How to Stop Settling (Part 1)
If you’re feeling stuck in the same place or that you've given up on some of your goals, then read on.
I'm very blessed to have such amazing female business leaders as clients. Even though they can be really successful, there have been many times in my over a decade of coaching hundreds of women, where they figure out that they’re not happy in a certain area of their life or they’ve been settling.
Satisfaction or Settling?
A woman came to me for coaching so she could build a new business. She already had a business that was doing quite well and wanted to add on. In our very first coaching session, she realized that her new business venture wasn't a viable business, but what she was already doing was really good!
The real reason she wanted to step into the new venture was because it felt exciting, wonderful, and a new opportunity. While her business was doing well, we uncovered other aspects of her life where she felt that she was settling and the NEW business was a bandaid infusing more happiness. With some focused questions, it became clear she wanted a new studio space.
In this first step, we focused on how she could get a bigger, and brighter studio space that she’d love. So she up-leveled her space.
But what happens when we up-level one part of our lives, is that we want to uplevel other parts. It's kind of like when you renovate one part of your house or even if you just repaint or update a little bit with some cushions, you then look at other spaces in your house and realize you want to renovate that space, too. It’s like dominoes throughout your house.
This is what happens when we finally focus on a place that we've been settling in. The cool thing was that after she had the confidence of up-leveling and not settling anymore in her business and the space that she worked in, she started looking at other areas of her life. We looked at her life piece by piece to design what was ideal.
She realized she was not happy with her apartment anymore. She wanted a better one in a more convenient location. You know what she did? She up-leveled her apartment.
She looked at her relationships, mainly her love interest. She thought she’s not happy and that she’s only settling. She then moved on from her boyfriend.
This is what happens. When you have the courage to change one area of your life, you won’t settle anymore. Then you’ll get into the joy of really stepping it up and the confidence to be able to make changes increases.
This was just one example of someone who moved really quickly with coaching. In around 30 days: she had a new studio, a new apartment, and said goodbye to her boyfriend.
This is possible. I'm not saying you have to move this fast as it’s not the case for everyone. But it can happen quicker when you get clear on where you're settling and then you start making some steps towards not settling anymore.
What Does Settling Mean?
Let's talk about settling. Often it means that we're being ok with less than ideal:
For example, if you settle for less in your relationships, it may be because…
But you're settling for less because that person is not the right fit for you. Just like if you were settling for less in your career.
When they realize that they're settling for less, it usually comes from a place of not feeling happy. There's a little voice in their head that says:
Or it’s a very loud screaming voice that's like:
The loud voice, the small voice, eventually, what happens is, if we don't listen to these voices, they either get louder and more persistent or they end up just giving up. That fire we had for our dream or for some need that we had, eventually, becomes a small flame. Without focusing on it, hearing it, acknowledging it, we will eventually extinguish the spark.
Can you relate in some way? It’s like living in black and white or like Groundhog Day all the time.
If you're settling in your career, there's no joy there. There's no growth. Every Sunday night, there's the dread of going to work on Monday morning.
If you're settling in your marriage or in another relationship, like one with a friend, and you have desire for more, but you’re settling, you’ll tell yourself, “This is good enough, and I'm okay here.”
But the key questions to ask yourself are:
“Am I unhappy?”
Then ask yourself, “Am I truly happy?”
Now what you need to watch out for is, you might not be unhappy, but you might not be happy.
That's a very bad place to be in because it's neutral. It's like, all feeling has been lost. If there's no negative feeling, but there's no positive feeling, there's just nothing there. It's a void, and you're probably pretending to be happy. You're keeping up appearances. But again, you're extinguishing the part inside of you that wants things to be different.
So I ask you now, do you have the courage to speak out loud whatever it is that you want?
Do you have the courage to speak it out loud? Is there someone you can tell? Then once you say it, do you have the courage to leap or to go for it?
Over the past year, I've been supporting clients to make really great leaps and to be able to move past some places where they felt they were settling: I had a client that is selling her home, jumping into an RV and traveling around. What an exciting opportunity. She had the courage to leap.
I have other clients who are working on their relationships and being honest about where they're at. Whether that means staying together and figuring it out or divorce. They had the courage to speak it out loud. Another client said that she felt it was a leap to invest in coaching for herself and it was an amazing decision she made.
This might have opened up some questions for you or the desire to move forward and not settle. Let’s chat. You can reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org to have a chat. Then in my next blog, I will share with you the 3-step process I teach my clients to help them NOT settle.
Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be a business leader and a parent at the same time? Or is this your current reality?
Being a business owner and a parent can be so stressful. Today, I’ll share with you what my experience has been and how I ended up birthing a business and a baby at the exact same time.
I actually was in a nine to five in my career when I was looking to build a business. I was doing my coaching certification and was getting ready to launch my business. What I didn't know is that even in the first segment of me getting my coaching certification, I would start to coach clients.
