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Is work your default? Are you realizing you don't really have a lot of free time or you're not prioritizing it? In this blog, we’ll talk about how you can spend time doing the things you love.  When you can’t do what you love I love playing soccer. I have played soccer since my parents put me in as a little kid. I'm 43 now, and I still play. However, there have been times over the past couple of years when I haven't been able to play. On separate occasions, I…
The pain from those injuries also came back a few times which hindered me from playing. It wasn't until I wasn't able to do it that I realized how much I love playing soccer. There are times I can't play because I'm away or I'm doing work stuff, but that's understandable. But it's when I want to play and I can't play that I realize the sadness of not doing what I love.
Why doing what you love matters Doing what you love gives you energy. It puts you in a resonant state where you're driven, you're pulled forward, and you're excited. It also gives you joy. But when we just work all the time we miss out on these benefits. Even if your work gives you joy, that's not the only area of life meant to satisfy you - there are nine others! What I see so often in successful, high-achieving, driven women is we give up or we reduce the amount of attention certain areas of life get because we are working so much and we are driven by our work. The top areas I see get dropped are health, fun and recreation, and friends. The Hardest Questions to Bring Clarity The hardest question sometimes to answer is, “What do you like to do?" When I used to be an ESL teacher and I was living and working in Japan, one of the first questions my students learned and the 1st question when socializing was, “What are your hobbies?” It was so weird to hear because I thought native English speakers never ask each other that question. Instead, we might say, “What do you like to do?” So what do you like to do? You might answer, “I like to clean”. Definitely not true about me. You might say, “I like to help my clients”, but I'm encouraging you to go to something else that will bring you joy from other areas. Something that grows you and brings you energy. It might be:
Now we're getting into the realm of hobbies and personal activities that bring us joy. Then think about what are the things you LOVE to do:
Those are the things I love to do. But so often our time gets put into the things we don't love or the things we don't even realize we're choosing to spend our time doing. By “spend”, I mean, it's gone. I remember complaining to myself, “I just don't have time to read.” Then I thought, if I added up all the minutes of scrolling on my phone or how many TV shows I watched, I could have read many books. I do love reading. I'm currently listening to Les Brown, Simon Sinek, and Power of Why. I love these different types of books. I yearn for more of it. But the problem is, when we're away from it, we forget what it's like. We forget what we love to do. Another question is “What is something you’d like to do?” Something you haven’t done before. When I asked myself this question a couple of years ago before COVID, I answered African drumming. I also answered dancing. I also answered pottery. These are the things I'd like to do. And the most recent is a Stand Up Comedy Class. Now, get a pen and paper or use your notes app on your phone. Answer the following:
The 3 Ways to Spend More Time Doing What You Love Now how do you find time to do these things? answer these questions:
#1: Plan these things into your schedule If it's not already innate for you to read every day, and you like reading and work is your default or watching TV or scrolling or whatever it may be, then you actually need to write it into your schedule between 7:30 and 8AM or between 8 and 9PM I will read. If you don't, it just gets pushed and pushed and pushed and forgotten. For myself, when I see that plan in my schedule book at a specific time and I’m busy with other things, I then have to make a conscious decision to skip it.  But how many times do we write in our schedule or have our calendar:
NEVER! Now, I'm not saying these are bad things. I'm just saying if you're not doing the things you love because you're doing these other things, maybe it's time to put a plan in your schedule. #2: Make it special Think about how you can make it special and how you can elevate what you're doing so you start to look forward to it.
