do you do for fun?” “What do you enjoy? What brings you joy?” That's something that will carry through your whole life. But “What you do?” isn't always something that will be there forever.
Number 7: We fail to listen to our intuition
It is talking to you. It is telling you what you need. It is sharing with you what you desire.
If we listen to our intuition, that little voice, a little positive voice that is answering these questions or giving us nudges, we'd be happier.
For example, I kept getting nudges around drumming. The kind where you hold a drum between your legs and hit it. I thought about it a lot and mentioned it to clients. I eventually took African drumming. I took the course every Sunday afternoon. I would go and I would do African drumming with a circle of other people all learning it. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought I could just whack it and you can't because there are techniques to it.
What are your little intuition pieces telling you? You have opportunities when you listen to your intuition.
Another example is following my intuition when picking my courses for university. I was flipping through the Course Guide and for some reason, the Japanese course was something that I was drawn to. I heard the little voice saying, “I want to do that.” There was something pushing me to do it. At the end of my four years of university, I loved all things Japanese. I loved the language so much that I went on an adventure to Japan for not just one year, but three!
Now it’s your turn!
Over the next 24 hours, I encourage you to listen to the little voice. The little voice may be saying:
That little voice is helping you out.
I feel super passionate about this. I want you to be able to answer the question of “What do you like to do?”
If you were a client of mine and we were working together through this right now, I would probably do a values exercise to help you find your values. I'd go through the Wheel of Life so we could find out exactly what you are wanting. I would take you through some exercises so you not only have clarity, but are excited and motivated and you have a plan!
If you want to delve into this further, if the answer to this question is eluding you, or you're not quite sure if you have the right answer, I really encourage you to reach out.
Let's have a chat. Let's see how I can support you. Why bother? Because there's a piece of you that wants more. That there's going to be a time when you're not so busy (the kids leave, you have more time or space, or you earn enough money so you don't need to work anymore). How are you going to fill your time and space? How are you going to get right in tune with yourself?
Read my other related blogs here:
1. Seven Problems Holding YOU Back from Your Happiness
2. Want more success? Then pull up your big girl panties!
3. How successful women replace BAD habits with GOOD Ones
Have you been asked, “What are your hobbies?” or “What do you do for fun?” and you didn’t know how to answer those questions?
I’ve been meeting and finding people, especially women, who:
Something is holding them back from their happiness. Those questions are common. Not knowing how to answer them is also common! Not knowing the answer feels super frustrating! The crazy thing is that you're smart and successful and you should know the answers to these questions, shouldn’t you?
This happens because there are problems in our culture. Let's talk about the seven ways that basically our society or culture is screwing you over. These are the seven reasons why there are problems in our culture that are stopping you from knowing the answers to this question.
The 1st Problem: As women, we are seen or expected to be Superwomen.
Maybe you've heard of the Superwoman syndrome. I teach about that in some of my workshops with female leaders. We are expected to do it all.
We are expected to be:
We are looking to be amazing at every single role or title that we could possibly have. Why is that? Because we grew up in a time many of us (if you're my age) where our moms were mainly housewives.
There are a lot of moms out there that right now are housewives, but we're now in another time where we're also expected to be a great housewife and have a successful career. We're also expected to do a billion other things extremely well.
My role model is my mom. I think about how she was there, driving me around to sports, part of the school PAC, baking zucchini muffins and so much more! I feel like I’m not doing those things, and I ask myself, “Am I not a good mom? Do I need to step up?”
We're expected to be Superwomen. But the truth is, we're not. We're not Superwomen. But we are amazing. We are extraordinary, but we don't need to be perfect at every single title that we could possibly have.
The 2nd Problem: We keep so much in our heads.
We have to have so much in our heads:
We have to keep everyone else's schedule in our heads: when our family members have to go to the doctor’s and birthdays. Everything! I'm not saying just in your head, but maybe in your planner.
We have to control these things a majority of the time. From what I've seen, this is the case with so many women.
The 3rd problem: We are constantly asked to help.
We are always asked to help:
We’re constantly asked to help. In my case, I feel guilty that I'm only now attending the PAC meetings. I look around and see all these other moms. Well, where are the dads? Are the dads getting asked to be on the PAC? Are they? I'm not seeing it. I see one or two dads then the rest are female staff at the school or the moms.
We're constantly asked to help. My husband has never been asked to do a meal train. EVER. I wonder if he even knows what it is! We're usually the ones that do drop off and pick up for everything. We're often the ones that are asked.
