One of my clients, Paula Kent, once asked the question, “Why do the destructive patterns emerge so quickly when situations or life gets stressful?” In simple words, why do we go back to our old patterns of old bad habits?
First, think about the bad habits that you have.
I know for me that as soon as I get busy:
All of those things go away, and I lose my balance. This is where Paula was and where so many of my clients get.
The Wheel of Life
Your first tool or first way to really battle this is with the wheel of life.
The Wheel of Life is a professional coaching tool. What it does is it really shows you a bird's eye view of what life balance is like for you at the current moment. Not three weeks from now or three weeks ago.
So today, how is it? How is your balance? How satisfied are you in each area of life?
It's going to quickly tell you where you're not satisfied. It's going to quickly tell you where you're off balance. When you have these destructive patterns that emerge so quickly, it's going to give you the answers right in your face to the question: Where am I really losing it?
Making New Goals or Habits
Now that you know the areas to focus on:
Then you get to make a decision. Do I want to do more in that area to make that better?
If yes, you’re going to make some goals or some new habits around those areas. This is one option.
Get into Maintenance Mode
Another option you have is to pull back and go into maintenance mode when life gets stressful or when major things happen.
Those are all things that happen quickly and can be unexpected. Even if you knew it was going to happen because a big project, renovation or surgery was planned, it is still something that can make you feel overwhelmed.
Life gets stressful, but you need to know what you have to do to get into maintenance mode. What do you do when life gets crazy? Here are some examples:
In maintenance mode, you can also think of doing/not doing these things:
You need to know which areas of your life you can dial back on: which solutions you can bring in to make that area easier. Maybe get a house cleaner that week just to help you out. Maybe you bring on someone to help you in your business that week.
When life is crazy, ask yourself, “What are the basics of what I need right now?”
I call that maintenance mode. Rather than you trying to fulfill all 10 areas and be perfect and amazing in all of your life, you really get to dial back in those certain areas. You could focus on just the top 4 priorities.
When my son broke his femur, there were definitely a lot of things that I had to do in order to go into maintenance mode. I've seen this in clients when they were on a leave of absence or mat leave, then the company wants them to come back to work full time. The problem is if they didn’t they would lose their job. All of a sudden, they're back in a full time career, but also trying to manage everything they managed before.
Just go into maintenance mode. Use the tool of the Wheel of Life to really see where things are at, and then have a little grace with yourself. We fall back into patterns because they were easy or for some reason, they supported us before. But you have now either leveled up your life and who you are, and you don't want to undo the good work you have done.
If you already have a really great morning routine, you already have a really great health routine, or you already have really great relationships, you don't want to undo those by going back to those bad habits.
Use your self-awareness. Go into maintenance mode so you can stay on track and figure out an easy plan. Write down all the things you are not satisfied with. Then once you are feeling less overwhelmed, put a plan in place where one by one, you can start to get back into the swing of things.
If you’d like to go through the Wheel of Life you have 2 options:
Read my other blogs here:
1. Using GOOD Habits to Achieve Your Goals
2. How successful women replace BAD habits with GOOD Ones
3. 10 Honestly GOOD habits to have
Are you feeling tired and that you can't work like you used to do when you were younger?
There is a common problem that I hear from my clients. It’s an issue that affects female leaders, female business owners, and probably lots of men as well.
I was coaching with a group of clients in my She’s Goaled Program. We were reviewing how their goals went that month.
One of them said that she felt she wasn’t getting everything done because she wasn’t at her optimum level of health:
I'm guessing you've had those moments, too. Maybe even today! But the next thing she said was, “I have to remember what my age is and not work like I’m 20 years old again.”
What it comes down to is how you want your lifestyle and your every day to look like. This is especially true if you're in control of your own time and is important even if you work a nine to five.
It’s not about age. It’s not about your life before kids. It's about how you want to live your life right now.
Answer these questions as the person you are, not even thinking about age. Think about what you want and what you want your life to look like.
If you're tired, try asking yourself: What’s the cause?
I had one client who had so much vacation time banked at her company that she basically could take a whole year off! She was a great employee, but she was working herself into the ground.
I asked her, “What do you want?” She said she just wants to work less. She was working 80 hours a week. She wants to have a bigger impact in the work she does, but she also needs to rest. She said she wants to be able to take her time off and doesn’t feel she can.
She knew she needed to take it, but she worried. She felt like she couldn't have the same impact that she wanted to have if she was to take time off. Surprisingly, since she also worked so much she worried she wouldn’t know what to do with her free time.
If you run a business, maybe you think you can't have the results you want if you take some time off. I'm not saying take a whole month off, but if you want to that's totally doable because that's actually what this client of mine did.
Not only that, but she continued to take every single August off moving forward. She also took a personal day every so often. It was a day for herself where she would just book a day off with no major plans and just wake up that day and think:
If you're at a place where you're feeling like you don't like how things are, you can't handle what you used to handle, or you wish things were different, STOP. Take a moment. Really ask yourself:
It's not about comparing to how life was in the past. It's about getting super clear about how you want life to be right now.
What do you want to accomplish, what goals do you want to have, and what priorities are in your life? Basically, it comes down to three words: Design your life.
You can actually do that. A lot of times people just go with the default or they settle for what's happening in their life. Or they take options that are presented to them.
If you want to balance your life better then I’ve got you covered.
For the upcoming Black Friday, I’m offering the Ultimate Success Toolkit which contains tools that can help you reach your goals and surpass the feeling of being tired, busy, and overwhelmed!
Grab your toolkit here.
Are you feeling a little out of control of your life right now?
Michael Altshuler once said, “The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.”
It got me thinking, how many people are really the pilot of the course of their lives?
Who is really choosing the destination that you’re going to? And how are you going to get there?
What does it mean to be the pilot of your life? It means:
Do you feel that you are in control of your life right now? That you are really the one in the pilot's seat to get you there?