I started my business before I had left my career, which is often a great thing to do. It's like a “bridge job” that helps to support you financially while you're building your business.
Now, not everyone can or wants to do it and that’s totally fine. But I decided that I would use my maternity leave as an opportunity to fully launch my business. That might sound absolutely crazy, but it made sense for me.
People said, “You can't focus on your business when you have a baby. You’re going to have no time.” In one respect, that’s right. But in the other respect, I wasn’t at my 9-5 anymore, so my responsibility was less - I just had to be creative and flexible.
While I was coaching and running my business part-time while pregnant I ended up birthing a business and a baby at the exact same time in December 2011. I took about three weeks off from coaching clients. It was definitely a stretch, but it worked for me.
I knew I’d have to split up my workday, an hour here and two hours there while she slept where I could work. Then an hour here and two hours there, where I am focusing on my baby. I’d coach when my husband was home, or when I had baby coverage. I never returned to that job (just had it as a plan B). Three years later as I was growing my business, I realized it was time to grow my family, so we then had our son.
Now we have a seven-year-old and a ten-year-old, and I'm the primary caregiver because my husband works early or he works late. His shifts are all over the place. Since I work from home and schedule my own time, I'm the constant one for my family and the one who organizes the kids, the house, and everything else.
Being Pulled in Two Directions
Being a parent and a CEO is a constant personal pull between wanting to be at home and making grilled cheese sandwiches and wanting to go and build your empire. (The same can be true for working parents.) At least that's what I have experienced. I want to have both things. I want to be out there attending events, and flying around to speaking and coaching engagements. But I also wanted to be home watching my kids' baseball games or being the one there for their first words and their first steps.
Freedom to Choose
It's my decision that I travel for work, and that's fine. But also having my own business has allowed me to have the freedom to be at home. So that one year on that leave, it was amazing:
But in that 1st year since I was a business owner, I also had to pull away sometimes and go coach clients or attend a networking event. I'd have to find kid coverage and I’d miss out. That reality was a lot harder for me than it was for the women who were in a career and got a real full year off.
But the benefit is, when you have a business, you don't have to actually go straight back to work after that one year off. Having my own business has allowed me the freedom to be at home to be with my kids, and also to travel back and forth from BC to my hometown in Ontario to see my family, which was very important for me. You see, I didn't grow up with grandparents (they were in England) and so it was really important for me to be able to have my kids grow up with the grandparents.
Not only does becoming a parent really change you and change your business, but as a woman, it's also obvious that when you're increasing the size of your family, the amount of work that you have also increases.
Side note: if you have children, don't compare yourself to other people who don't have children or other people who are in a very different situation from you. I know many coaches who don't have children, and they have so much more time. Also don't compare yourself to someone who has kids, but has a nanny and has support so they can do more.
I Kept My Second Pregnancy a Secret
During my second pregnancy, I was doing a big launch of one of my new programs. I'll tell you a secret. I chose not to share about my pregnancy publicly. For five months, it was a secret. I was leading Dynamic Women events, I was seeing clients, I didn't tell anyone except my close circle that I was pregnant until I was five months along. Now, why would I do this?
Well, as a female business owner, I didn't want my potential clients to think that I couldn't do a great job serving them. I don’t want them to think:
On the flip side that, maybe they felt like they were burdening me:
So I waited until I couldn't hide it anymore.
You Need Support
The best thing I have done to be a really successful business owner and a kind of successful Mom (I'll be honest, I'm not winning at being a mom most days) is bringing a team to support me:
That's also what I have to do because I don't have family here. So what if my meals aren't always lavish and if my laundry isn't always folded? I've let go of that perfectionism a long time ago.
If you are going to be balancing these two high-priority, high needs, high energy, high demand things, then you need to be able to let some things go. My kids know I love them, and I'm not always present. I'll be honest, I'm not. While they may not always understand, and they may think that I’m always gone or always working, what they don't know is that other parents are…
This doesn’t make career parents bad parents, it’s pretty normal and they have other people in place to take care of these things.
What I hope for my family and what I hope for you and your children is that they're seeing their mom live their passion every day. Children should see their parents really love what they do and not settle. I hope you're able to play this lovely teeter-totter of putting your time and energy into both being a parent and being a business owner.
You are doing your absolute best at both. There will be days when one feels too hard, where you don't have success, where you maybe feel like you're a failure at both. There are many times that I've had those moments of frustration, “Wow, I am a crappy mom and a crappy business owner.” But I wouldn't change it for the world because I'm sure there would be times where I'd be a crappy career woman and a crappy mom.
I Choose this Hard
They're both hard. They're all hard. Being a parent in itself is hard. AND I'm going to pick this hard. But I want you to know… keep it going! You’ve got this! Do your best! Live Your Passion! Don't settle! Don't beat yourself up. Instead, know that what you're doing in the world is important. It's valuable, so just keep going and stay dynamic!