If you were to write that in your planner it makes it more enticing. You shouldn't have to make it enticing, but the problem is we've moved so far away from fun that it feels foreign or like a guilty pleasure, and we shouldn't do it. But if we plan it, and we make it special, then maybe we will be more persuaded to do it. #3: Commit to others. You will not find me practicing my soccer skills at the local park. However, you will find me training at practice with the team in order to get better at the thing I love. When I did the drumming class, sometimes I didn't want to go because, in the beginning, it was hard. I thought it would be easy and super cool. It was cool, but it was not easy. So I had to commit to being there by paying and also saying I would show up so that I would actually go to get through that first learning hump.  Have you heard your inner voice say:
When you commit to others, you won't back out. When you commit to others, you commit to yourself too. Now it doesn't mean you have to do it with others, just tell people what you're going to do. Maybe you commit to an accountability buddy or to your coach. Again, it seems funny you need to commit to something that you love. But time and time again, work is the default for people. They're not spending their downtime doing what they love which will also bring the passion back and refill their bucket. There are so many holes in our buckets that we can be constantly depleted. Self-care, resting and vacation time can help. But doing things you love is an investment in yourself in really building that foundation of joy and excitement. It's a way for you to stretch and grow yourself as well. In saying this, I'm probably also speaking to myself, right? I need to put the clicker down and not watch so much TV. I need to be more intentional with what I am spending my time on so that I can be investing my time in the things I love. I encourage you to do the same thing. Let me know which of these three steps is going to be the piece that really helps you to invest more time in doing the things you love. Also, let me know in the comments, what are the things you love to do? Because maybe in you sharing it will inspire me or someone else to take up the hobby you have or your favorite activity. Over the past few years, I have lost a few close connections way too early. It just breaks my heart to think of how they or someone else you know worked really really hard and didn't have enough time to enjoy life. Be present, take care of others, and go out and do those things you love. Read my other blogs here:
1. The Six Levels of Shining 2. How You Can Prepare to Make Better Decisions 3. What if We Didn’t Need International Women’s Day? 5 Ways to Raise Women Up
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How do you feel when you first meet someone? Do you hope they like you? In this blog, I’ll talk about how to be liked when you first meet someone. I'm going to give you some tips, tricks, and things I do that can be really helpful.  Why does it matter about being liked? We all want to be liked. Let's look at different situations:
Three ways you to have people like you Here are three ways you can encourage other people or help persuade them to like you when you first meet them. These three tactics can be used in any situation, even maybe in a job interview. 1. Be Curious Be curious. Ask questions so they get to talk about themselves. But don't make it an interrogation and don’t ask questions that are a bit too intense. If you say to someone, “What do you do?” and they tell you, ask a follow-up question. You know that! Probably your mom, someone older or even your dating coach taught you to ask a follow up question. When we’re in that curious mode, it shows we care about the person. When we ask two follow-up questions, it shows we are giving that person time, giving them space, and respecting them. People love to talk about themselves because we're in this time when people are too busy to listen, we text rather than call, and we don’t feel heard.  When you allow someone to talk about themselves, it feels so good for them because they're starved for it. It's funny. I've had some conversations where I don't think I talked at all about myself. I just asked questions and let the person talk, talk, talk. At the end, they were like, “It’s so lovely to meet you. You're such a great person. I really enjoyed our conversation.” Then we went away and I thought, they don't know anything about me because they didn't ask me anything. But that's okay. We had a good conversation. Then the next time, they asked me more. Extra Tip: When someone tells you a story, look for a quality they had. For example, if someone says, “Oh, I was just so excited. The other day, my friend invited me to come over and I noticed that her rosebush was a little bit crazy. I was able to help her trim it in a way that her roses will flourish now and she was so grateful for that.” When you respond, you don't need to ask a question like, “What kind of rose bush” or “How did you trim it?” You can acknowledge something about them by saying something like, “Wow, you're such a kind friend” or “Oh, you must be great at gardening.” Give them a compliment or acknowledge something about them so they feel you have really seen them or even find a value you heard, “Oh, it sounds like helping others is really important to you.” The statement, “It sounds like ______ is important to you” is a really great way for the person to say to themselves, “Whoa, they just saw me. They just heard me. They were paying attention. They get me.” People want others to get them. They like you when you can connect that way. People will often try to one-up them or tell a story that they had, but instead try to reflect back to them what you see in them. 2. Share something that will help them Once you find out what they love, what they're