There are many times in our lives when we feel a little out of control. We feel like we are not the ones who are really charting the course for where we're going. You may be in one of these situations:
Are you in any of these situations?
I want to give you full kudos. You are such a loving person to be able to give up what you want to do for others. But it's hard to not be in the pilot's seat if you want to be. It's hard to let life or others make your decisions for you when you have your own desires.
If you have had to make a really hard, selfless decision to support a partner, a family member, or a parent, I applaud you. Reading this might not be the right step for you, but it gives you an idea of what you can do to feel in control of the other areas of your life.
You may just be feeling out of control for some reason (like COVID-19) and it’s making you feel like you can't chart your own course. What if you're in the midst of trying to gain back control, but until you complete something, do something, or a certain time comes, you're held back?
Getting back into your pilot’s seat
I've got a few tips, tricks, and a few philosophies around how you can get back into being in the pilot's seat. As a coach, I find that one of the hardest questions that I ask people is, “What do you want?"
That simple question, though, of “What do you want?” isn't so simple.
We then go through the process of looking at all 10 areas of life and figuring out what would make you feel the most fulfilled and happy.
If you want to be the pilot of your life, you need to be able to answer the question, “What do you want?” And not just answer it but answer it with confidence and with passion.
What do you want in each of those 10 areas? With your:
Then, we determine what are your top three goals that you want to be focusing on right now.
“What do you want?” and “What are the top things that you want to be focusing on?” will really get you to where your destination is. If you want to be the pilot of your life, you need to know where you're going. That's how you get back in control.
A lot of times, we are living our lives according to other people's agendas. The agenda of your boss, spouse, family, kids, and maybe even of society.
With Michael's quote, “the bad news is time flies.” Therefore, if you want to gain back control, today is the day. Figure out what you want, and then you need to make a plan to get there.
It could be time to have some difficult conversations with others:
You have permission to take back the pilot's seat… to be the pilot of your plane.
It doesn't mean you don't honor anybody else or their wants. It means that you get to fly your course, too. You have permission to have clarity on what you want, the confidence to go for your goals and to get into action.
The next piece is, who do you need to be in order to get there. Do you have to be organized, creative, confident, outspoken, determined, persistent, resilient? There are so many different ways of being. It's not just the “doing” that's important. It's the “being” side that helps you to get there.
What type of pilot do you want to be?
There have been times in my life where I looked around, and I thought, “Wow, I didn't necessarily pick this job. It just kind of found me. It was offered to me. I knew someone who knew someone who was offering a job, and now I have the job.”
Then I look around and I think, “Wow, I'm hanging out with these people. I'm friends with these people.” But again, I didn't necessarily choose them. They were connected to a job, my kids, or they were in a club I was in.
I wonder, in your life, how much of your life is by your own design? Or how much is just based on circumstance, convenience, or settling?
I'm not saying just because you happen to get a job or you happen to meet people and hang out with them, that you're settling. But it's a question to ask yourself. If you want to be in the pilot's seat and if you want to be able to chart the course of where you're going, you need to be honest about where you're at. If you could, Would you choose your career again? Your friends again? Your situation again?
So once you know where you're going, you know your top three goals. You know how you need to redesign with other people and you know who you need to be. It's time to take action. Make a full plan.
What's the first step? And then after that? And then what comes next? What do you need to learn? Who do you need to bring on board to help you to get where you're going?
Are you now thinking, “Oh, man, I don't want to be the pilot. I want to be the passenger. I just want someone to take me through this.”
Whether you want to be the pilot or a passenger or not. If you don't feel like you're getting the right answers, or you have the clarity but you’re not getting into action or you lack the confidence around it, let's have a conversation.
Reach out to me firstname.lastname@example.org. I really want you to be able to be in the pilot's seat of your life because, as Michael says, time flies. Can you really miss another day?
Read my other blogs here:
1. How is Overthinking Affecting you?
2. 4 crucial questions about your life path
3. The Power of Baby Steps
I have a confession, and it has to do with being an impostor.
Michelle Obama felt like an impostor. It all comes down to a psychological condition called “Imposter Syndrome.” According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one's abilities, or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one's ongoing success.
It's the truth. There are so many people who are feeling like impostors. So many powerful women have felt like impostors or currently feel like an impostor.
Do you feel like an impostor?
Let me share my personal experience.
Many times in my career and in my life, I have felt like I didn't belong. I have felt that I wasn’t good enough. It often came from me and the worst was when other people told me that I didn’t belong.
When I was a young girl, about 11, I was really succeeding and leading the way in soccer. I was noticed for my ability by an indoor soccer boys team that invited me to come and play with them. I was excited because this was going to be a higher level of challenge for me. I was honored to be invited.
When I showed up there, I worried, “Oh, my goodness, I have to step up to this level. Can I?”
*insert imposter syndrome*
I see a gym full of boys and soccer balls and we start practicing. When we get into pair work, no one wants to do the drills with me! I really started to feel like I didn't belong. That I wasn’t wanted there.
Maybe you felt this way at some point in your life. You weren't allowed to be there. People didn't want you there or maybe you just weren't good enough to be there, so you self-sabotage your way out of being there.
Because I was young and I still had a little bit of naive confidence, even though they didn't want to pair with me, I thought, “Okay, well, I'm still here, so I'm still gonna practice.” In the end, the coach had to put his son with me because no one would pair up with me.
I heard the murmurs. Maybe you have heard them too. Maybe it was the truth. Maybe it wasn't the truth.
Sadly, we murmur to ourselves the most, judging ourselves, doubting ourselves THE MOST.
Have you heard these? Have you felt these?
What happened for me was a lesson and maybe a lesson for the boys, who knows. The coach sat everyone down and said, “The reason why Diane is here is because she's a really good player.”
Nothing. No reaction. They didn't care. Then, the next comment was, “You should be glad she is here because she's going to help us do well.” Again, for their benefit. They didn't care. But the last comment was a little bit of a poke to them. He said, “And to be honest, she’s probably better than most of you here.”