No wonder you don't have to have time for hobbies because you're constantly being asked to help others. And what do we do? We often say “Yes.”
We get asked and we say yes. It's not a problem to say “Yes.” But the problem is that we're often asked, and then we feel obligated to say “Yes.” All. The. Time.
The 4th Problem: Giving selflessly is rewarded.
We often hear statements like:
We are rewarded when we give selflessly. I would really love it if women can be more self full. Full of self. Full of knowing themselves. Full of giving back to themselves. But it's not happening enough.
The 5th Problem: Being busy is a badge of honor.
I can't just sit and do nothing. I can't even watch a movie and not do anything. I'm watching a movie AND I am folding laundry. Do you relate to this? Do you feel like you can't just sit and chill?
You have to be doing something. Then people say, “Oh, you're so busy. You've got so much going on.” Yeah, I do. But the thing is being overly busy is killing us.
I was asked to be part of a board that they said would be great for me. I said, “I can’t, I’m busy.” They said, “We’re all busy.” I said “No, you don't understand. I don't have the bandwidth to do this.”
Recently, I've been having to say this more. No one told me this, but if you've ever had grief, it is debilitating! It screws with your focus. I am a rock star when I coach my clients, but man, I can't remember someone's name that I saw the other day. I do so many things that I'm tired. I'm so tired. So I've had to be kinder to myself.
Being busy should not be a badge of honor. We should be able to have quiet time, chill time, time for ourselves or time to rest. And celebrate time for ourselves.
The 6th Problem: People can be shocked when you have your own time.
I have friends whose husbands go on hunting trips, fishing trips, rugby trips, and even business trips and no one ever says to them, “Oh, but who's taking care of the kids?” or “Doesn't your work need you or anything?” Nothing like that is said. It's always like, “Cool, have fun.” or “Where are you going? How long are you going for?”
Whenever I take a trip to another country to have a conference or workshop, can you guess what I’m asked? They ask, “Oh, how is your husband going to handle the kids? Isn’t he also working when you’re away? Oh, he’ll have to cook or did you leave him some meals.” Well, I handle the kids a lot of the time. I friggin work, too! And my hubby never made me meals when he left on one of his trips.
It blows my mind that they’ll ask if I’ll take the kids with me. No, I’m not taking the kids with me. Do we ask guys if they are taking the kids with them on their trip? No! Because we think moms are at home.
Let me tell you about another thing. I play soccer on a Sunday morning. I'll say, “Oh, I can't go to that event because I have soccer.” Then someone often says, “Can’t someone else drive your child?” I’m like, “It’s MY soccer.”
I think they’re shocked that someone who is not younger is doing something that they love. Would we be shocked that a guy is playing a sport? I don't think so.
Another example is once a year, I'll go to Whistler or I'll go somewhere and I'll have an overnight. Just me. It's the most amazing thing. I drive there, go to the spa, hang out, shop around, go hike, sleep in, stroll around, etc. Sometimes I come back when the kids are in bed so I wouldn’t have to do bedtime! People are shocked. Why isn't it okay that I go? It’s not crazy that I went away. We need to rest and recharge.
The 7th Problem: We honor success and accomplishments over satisfaction.
We're constantly looking at people and see that they:
But the person can be miserable. I know people that are in unhappy marriages because
But they're not happy. They're not satisfied. What if we focus first on what brings us joy and satisfaction. I'm not suggesting we break up marriages. I'm definitely not saying that. But I'm saying we need to focus on what brings us satisfaction rather than striving for success.
These are the seven problems that prevent you from being able to do the things that you need to do for yourself. Can you relate to any of these? Let me know in the comments!
Read my other related blogs:
1. We are Starved for this - How to Deal with “I am NOT Enough”
2. The Three Things That Make You EXTRAORDINARY
3. The Price We Pay for Our Decisions
The world is starved for Recognition AND Appreciation. Are you part of the problem?
I think a lot of it comes from what would be considered the number one limiting belief, which is “I am not enough."
We are constantly judging ourselves. (And by “we” I mean women.) We are comparing ourselves to high standards. Now maybe not everyone has the same standards, but there’s often at least one of these questions...
There's always judgment. Sadly, it can be by us, by friends, by family, by society, or by culture.
It's very easy for us to feel starved for recognition, starved for appreciation because we're needing to feel like we're enough.
Now, let me ask you:
First of all, if this is happening to you or happening to those around you, this is how people feel when they are not recognized or appreciated. They feel a little bit like, “Why bother?”