Why do you love being an entrepreneur? Let's get real about this.
No matter if I asked my Dynamic Women Community members, clients or audience members, the answer most often was… FREEDOM.
Many entrepreneurs say that freedom is the reason why they do what they do. But is that the truth?
Yes they can have freedom by having their own business. But what I uncover when we look deeper underneath is that they love to make their own decisions. Do you agree?
There are so many different pieces that you have the freedom to decide, and I'm going to share the Top Freedoms of Choice BUT ALSO the things to watch out for, so you don’t get hurt!
Number One: You have the FREEDOM to Choose YOUR Office Hours
If you're an entrepreneur, you get to choose when you work. You get to choose when you show up and when you finish your day. But what I often see in my clients is there are absolutely no boundaries. Have you felt that before? You feel like you’re working all the time.
Maybe you're working into the night, on the weekends, or on a holiday. Maybe you have clients reaching out to you in the evenings or during your off hours.
In order for you to really master being able to choose your own office hours, you need to set boundaries. Here are a few ways to do that:
Number Two: You have the FREEDOM to Decide Who You Work With
You get to decide the people you want to serve, and the clients/customers you want to be your target market. But the problem here is that a lot of times entrepreneurs want to serve everyone. In trying to serve everyone, you serve no one. Your marketing efforts are confusing and divided resulting in poor sales.
The main way to get around this is to just make sure you're super clear on your niche. I like to think of it like if I'm preparing for a blog, or a podcast then I sit there and I think, “Who is that woman reading the blog? Who is that woman who has earbuds in her ears and she's listening to me? What’s going on in her mind? What does she want and what is she struggling with?”
But what about all of the clients who could use your product or service? It’s ok. Stay in the abundance mindset, do not feel desperate or in scarcity wherein which could cause you to take anyone. Yes, you have the freedom to choose who you work with, but when you’re super clear then you will attract your ideal clients and you can be the master of that target market.
Number Three: You have the FREEDOM to Choose Who You Collaborate With
You get to decide who you collaborate with. In my book Dynamic You program and book, I share 16 different ways you can collaborate professionally and personally.
This might be:
But the key thing is, in partnerships and affiliates, not everything will work out. You may think they're a good person, and this won't get messed up. But you really need to have a clear plan for what you’re working on.
Not only that, you need to design the relationship of how you're going to work together. I talked about that quite a bit in my Dynamic You program and book. In designing a relationship, you really need to talk over your different needs and wants:
Even if it’s a personal project, or your gym accountability partners, design it like a business partnership. Imagine if you were going into business together, what are all the items that need to be discussed and agreed on. It doesn’t always have to be formal with a contract and lawyers, but it has to be really clear what each of you are bringing to the table, the roles and responsibilities, the timeline, etc.
You can choose who you want to collaborate with, but you really want to make sure that it's a good person and that it works out really well.
Number Four: You have the FREEDOM to Decide What You Offer
It could be products, services, programs, courses, or whatever it may be. You get to decide that. That's really amazing. But what I often see in clients is that they want to offer everything to everyone. You really got to pare down to go back to being clear about who you want to work with and what is the main thing that they need that they want to purchase. Then make an offerings calendar and a marketing calendar to go alongside it so that you know exactly in the year when you're offering certain products, services, and then you're going to be able to really market and sell it in the right way.
You have the ability to make all the decisions. Don’t let the freedom overwhelm or paralyze you. Go with what gives you energy and profits.
Number Five: You have the FREEDOM to Choose When You Have Time Off
Last week I chose to take time off this week because I have been sick. Also, my kids and hubby were home too which is also why it’s better to take time off. We get to choose when we have time off and when we travel.
This was really critical for me with wanting to live in BC but my parents being in Ontario. I wanted my kids to grow up with grandparents because I never did - they were in England.
When we first moved here and I was able to start my business it gave me the freedom to choose when I have time off, so I was flying home twice a year. Then in having children, we were flying home three times a year. Then when my dad got diagnosed with cancer, we were flying home four times a year. I was building the travel calendar into my business. Plus, since I was serving clients when I arrived in my hometown, the travel expenses were a tax write off.
We get to choose as entrepreneurs when we have time off. But the problem I see is people don't always take it. People just work themselves to the bone, working 80 to 90 hours a week, and they never take any time off.
The key thing here is just to put your vacation time in your calendar first. Not just think, “Oh, I'm going to take two weeks off this year”. Actually block off the vacation time, also include, “Me days”. Days for you. Days where you have no responsibility. Days where you wake up and decide what you want to do:
It's crucial to your business that you take time off, so you're rejuvenated and can show up in the best way possible. But if you want to be an entrepreneur, and you want the freedom to choose when you take time off, the key thing is you just have to take it.