Well, saying to a group that you’re better than them is a way to not belong. But hey, at least I knew that the coach wanted me to be there.
How many times in your life and in your business have you got to that place of these questions?
Women and Imposter Syndrome
The sad thing is imposter syndrome is probably holding you back. It has held me back. Now, where does Michelle Obama come in here? Well, former US First Lady Michelle Obama was speaking to some girls and she urged them to resist imposter syndrome.
Why did she say that? Because she felt it on the way up the ladder, as Barack was going up, what happened? She felt like she had to fight men for power. She had to prove herself all the time.
Until we as women step up into who we were meant to be, until we are unapologetically ourselves, until we really take ownership of the amazing things that we have done, we can suffer from impostor syndrome.
There are many negative problems that come from imposter syndrome:
The Stark difference between Men and Women
A Business Insider study said that men and women view success differently. Men believe that success comes from their innate skills and talents. Women believe that their success comes from luck and help from others. If our success comes from luck and help from others, no wonder we feel like impostors because we are saying that the only reason why we succeed is because someone helped us. So we aren’t the lead of our own success.
I don't know how many times the clients I work with reach a level of success, win an award, and they still think that they only got there because of other people. Maybe they got there with some help from other people, but not completely.
If you run a team yourself, you are the one to lead them to greatness. Yes, you could have great people on your team to take ownership and celebrate the things that you did.
The other thing that is going to happen is how are we ever going to be paid equally to men if we don't own that we actually belong at that level. There was another study that I read. It said something like, a woman feels she needs 80% and above qualifications for a role or a position before she'll apply.
Sometimes it even takes the urging of a mentor or someone else in the company in order to get her to go for it. This also includes my clients who were speakers. They don't go for certain projects, engagements, keynotes, and conferences because they feel like they're not good enough.
So not getting paid the same, not going for opportunities that are the same.
The other thing is, how are we ever going to have more women in high-up leadership positions if we continue to feel like we're an imposter. Now, it's one thing to think, “Oh, I'm slightly under where I need to be” and that's fine, but it's another to limit yourself.
In that same study that I read where a woman feels she needs 80% and above qualifications for a role or a position before she'll apply, it's only 20% for men. If a man has 20% of the qualifications for that role, that position, that engagement, that board spot, whatever it may be, he only needs 20% of the skills to say to himself, “I'm going to step into that.”
Now, this is a complete blanket generalization. I get that. But it was a fact that I read. And I see it play out over and over and over and over and over in my female clients, in the women in my Dynamic Women® Community, even in the successful women that I interview on my Dynamic Women® Podcast, the women in my collaborative books, they still feel like impostors.
It often comes from a limiting belief.
The number one limiting belief according to the research Brene Brown is, “I am not enough.” This is basically feeling like you are an impostor.
Thai happens no matter your level of success because every time you push yourself to the next limit, you move yourself out of your comfort zone. I do this all the time, maybe you do too. Then I have that second... that moment of “Am I really meant to be here? Have I really deserved this position?”
Do you know what I changed it to? Absolute immense gratitude.
I'm constantly presented with the option of choosing impostor syndrome every time I push you out of my boundaries, and the same goes for you. When you level up, you have that moment where you’re going to feel like an impostor. But you also have the chance to choose gratitude. You also have the chance to create the most magnificent plan to step into that next level and to feel more confident there. BUT:
So if you ever feel like an impostor or if you feel like you're an impostor in one or more areas of your life, I'm telling you, it's okay. It's totally okay. It's about boosting your confidence so that you can own that position. That you can be there and be your most brilliant self.
You and I are not really impostors. We're just holding ourselves back, but not anymore...
P.S. You can still get the Confidence Fast Start! It’s a box full of experiential items that can help you build confidence!
Whether you're just starting out in your industry or you've been in it for many years and are quite established, how you make a name for yourself is important.
Last week, my blog was about making a name for yourself at work. That blog is great for those of you who have a nine-to-five or working for someone else.
While there are many, many ways you can make a name for yourself in your industry, I'm going to focus on five specific ones that I really like. They are ones I have done myself when I was getting started in my industry, things that I continue to do today, and strategies I share with my clients.
You’ll love that they are actions you can do, no matter how much time, energy, or your skill level. In some capacity, you can do each and every one of these five activities.
First: Be Active in Your Industry
This means attending industry specific events and being in online communities. You can speak up in those. When you go to meetings, events, and conferences in your industry, make yourself known. That means working the room, chatting with people, and connecting with others.
Online that means giving great support, help, advice, or your two cents on whatever the topic may be or sharing resources with other people in your industry. In this way, ideally you're doing it in a way that doesn’t just shine a light on you, but supports other people.
When I started networking as a coach, I attended a lot of different events. I was really trying to find out where my community was and which one was going to serve me best. I didn't necessarily go to a lot of industry-specific ones just for coaches, just for speakers, or just for podcasters.
I had moved here from Ontario so I didn't have any network in the business market here, so I went to general networking events at first. What's interesting is that even though I was new and hadn't been around for very long attending these events, people got to know me quickly.
What I found was that by just being consistent in attending, I was meeting the same people, meeting similar people, and connecting with them over and over again. I was building relationships, I was building connections. I was building a name for myself to the point where people would say, “Wow, Diane, you're everywhere.”
Sometimes just showing up (not even being the speaker, a presenter, or an expert at that event), and being pleasant to others is all it takes to really make a name for yourself.
Second: Speak at the Industry Events
Check on the organization, association, and conferences website and see if they have a monthly event with a speaker. You can apply to be the speaker, put it in an application, or just see what the call for speakers is for that particular event. When you speak at that industry and you share your knowledge, you share your expertise, you share tangible content people can apply or would be happy to have the resources, then you start to make a name for yourself because you're positioning yourself as the expert.