And when you're in that place of “Why bother?” you feel apathetic. You're not driven. You're not driven to achieve.
Can you relate to that? What area in your life do you feel underappreciated? Have you done things that have gone unrecognized? You may have been in one of these situations:
If you are suffering from this, I'm sorry, that sucks! I'm on a mission to teach people to easily combat this.
If we just change the conversations we're having by doing this one thing I'm going to share, the world would be a better place.
If you're doing this action properly every single day:
You can acknowledge others. I'm sure you already know how to compliment someone. You say things like:
Since you know how to compliment, we can now move to acknowledging a person for who they are, what they have done, and who they’re being. This tells the person they have good qualities, they’re liked and they’re more than good enough!
It's really simple. It's four words, or it's five words.
The five-word version is “You are a/an + adjective + the role or title that they have (sister, brother, mother, father, friend).” We can acknowledge them for really any role or any title. For example, you can say, “You are a driven entrepreneur."
For a more personal example, my daughter made a beautiful “Dream Big” picture. I can say to her, “You are a creative artist” or “You are an imaginative designer."
This is supposed to be super-duper simple. An example is, “You’re a loving mother.” Here, “you are” just becomes “you’re."
I want you to be thinking about short and sweet. Just give them the full acknowledgement and drop it there.
By acknowledging someone else, you are giving them a word gift. It's an acknowledgement to who they are as a person. You are witnessing something good in them, a good skill, a good quality, or a good trait.
How would you feel if you received one of these acknowledgments? Pretty darn good! You’d feel awesome!
Don’t Mess it Up
Sometimes when I do this activity with clients or women in my Dynamic Woman Global Community, they want to add on, and add on, and add on more reasons. When you add on the reason why you said the acknowledgment, they might grab onto it and then make it untrue. For example, you go to an event that is really well put together and really well decorated. So you say to the host. “Thank you. You are a fantastic host.” This is a great acknowledgement and well received. But you don’t stop there, you mention the balloon decorations, the platters of food and the music. Now the host doesn't think they’re a great host because they ordered the balloons, the food was catered and your friend organized the music.
And it may be fine if you want to maybe add one more adjective. You can say, “You’re a loving and caring friend.” But wouldn't it be nice to use one and make it the focal point or the center of it. You can also drop the title or role and just say, “You're so loving” or “You're so loyal.” But it sometimes helps to give a little context. For instance, if I said to a friend, “You’re so strong.” Is that physically strong, mentally strong, emotionally strong, or strong to get through things?
On the other hand, if I said, “You're such a strong athlete.” We know it's physically strong. Giving the title gives some context.
Be part of the solution
In the beginning, I said that the world is starved for appreciation and recognition. If you are going to help to solve this problem, let's talk about what that would look like.
Let's say someone had surgery that they had to face or they're going to be facing, and you said, “You're such a courageous woman,” left it at that, just let that land that's going to positively affect that person's circumstances.
It's going to start to squash and push down the saboteur’s negative thoughts and negative self-judgments and negative limiting beliefs that come up.
Acknowledgements are so simple. I encourage you to look for opportunities to give these gifts. They don't cost a cent. With what's going on in the world today, we really need to be seen in a positive way. We need to be reinforced and given that energy of an acknowledgement from someone else and then that will ripple out to others. Maybe they then look to acknowledge others as well. Maybe you will start to get acknowledged more.
When you do this in an authentic way, it builds positivity and awesomeness with you and that person.
Answer these questions:
This is one aspect of pillar number six in my Dynamic You Program and book where I talk about being Magnetic. When you can do this to connect with others, to be more approachable, and to be positive, people will be drawn to you.
This is how I said that you're going to be able to build your network. If you do this action every day, you're going to be able to attract more connections. You're going to build stronger relationships. If you have employees, you'll retain them longer. And overall, you will be happier.
It doesn't cost you a thing to say these four or five words. I encourage you to do so. Let me know how many you could do in one day. Could you do 5? 10? A hundred? Let me know how it goes and let me know how the other person responded.
How did you make them feel by giving them that acknowledgement? You don't have to ask them. Just check in with them. What do you notice? How did they receive it?
I am a coach, a speaker, and I run the Dynamic Women Global Community. It's a place I love to go live. I love to give tips, tricks, and trainings on how to be more dynamic in all areas of life. This Online Facebook Group is a complimentary. You are welcome to join!
I appreciate you. I appreciate you because without you being here to read my blogs, I couldn't do the work I do. Thank you very much.
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