How to Stop Settling (Part 2)
In my last blog, I shared with you what settling is.
Today, I’ll share with you the 3-step process I teach my clients to help them to NOT settle. This process can help you help YOURSELF to move out of settling. If you’ve been on one of my programs like the Million Dollar Woman, Dynamic You, or you’ve coached with me, you know I share this process.
The First Piece: Clarity
You need to be really clear on what you want and really clear on what you need. Then, the harder part is to be really clear on what's IDEAL.
When I do this in the Dynamic Balance Program, it is eye-opening. People realize:
This is often how the dream of writing a book is born or the dream of traveling the world or the dream of building the business and bringing more people on their team happens.
I love the Les Brown quote that says, “You can't see the picture when you're in the frame.” That's so true. You can't always get the clarity by yourself.
You may ask yourself:
But the answers might not flow fully because you're in the “frame”. You can't see the full picture. You can't ask yourself the questions that need to be asked.
The trouble with clarity is that for all the times you've pushed down that little voice or extinguished that spark, it gets harder to connect to the answer.
One of the hardest questions to answer is “What do you want?”, especially as women because we put everyone else first. We focus on other people's needs. If there's time, energy, or money left for us, then it's our time. But before that, it almost always goes to other people.
When we're making decisions for ourselves, we may worry about what others think. Or even worse, we don’t feel like we're worthy or we're not good enough because it feels uncomfortable to spend extra time, energy, or money on ourselves.
In getting clarity, you need someone else in order to see it. You need to ask about what you want, what you need, and what you desire in the ideal. Not the reality because the reality could be where you settle.
I was talking to a friend of mine, and she was telling me about her daughter who just got an entry-level job at a grocery store. And when she was done with school, she wanted to be a veterinarian. What's really interesting is that with COVID, her dream faded. Instead she said she’ll just keep working at the grocery store and move up the ranks.
This just broke my heart to think of this young girl who had a big, yet realistic dream. They were just extinguished. She was settling. I'm not saying that working at a grocery store and moving up the ranks is a bad career choice. But she had an ideal choice for herself. She was settling. This was also a concern of her mom. These are the steps that I would suggest she take and you take as well if you're in this place of “I just don't know what to do.”
The Second Piece: Confidence
A lot of times, it's the confidence to speak up:
Speaking up is very important because once you get the clarity on what you want, what you need, and what the ideal is, you have to tell people. That's why in the Dynamic You Program, I talk a lot about designing relationships. I also talk about the Pillar of confidence and being able to speak up about these things.
A lot of times just in speaking up, doing that simple act, and having someone else witness you say it, is enough to get the ball rolling. You've been witnessed and the truth is out.
I chose those three examples -- speaking up in your marriage, career, and family -- because I have watched clients this year have to speak up in all areas. Also speaking up with friends, when you’re not okay with something they did and you let them know.
This is how you don’t settle, and it's also how you help others to step up, how you help to strengthen relationships, and how you can potentially save and make relationships stronger.
The Third Piece: Action
Now, if you’ve got CLARITY on what you need or desire in your life and you have the CONFIDENCE to tell others what it is, then you have to take ACTION.
If you don’t take action, that’s the biggest way to completely shut down any possible voice or spirit in you that is going to move you forward. You have to take action.
Taking action in your health.
Maybe you're settling in your health, and you're feeling like you haven’t done anything in a long time and you can’t seem to move anymore or you have gained 20-30 pounds. That is how you are settling in your health.
If you had CLARITY that you want to lose some weight or be able to move easier, and you have the confidence to commit to it, then you need to TAKE ACTION.
The action doesn't have to be 150% crazy. You don't have to sign up for a triathlon. Maybe you can commit to walking 20 minutes a day. Maybe you can commit to throwing out the junk food. You have to do the action to reinforce the confidence.
Even if you only have a little bit of confidence to speak up or a little bit of confidence to get going, as soon as you take action, it's going to solidify that confidence and grow it.
Taking action in your home.
Maybe you got clarity on wanting a renovation. Maybe you got clarity on wanting to move. Maybe you got clarity and wanted to do something in your front or backyard. Great! And you have the confidence to speak up about it and get some money together… then take action on it. Make a plan. Commit to it. Hire people.
Taking action in your business.
I don't know how many times I've met people, and every year I met them, they say that they’re writing a book. I get curious, “When are you going to be done with this book?”
If you need accountability for action, then get the support. Hire a coach. Otherwise, it's going to be so easy to just slip back into being comfortable settling for less.
I know you want to stop settling. I know there's a part of you that also feels increasingly scared or nervous or fearful of taking the leap and failing. Taking the leap and it not fully working. Taking the leap and maybe losing someone in your life.
But you know what's worse? Settling for less and hearing the inner voice niggling at you every day. Do you know what else is worse? Getting to a point where you say yes, but it's just too late. You don't have the opportunity anymore.
Do you know what else is sad? Getting close to the end of your life and realizing, “I'm never going to be able to do that and I should have made that decision years and years ago. I should have at least tried.”
I've had clients who said they think they’re settling in their career. We searched for a new career, and they were stressed and it was affecting their health. It was affecting so many things. Then they came to a place of “Yes, I need to do this” but then they didn't do it. It was because they were too afraid to give up their lifestyle or too afraid of disappointing others, too afraid of not making it, or too afraid of success and what it could do to them. Can you relate?
I have now shared the 3 pieces to focus on. But what I hope for you is that you just start with the question of “Am I truly happy?”
Then go back through the questions of getting clarity, confidence, and getting into action. Because once you have that, all you need to do is take one step. Just one step.
I really want to honor all of the clients who have not settled, who have been courageous, who have taken the leap and who have worked with me. They didn't settle in their lives so they could get to that place of, “Wow, I am living the life I was meant to live.”
I want that for you as well. If you want to have a conversation about it, email me at my personal email firstname.lastname@example.org. Let’s talk about how I can help you not settle and coach you in the other areas of your life.
Read my other blogs here:
1. Why do we go back to our old patterns or habits?
2. How I Made $18k in a Few Hours
3. Should You STOP Doing Things That Scare You?
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