Also what happens is in your industry, you’re getting a promotion from an organization, association, or conference that already is speaking to your industry. Whether you're in marketing, podcasting, sales, or whatever it may be, being the one on the stage already makes a name for yourself.
Plus when they promote you, even if people don't attend the event, they see that they trust you and think you're capable. They might read your bio and read the outline of what you're going to speak on. I've received speaking engagements just from speaking at an event that the person hiring me wasn't even at. They just saw the information online.
When you're speaking at an event, teaching an event, or whatever it may be, the cool thing is, it already shows that trust has been placed in you and your expertise.
Third: Be a Published Author
If you don't want to write a book, maybe you can be published in:
Think: What are the leading publications in my industry and how do I get on those?
Now, I'm not saying strategically that you want to be in all of them or that it even makes sense for whatever your goals are. But it is an opportunity to make a name for yourself because when people see that you're published, it means there's some confidence in your ability and in your ideas, your research, in how you teach, or in how you train.
It increases your credibility and positions you as an expert. That's how you want to be seen, especially if those in your industry start referring to your materials, whether that be your published materials, or when you were speaking at industry events. Having them refer to your work or think about the materials that you taught them is huge for making a name for yourself in your industry.
Could you imagine if a university or college that is in your industry started using your book as their textbook for one of their courses or even as a book club by someone else in your industry? Putting focus and shining the light on the work you do definitely create a name for yourself.
Fourth: Connect with Other Industry Leaders & Offer to Help
Offer to shine a light on what they're doing. Offer to connect them with someone. Showing up with an opportunity to share with them and to help them to connect them with someone is really going to get yourself far in your industry, especially when they're already the leader in the industry. That's showing respect and honor. You should always really show up to try and serve those that you connect with. But this way, those in your industry could very well become spokespeople for you. They could share about the connection that you had together.
If someone in your industry is launching a book, buy their book. Then when you receive their book, take a picture of it and put it online. What better thing to do for someone else than to promote and share the work that they are very passionate about.
Another action you can take is reaching out to the industry leaders. You can offer to interview them if you have a podcast or if you have a newsletter or a magazine or a blog, something where you can get the word out about them. If you interview them, then you get to know them in the process. Plus, you're promoting them. That's going to help build connections and get your name out there.
Fifth: Collaborate, Joint venture, & Affiliate with Others
When you work together on a project or you offer to support another person on their project, that is definitely a win-win. It's how you make a name for yourself. If you were to begin as an affiliate by sharing someone else's program, share someone else's book launch, or if you were to collaborate on a launch, you build a relationship and your name gets associated with them.
As long as they're a person of good character and you want to be associated with them, then it really is a great way to make a name for yourself.
When I started out, I jumped into a book to be a co-author on a project and it was a really cool experience. I learned so much plus I was able to connect with a lot of new people and make a name for myself by connecting with the person who put the book out. Now, I love that I get to use my platform to promote the stories and the secrets of other women in the Dynamic Women Secrets Series.
This photo shows me and some of the women who collaborated for the Dynamic Women Success Secrets book during our launch party!
First, we did the Dynamic Women Success Secrets book then the Dynamic Women Confidence Secrets book. With both of these, we have almost 100 women who are part of the process and part of promoting each other in the book. Everytime we sell a copy of the book, we're carrying the stories, secrets and the bio of other women and that is such a great way to make a name for yourself in your industry and other industries as well. And we are now working on the third one called Dynamic Women Trailblazer Secrets.
Think about how you can collaborate, joint venture, or affiliate with other people in your industry. Strategy-wise this might not be the best for everyone, if you have the exact same target market and you're offering the exact same thing, it might not be the best strategy for you.
Or it might be a fabulous strategy for you. You really have to look at this idea for making a name for yourself and the other four ideas, and just really work it into your marketing and your strategic plan for your business.
There are so many other ways that you can make a name for yourself. These are just five of them. Other things you could do are:
Do you have other ideas? I'd love to hear them in the comments.
Have you ever wondered how to stand out at work or how to make yourself noticeable to get a promotion?
This came from a conversation I was having with a professional whose company was overtaken by another company. They were bought out. They went from a company with around 50 employees to now in the 1000s.
She had some valid questions:
(Or for my entrepreneurs, These ideas can still apply to you. Ask yourself, “How can I be chosen out of all of my competitors?” Stay tuned for my next blog where I will specifically cover this for you.)
Here are five specific steps that you can do right now no matter where you are in your company and no matter what level you’re at.
Even if you’re not in a company, you can still think about:
And with every topic I cover, you can always think about how you can apply these to other areas of life.
First: Align Yourself with the Company’s Values, Mission, and Culture
If you are about to be bought out by another company or even if you are working for the same company, you have to think about:
If you can align yourself with that, it’s going to help you to stand out. When you have your next meeting, performance review and even in an interview, plan how you’ll share this alignment. Have examples or stories of your ideas, experiences, and actions to prove that you're in alignment with them, especially in casual conversations that happen, it's going to help you to make a name for yourself.
Second: Connect with Others
Whether you know every person in your company or not, this is an opportunity to reach out and get to know them or maintain and nurture that relationship. How do you do that?
There are so many different platforms that companies are on like Slack or you have another in-house messenger system. Shoot them a short voicemail or a short video or even just reach out and just say, “Hey, how's it going?”
If you don't know each other well, why not do a virtual coffee? Especially with Zoom and people being in their own homes, you get to learn a little bit more about them than you maybe normally would if you were talking in the office, workspace, or staff room.
Get to know them. Ask questions like:
I know these are basic questions, but when you get to know these things about them, then you can easily refer back to it the following week. You could say:
There are so many things you can talk about just based on you asking one question the week before or the last time you saw them. It might help to even write it down especially if you're going to be meeting a lot of new people. Write down one interesting fact about them. Then when you see them next time, follow up with that.