Those are the five really crucial things to think about regarding your freedom. I see the 5 problems with freedom in women all the time and in my Dynamic Women Community. We have the freedom to decide these aspects. It’s also a responsibility and a priority for us to get super clear on each and to implement them in the best way possible. This will help us to have the true freedom we desire. Otherwise, we're basically just getting a job that doesn't give us enough of the freedom rewards that we really want to have.
Enjoy your freedom, entrepreneur! Choose wisely!
Read my other blogs:
1. How Being The Best Can Boost Your Business
2. Is Your Business Taking Over Your Life?
3. Baby Steps in Business and Life?
Have you been thinking that…
There may be something stopping you from getting ahead quickly and it’s making you feel overwhelmed.
This topic has been sparked by a multitude of areas that I have seen and worked in where I'm noticing how many women are doing it all themselves. This is not going to get into the topic of delegating -thought important. Instead, I want to highlight that if you're working by yourself in your business or in your career, you can start to feel like you're on an island all by yourself.
COVID-19 only made this worse because many of us are working from home or if we're at the office, we're in a limited capacity. There's not a lot of people. Plus, there's restricted interaction where normally you'd be hanging out by the water cooler and having a chat or you would be having big board meetings or you'd be going to see clients and customers.
For those entrepreneurs, you'd be at events, trainings, and masterminds. It came up again when I was brought in to speak at a conference for administrators. They talked about flying solo, and I gave them the image of a goose flying by itself. That's kind of a weird thing to see since you don’t normally see that in nature. More likely you see them flying in a V.
The reason why they fly together in that V is because of synergy:
There’s so much to learn from nature and it shows us how we really need to be. When I shared this at the conference, a lot of them said, “Yeah, I feel like I'm on an island all by myself.”
Isn't that sad? With how connected we are in the world, with all the social media platforms, with phones, the internet, and email we feel alone. All these options we have, including Zoom and the podcasts that you're listening to. People feel like they're on an island by themselves.
Maybe you want to answer this question that I asked them, “What's stopping you from getting ahead quickly and not being overwhelmed or lonely?”
You may think that you’re ok because…
But how many of these people are truly invested in you in these ways?
If you don't have that, then it could be what's holding you back.
Many times with clients of mine who are running their own businesses or they're in a high-level position in a company, they come to me because they're missing that ability to brainstorm ideas with someone else. I often do that either in a one-on-one setting with them or I bring them into a group mastermind program like She's Goaled.
But it’s virtual and more impactful to have the consistency of the same people or the same person that's:
That's what helps you get ahead.
That's what ensures you’re not overwhelmed because they're going to help you break things down into smaller, more manageable steps.
They're going to help to really combat any of those limiting beliefs that pop up and rear their ugly heads and hold you back.
Being on an island all by yourself is lonely. When you're lonely, that can get you into depression or deflate your confidence. When you're feeling like you're all alone, motivation, focus and belief in yourself can disappear.
You may think, “Wow, that's a lot of negative things that can happen. It won’t happen to me.” But it can slowly happen over time and you might not notice it. Like a bank of a river being slowly eroded away.
You might start feeling these things:
Have any of those symptoms popped up for you?
If you're not surrounded by people who are providing support and camaraderie for you, then it's time to find those people. I encouraged the group of admins to have five people. Five people where they know they can call on them
If you don't have those five, today's the day to start. If you only have one or none, that's okay. Start by thinking about:
Then look to who can help you achieve that. I’ll speak the hard truth though…not everyone will be as committed as you and people can let you down.
But there is a solution. If you…
Then I invite you to join the She’s Goaled Coaching Mastermind Program. The doors are open. We have a few spots in that program that are now available.
This program has been called the speed course to reach your goals. What I've found is that the bonds that are made in this program between the different people are huge. Confidence increases and since everyone is following a proven process success is guaranteed.
I've seen some of the women in the program go from, ‘I don't know if I can do this” to a little bit of a badass, and their confidence has soared. Their self efficacy is cemented in. They are ready to take on new and bigger goals.
I love how at the start of our meetings when I asked, “What's a success you've had recently?” I hear such amazing answers:
There are so many great things that happen in this community. These women definitely don't feel like they're on islands by themselves. Nothing is stopping them from getting ahead quickly and they're not overwhelmed.
I encourage you to go to the following to choose which of the three packages is best for you. http://www.dianerolston.com/shes-goaled-coaching-mastermind.html
And when you reach your goals quickly you’ll be able to have more time freedom, more financial success and more of what you want most in life.
Read my other blogs here:
1. How to NOT be Tired, Busy, and Overwhelmed
2. Stop Juggling everything! Tips to help you avoid overwhelm
3. Is Your Business Taking Over Your Life?
Get Goaled! Coaching Mastermind
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