The cool thing is, in them sharing something about themselves, you can then acknowledge them. If you get to know them on a personal basis, acknowledge them for who they're being like:
Whatever it may be, you can do a very simple acknowledgment. You can use this formula:
“You are a” + “an adjective” + title
For example: You are a wonderful mother.
You can also compliment them. It can be simple or on a more professional basis:
Whatever it may be, you can compliment them on how they were doing in the job or how they were performing:
You can compliment them on who they were being like:
You can give people an acknowledgment or a compliment. There are so many different ways and versions of it and it can be personal or professional. You have two choices.
Third: Speak Up
You don't need to be the boss. You don't need to be the one that is going to dominate the conversation, but you should at least say something in meetings. Come up with ideas and share them.
When you have that opportunity to present something or even ask a question, do it. You need to have a voice to the name and the email. You need to have people see you when they normally just see your name up on a board somewhere.
If you're feeling like there's not really an opportunity for you to add ideas you can just add in one of these:
That shows interest. That shows that you care to know that what you’ve heard is right. If you don't have anything else to say, you can at least ask a question or provide a statement.
Fourth: Be Yourself
There can be many employees in a company and many people in your industry, so that everyone can start to blend into one another, especially for anyone that has a specific uniform that you have to wear. But:
Just be yourself so that you stand out in your uniqueness.
Fifth: Make Yourself More Recognizable
I don't know how many times I finally got to meet in-person someone I had only emailed with or spoken to on the phone and I was thinking, “Oh, I thought they’d look like this or thought they’d look like that.” People can be more connected to you when they know what you look like. In your emails, can you put an image of yourself so that you're recognizable when they see you?
When you jump on the meetings, get on video. I don't know how many times I've been on calls and people are not on video. They don't even have a photo when they're not on video, so it just says their name on a black screen. That’s not very memorable.
Get on video. Have people see you. Even if you're not the one speaking, be on video, to be smiling, nodding, looking thoughtful as if you're really listening, that goes a long way for someone who's presenting as a speaker.
I know I notice that. I was at a little meet and greet event the other week and one of the other women, as everyone was introducing themselves, was smiling and nodding and showing that she was really listening. That prompted me to reach out to her in a private message through the chat function of Zoom.
I told her something like, “Hey, who are you? You are doing such a good job smiling and nodding at people. I love it. Congratulations.” What started up as our own little conversation ended up having a virtual coffee date. She was making herself not just recognizable, but she was standing out as a good person.
When you go to a meeting or an event and you have a question or comment to make, start by saying your name. Don't assume that people know your name or know your department. You could say:
Let people know who you are. Say your name and say what you're working on or something just to connect people if they don't already know.
Those are the five ways that you can make a name for yourself in your company or industry. Most of them are focusing on great ideas for being an employee. However, if you are a business owner, you work for yourself, or in a different capacity and you want to make yourself known in the industry that you work in, then stay tuned in next week. This is exactly what I am going to cover. I'm going to share some of the tactics that I use as well.
Read more of my blogs here:
1. Stand out from your competitors... without it feeling hard or overwhelming
2. The Price We Pay for our Decisions
3. Stop Being Vanilla
“How are you?”
We always say it, but did you know that you could be using this simple greeting in the wrong way?
It may seem simple, but the question “How are you?” “How you doin’?” “How you goin’?” can be taken the wrong way. It can be used in the wrong fashion.
I didn't really put too much weight on this in the past. I know that people ask this question and use it as a greeting. Our common answers to this question are:
Then, we ask the other person the same question and they give a quick response. After that, it’s over and done with.
But how often have you actually asked other people the deeper question of “How are you really doing?” or “How are you actually doing?”
So often, we just use it as a greeting, and then we're on our way. We don't actually stand there and wait for the FULL response. We don't notice when there are inconsistencies with how someone is appearing: how they’re acting, their voice, their tone, the inflection, and the way their body language is speaking something completely different.
Have you ever noticed the time when you've said to someone, “How are you doing?” And they answer, “Oh, okay.” Then, you feel there's something deeper here. “I'm okay or “I'm good” isn't actually how they're feeling, but you don’t ask for more.
Why don’t you? We’ve all been there. Maybe you don't have time to find out how they really feel, or you don’t want to pry or it makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re just not that close to them.
How many times have you been asked this simple question, and you've given a quick “Good” or “Okay” but really deep down, you were hurting or there was more to that “I'm okay.” But you weren't ready to stop them from just being a greeting and to say more about how you're actually feeling.
This came to light when I was in an “after convention hangout”, and some of my colleagues were having a lot of light conversations. There were a lot of jokes, reminiscing, talking about what we learned, and sharing our goals.
Then there was a pause and someone asked one of the attendees, “How are you?” She opened up and shared that she’s actually not doing okay and she’s not doing fine, the truth came out. The truth of how:
We welcomed her honesty. It gave her the space to share. I know I could relate. At the time, I was dealing with my father's death, and I didn't feel like myself.
If you were to ask me right now how I am doing, I'm going to give you the real answer. I'd say I'm starting to feel more like myself. But if you'd asked me a few months ago, I probably would have said, “Well, I'm okay. I'm fine.”
But if you asked me how I'm really doing, and paused to hear, I would have told you, “I'm struggling.” I would have told you grief sucks. This colleague of ours had the courage to share more and had the courage to go into the truth of how she really was feeling.
It was nice for her to have that space for us to listen to her. Do you know what flowed after that? The truth. The truth of how everyone else was doing. No one had to keep up appearances anymore.
More people shared about
We had the ultimate sharing. What it came down to was someone asking her, “How are you really?” and being there to hear the answer.
It makes me wonder how many of the people around you or me are not doing well. But we don't ask them in a way that's not a greeting.
I wonder if hundreds of thousands of years ago people used the expression, “How are you?”
Maybe people used it to find out how others are doing rather than just to spark a conversation with your neighbor. Maybe as you were cutting down a tree, or plowing a field, or bartering and exchanging goods, you actually had a conversation. You knew each other so well that you would share more.
But in today's world, the way things are, we're Zooming with people across the world. We're jumping into networking events and conferences online. We're rushing from here to there. And the greeting of “How are you” just stays at that. It becomes a rhetorical question. It doesn't really even matter what people say because are we really listening?
This is what my colleague brought forward. She said people ask her all the time how she's doing, but do they really want to know the full answer? She didn’t think so.
I wonder how long this colleague of mine felt unheard, but also how much of it is our responsibility to be able to say, “Hey, I really want to tell you how I'm doing. I'm ready to tell you now.”
A little while later in true Canadian style, she apologized to the group for dumping it on them. I private messaged her, “Don't ever apologize for speaking the truth of where you're at.”
If we encourage people to keep their true feelings inside, imagine what will happen. This is when it becomes too much, unbearable. If people are struggling, if they are having negative feelings or a hard time in life, then they need to not walk the journey alone. But how do they know who they can talk to if we don't ask them in a way where we stand there and we wait for the response?
I'm not judging because I constantly do a quick “Hey, how's it going?” to people as I catch them in the mall or walking down the street or at the school playground, especially now in the days where we have to stay so separated by 2 metres or when we're on Zoom meetings and everybody's listening. That's using the quick “Hey, how's it going?” as a greeting because there are too many people in the room to get an actual response.
But how about if we just took a little bit more notice… lingered a little bit longer after asking the question… checked for consistency, congruence between what their body and their look, their appearance, their tone, their intonation is telling you compared to the words they actually used.
If they say “I'm fine” or “I'm good,” then don't be afraid to follow up with them with:
Sometimes we just need that door to open to be able to share more of our feelings and of what is going on in our lives. How many times have we opened the door for others? I get that you're not going to do this with the waitress or a cashier. You're going to say your greeting, and maybe when they say they're good, you're going to say, “Well, I hope you continue to have a good day.” Maybe we extend the conversation a little bit beyond.
If you haven't seen a friend for a while, why not reach out and ask how they are really doing. Rather than just a text, an email, or a message in some other capacity, why don't you get on the phone and really ask? Have a conversation.
If you yourself feel like people are just asking you this rhetorical question, and they don't really care about the answer then take responsibility for it. Tell people you need them to listen. Say, “Thank you for asking. I'm actually not doing really well” if that's the truth about where you are. Choose the right people you want to do that with so that you have a safe space to share more and so they can then support you.
If we remain quiet and we don’t share with others how it's going, no one will be able to step up and help. You don’t have to walk this alone. There are many people out there who can help. Maybe not people in your current life, maybe not people you know, but there are people on call lines. There are people at churches. There are people who are trained to support you like counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and coaches. There are people out there that can support you beyond “How are you?”
As you go into the world, I encourage you, if you're going to do a greeting of “How are you?” that's fine. Just look for those inconsistencies. When you have the time or create the time, linger a little longer to look for the true answer and if you sense that the person is not fine or not good, and there's a little bit more underneath:
Or remind them that you're there to support them if they ever need it. If everyone did this, COVID would be a little bit easier to deal with. Life would be a little bit easier to get through. We'd all know that we weren't alone in this crazy world.
Are you not getting the results you really want? Are you not happy with the speed to get those results?
When you’re going towards your goal, you put in time, resources, and energy. Maybe in your business, you're trying some different marketing efforts. Then you realize that you’re not getting the return on investment that you’re looking for. Or you think you’ve got this goal that you want to reach, but you’re just not quite getting there fast enough.
One of the most common errors I see is that people are not investing in the right areas. I don't mean the right area of life or the right area of their business. It really boils down to three things:
One of these three things is the real reason why you have an obstacle. All obstacles stopping you from achieving your goal, getting the results that you want and having you feeling stuck come from either mindset, skillset, or network.
Answering these questions will help you choose which of the three areas you need to invest in and focus on. When I use the words “invest in”, I don't mean that you're investing in a business, like you're giving them $100,000 in capital or you're investing in a real estate property, or you're investing in stocks and bonds. However, the same kind of rules apply. If you put in so much money, then you should be getting back more than what you invested. It should have an ROI, return on investment. Spending money means that it's gone. It disappears. But when you're investing in something, you're looking to get a higher return. It's not just investing your money, it's also investing your time and investing your energy.
Let’s see if your problems are part of your mindset, skillset, or network.
Mindset really helps you to feel like you can go for it and feel like you can achieve it. Mindset examples are:
When you have a top mindset, when you're really playing at that higher level:
I was playing soccer the other day, and there was a 50/50 ball between my team's player and their team's player. As they came up, their player hesitated to jump in to get that free ball. In that split second, her mindset threw her off. Her mindset caused her to hesitate and her mindset caused her to lose the ball. My teammate got it.
So I ask you now, how is your mindset inhibiting your business and your life? Where is it holding you back? Where is it stopping you from feeling like you can achieve things?
When we don't feel like we can achieve something, it might cause perfectionism. Where we just keep going over and over and over something and tweaking and perfecting but we never actually finish. Our mindset makes us procrastinate because we don't believe we can do it, so we avoid it and we do other things rather than actually pushing forward and trying it out.
The sad thing is, when you hesitate, someone else is going to pick up that
They are going to have that opportunity because their mindset is on point. When you think of Olympic sprinters, their physical ability in running is only fractions of seconds from each other. Their ability to go from being an Olympian to being a gold medalist and the Silver and Bronze is so close. Most of that comes down to mindset training.
How is your mindset holding you back?
Ask yourself these questions:
When I started my business, I didn't know how to offer from stage. I didn't know how to build programs. I didn't know how to even coach. So I had to invest in training, mentors, and coaches to be able to boost these.
I'm sure if you've had a business or you work in a business or even in your career, you've had some form of training or some form of skills taught to you so that you're able to take on new or more difficult tasks.
If you're going towards something new in your business, something that's the next level, or even in your life, you need to have that special skill set. You need to invest in the training/education, mentors, and coaches to be able to do that.
If that's the piece that's holding you back, if that's the piece that has you stuck, let me tell you:
If you feel like a specific skill set is where you're lacking, you don't have the right skills or the right talents to move you forward, like
Then there are places you can go. This is where you need to invest your time, energy and money to upgrade or master a skill.
This can happen over time or you can be really good at it and have your network grow pretty quickly. Your network is the people you serve. It's the people you know. It's the people you can offer to, and those who surround you, like mentors, coaches, colleagues who push you forward.
The truth is with no platform or network, your success will be slower, and it will take more energy. It's much easier with other people as your fans and connections. With the right people, you can leverage their network in order to push your business forward.
You don't have to be a lone wolf. AND you don't have to be Superwoman. I know we're trying to do all these things ourselves or we're trying to have a lean startup, but leveraging your network is so smart. Even if you don't have the money, maybe you have the time. You could trade. You could barter with other people. You could do an hour for hour swap with someone who has something that you want and/or you have a skill or talent that they want.
I'm part of CAPS or the Canadian Association of Professional Speakers. I was speaking with someone who is producing the networking content for our convention this year. She wanted to talk to me because she says I'm the queen of networking, which made me laugh and also really felt good to hear.
It made me think well, what is it that makes me the queen of networking?
It's collaborators. It's joint venture partners. It’s affiliates. All three add so much to your network. When we started talking about the different CAPS networking and breakouts that they were going to do between the educational and keynote sessions, I got quite excited. I was thinking that this is going to be so cool. It’s going to be a really great opportunity to expand my network and for all the attendees to be able to expand their networks as well.
When you expand your network, so much more can happen and it will happen much faster. So answer this, how can you expand your network by investing time, energy, and money into it?
What You Can Do
If you’re not where you want to be, it is because you're lacking one of the three areas: mindset, skillset or network. Which is the one you need to focus on right now? Maybe you're honest and think, “Oh, Diane, it's all three.” Well, it doesn't have to be all three. You can just pick one right now. Pick the one that makes the most sense.
Once you pick the area that you want to focus on, then ask yourself: What do I have an abundance of? Is it time, energy, or money? Then invest that into that area.
Options for Mindset
Options for Skillset
Options for Network
Your best investment in life and in business is not always in things like cars, houses, stocks, bonds, or items you want. I know that there will be financial advisors that will tell you to invest in those things. Yes, you need to. But I’ve found that not enough attention is put on investing in your mindset, your skill set, and your network. When you do, you can get a higher return. These are areas that cannot be taken from you. Lastly, the only way to be able to hit your goals is by investing in yourself.
So which one do you want to work on right now? Is it mindset, skill set, or your network? Which one needs to take top priority right now?
In my previous blog, I shared how my Facebook profile got deleted and how I gained back control to my Facebook groups and Facebook page. Now let me share more about my experience PLUS the steps I followed when I rebuilt my new profile.
More specifically, I'm going to talk about the ins and outs of Facebook profile deletion. I’ll share how to protect yourself now, so you don't get booted off, lose your precious images and videos, and how to keep your business pages running. Also, even if you get deleted, how to gain back control of groups and the steps I put in place that saved me. And what I now know about rebuilding a profile plus the silver lining of this whole experience. And yes, there is one.
Photos and Videos on Facebook
Did I lose all of my images and videos? Yep, I did. 15 years worth at least. That many photos and videos as well as that many friends. I probably had about 4000 friends. The idea of having to find all those friends again, it's overwhelming. At least one business page and most of my groups were still there. That was helpful.
There are steps that you can take on your personal profile to protect it a little bit more. After finishing this blog, go to the bottom, open up your Facebook account and follow along to the steps.
What did I actually do?
I got a completely new account. Remember, when you create a new account, you can’t use any of the emails that were linked to the account that was disabled. Facebook won't let you. Thankfully, I had another Gmail account that I could use. You might have to end up making a new one.
In making my new account, I made sure to be starting to add in some personal information (e.g. civil status, school, etc.). The kind of stuff that you'd hope hackers or scammers wouldn't know. I wanted to make sure that people were adding me as a friend, even though they probably like we're already friends. Here are a few steps that I did to make sure that people knew it was me:
With this process, I started getting friends added and then Facebook would suggest friends, which was awesome. Do you know Marie Kondo? She’s a home organizer who says to look at an item and then ask yourself, “Does this spark joy?” I kind of feel like I was Marie Kondo-ing my Facebook friends. I was like, Yes I want to accept that person because they bring me joy, but this other person's super negative, confrontational, or just post some crazy stuff.
I now get to choose who I am friends with, which is really great. Maybe you would enjoy that part of it as well. I'm at just over 1000 friends now, and I'm working my way up.
What I kept hearing from people was they weren’t sure if it was me. They asked if it was a real or a fake account. To confirm, what I did was I sent voicemails back to them to say that it was me.
The Silver Lining
The silver lining is I've reconnected with a bunch of people that I haven't talked to for a long time. Now in my Facebook feed, I'm seeing the people I know, and I'm seeing more of the people I really like. I’m also seeing more of my clients’ content and their lives, which is a wonderful thing.
I've covered a lot in this blog as well as the previous ones… the things that you should be doing to back up your information. Remember, you're playing by Facebook's rules. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. You just have to be respectful of that.
If you are doing business on your personal profile, it might be time to stop or at least have a backup of everything. Now, please know that also every single message, photo, comment, or post that I had on my page, on other people's pages, on my profile and on other people's profiles as well as in groups all disappeared.
Be aware that it will happen. It's like I never existed. I got completely wiped in my personal profile off of Facebook.
Business-wise, remember that if you have a group with a bunch of people in it and you lose that group, if you don't have the email addresses of those people, you will lose those connections. If you're using Facebook for business, like me having 21,000 people follow me or like me on Facebook business page means nothing if I don't have their email because if that got shut down completely, if I lost everything, then I would lose all of the connections to those people.
Be aware that there are some strategies you need to put in place to make sure you bring your connection on Facebook into the email world.
I could have been angry with Facebook and spent time trying to track someone down to talk to, but my feeling is like, just move on. See the silver lining in it. It did suck. There's a lot of hours that I had to put into just getting back on my feet with my Facebook profile.
Compared to some of the things that have happened like COVID, having speaking engagements canceled, not being able to go anywhere in the summer, my father passing away, just all kinds of crazy stuff, losing my personal profile on Facebook doesn't matter as much as other things in life.
Think about that. If you ever have something happen to you, in the big picture, does it really matter? If everyone's still healthy and happy, then it's okay. Things can be rebuilt. I do believe sometimes that negative things happen to me so that I can share them with my clients and with my community. That includes you. Thank you for being one of my readers.
P.S. Add me on Facebook! I have so much room for new friends now: Diane Rolston. You can also join the Dynamic Women Global Community.
Read my other blogs here:
1. How my Facebook profile got deleted and what I did to take back control (Part 1)
2. How to Direct Message on Social Media Without Being Salesy
3. Hacks to Save Time with Your Social Media Posting
Steps to Protect Yourself, Your Content and Your Account:
a. In “General,” go to “Memorialization Settings”. This means when you pass away or something happens to you, you can have someone else be able to go in your Facebook and take care of it. So choose your person.
b. “Security and Login”:
c. Go to “Your Facebook Information”.
Another way to do this is to go to a website that's free called If This Then That (IFTTT). Here, you can set up what they call a recipe. For example, every time you post on your Facebook, IFTTT can save a copy in your Dropbox folder. You want to make sure that you have your information backed up.
Do you fear losing everything on Facebook?
At this time, many people use Facebook for the following:
And a whole lot more! But what if one day, you lost it all?
Because I did. My Facebook personal profile was disabled! I had to create a new one, recover my pages and groups, and rebuild my profile.
How it happened
It was an early morning, and I went to jump on my phone and just do a quick check of a few things on my Facebook. It was weird because Facebook was asking me to log in. I don't have to log in usually because I just have it set up where I'm always logged in on my phone.
That was the first alarm that something was wrong. When I went to log in, it actually told me “Your account has been disabled.” I quickly clicked through and tried to find a place where I could talk to someone about it. But you see, that's not so easy to do.
There was an option where I could have them review my account or what was going on to hopefully reactivate my account. I went through the procedures of putting in my email address. I even took a picture of my driver's license and uploaded it, thinking that in a few hours, days or maybe even a few weeks, I'd eventually get a response, plead my case, and get my account back.
Instead, I got a red message instantly. It said, “This account cannot be reactivated because you have violated Facebook community rules.”
I have no idea what that means. I don't know what I did:
People have warned, “Don't do business on your personal profile.” I thought about the things I have shared recently. I shared an event about the Canadian Association of Professional Speakers that I am a part of. I also did a call out for different types of people in different industries so I could connect with them. That's it. That's all I could think about.
I ask you, what are you doing on your personal profile that could possibly get you into trouble? Facebook has a 55-page long list of rules. I haven't really read them all myself. Basically, it comes down to this: when you're in someone else's sandbox or establishment, they have the right to remove you. I guess they have a right to not tell you why either.
My Facebook pages and Facebook Groups
While my personal Facebook profile was deleted, some of my groups and my main business page “Life Coach Diane” was still active. That was great because I have around 21,000 people liking or following that page. But my “Dynamic Women” page one was not.
I was relieved at that and relieved that I still had my Facebook groups. However, I didn't have control of them!
Here’s what I previously did that helped me keep my one Facebook page and most of my Facebook groups.
For your Facebook pages: Have someone you trust to be the admin
Make a team member, employee, social media manager, or even your partner or friend an admin on your page, as well as on your groups. That's probably why I was able to keep some of my groups and pages. I had my assistant as an admin on them. It was fabulous because all she had to do was go into my “Life Coach Diane” page and suggest that I become the admin. Then BOOM I was back in charge!
One of the women in my community told me to have multiple admins AND to check the admin status every six days. Why? Because if someone hacked in and added themselves as a new admin, after seven days of being on your account, they can delete or remove any other admins.
Imagine someone sneakily coming onto your page, hacking in and controlling your groups, and then one day, all of a sudden, you're not the admin of the group. Then your assistant or your team members are not running the group anymore. It's just this person who is now basically taken over your page, and try proving to Facebook that it is really yours.
We're both admins again AND I didn't lose my 21,000 followers there.
For your Facebook Groups: Make sure you have another admin or a backup
Now as for my groups, it was quite interesting. In my groups, I had my assistant who was an admin to add me back in. She then made me admin of the groups.
Now some of the groups that I found, I didn't have her as admin because it was just my clients. I had to ask my clients to let me in again, and then I had to go into the member’s page and see who was admin to add me as one.
Sadly, on some of them, there was no admin. So the admin was up for grabs. If you're running a group with a whole bunch of people, (maybe not just your clients) it can be scary to think that when you are kicked off Facebook someone else could just step in and take over the group.
You want to make sure that even in some of your more private groups that you have someone else as admin, even if it is a friend or another account that you have created, just make sure you have a backup. This is how I was able to keep my business page running, even though my personal profile got deleted. That's also how I was able to gain back control of my groups.
It was those steps that I put in place that saved me. Go check your Facebook account and make sure you have someone else as the admin or multiple people as admin for your groups and your pages. That way, you will be able to gain back control if you ever get kicked off Facebook.
In my next blog, I will share more tips on how you can protect your Facebook account and how I rebuilt my profile.
Read more of my related blogs here:
Get Goaled! Coaching Mastermind
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