passionate about, or even what problems they face, share something that will help them. It might naturally come to that place. If the person talked about their crazy rosebush and didn't know what to do with it, and you know something about that, then you can say, “Oh, let me send you a video explaining how to do that because I actually know how” or “I'm happy to give you a few tips if you send me a photo of it”. Or maybe you have no clue what to do, but maybe you know someone who does, then you can connect them. Sidenote: I shared that story because I have a crazy rosebush that is actually like a really, really tall tree. If anyone out there knows what I should be doing, please message me because I have no clue. I think it's reaching over the fence trying to get the sun. Share some information to help them. Now if it doesn't get to that point in the conversation, maybe you just offer to share something with them. You might say something like, “I read this really good book the other day, and there was this cool diagram in it.” Then they're like, “Oh, wow, that's really interesting” or “That sounds cool”. You're like, “I'd be happy to share that with you.” Or if it was an article you could share the website link, or if there was an online tool that you know about, you could share that with them. Sharing something with them helps them to like you because not only are you understanding them now, but you're showing how you care enough to help them, especially if you can solve a problem for them. They will like you and remember you. 3. Smile No matter the situation one thing you can do to have someone like you is to smile. Now, I don't mean a creepy smile. I don't mean staring and smiling at someone across the room and making it seem really weird. Most days I walk on the trail by my house and I always smile and say “Hi” or “Good morning”. I noticed that the people I feel like I don't like are the ones who didn't smile back and/or didn't say anything. It's so easy to smile because a lot of times when we meet people for the first time, they feel nervous, or we feel nervous or shy, or we don't know what to say. Even if English is your second language, or you're in a country where you don't speak their language, a smile at least shows that you're friendly. It shows that you're confident. It shows that you're not stuck up and you're approachable.  So smile. Obviously, if it's appropriate, right? If it's a really hard moment, and the person actually was crying or angry, let's not smile at them. These are the three things that you can do: be curious, offer help, and smile. This topic was sparked by my last blog, where I shared 3 tips to appear confident. Which of these three do you think will be most helpful for you? Which of these three do you do already? And which one do you want to do better at? Share them with me in the comments! Read my other blogs:
Have you been dreading going back to live in-person events and feeling that you are not confident?  We were in isolation for such a long time, and now that things are going back to normal - or we’re going into a NEW normal, in-person events are also going back. You might be in one of these two places: either not feeling confident to go back to attending in-person events or you were never confident going to in-person events. (Maybe the same thing happens to you when you’re online and attending virtual events.) Let me share with you three different techniques that I use when I need to feel confident at events when I’m not already feeling it: Technique #1: Stand Tall This may seem simple, and you may think you know this one. But how many times at an event, do you have…
Now, these are all things NOT to do because they're giving that unconscious command to others that you're protecting yourself, you're vulnerable, or you're timid. You may be feeling that way. That's totally fine! But you want to be able to appear confident because I'm guessing these in-person events that you're going to are for networking, to collaborate or connect, or it's just your group of friends that you're around. So how do you do it? Well, you throw your back straight. You put your shoulders up and roll them back. That's going to put you in a great posture. If you're super tall, that's fine that you're tall. Wear high shoes if you want. You need to own your height if you're tall. If you're not tall, this can help you to stand more confidently. Your height doesn't make you confident. It's more about how you hold yourself. When you have your hands at your side, rather than your back, you're also showing a more confident, powerful pose, but still approachable when your body is opened up.  Special Trick 1: When you are feeling a little bit like you're slipping back into your old way of feeling more timid, jump into the bathroom to reset. I recently went to a coaching community event. I wasn’t feeling so confident before going into the event because I didn't know anybody. But I stood up straight, shoulders up, rolled them back and told myself, “I'm going to walk in there like I own the place”. Later on, I was feeling a little bit awkward and I felt hesitant walking up to people in conversations. So I jumped into the bathroom, I kind of gave myself a moment. Then before I stepped out again, I reset my posture again. At any point, you can reset your posture when you stand up, when you move to a new group of people and even in the same moment and situation. Special Trick 2: Do not stand behind a chair when you’re introducing yourself. A lot of people do this, they go right behind the chair and hold the chair as they speak. If anything, just push your chair back and then take up space or step further away from your chair so that everyone can see you. Ideally in a space so people don't have their backs to you. Taking up space shows confidence. Standing tall shows confidence. Putting your hands at your side shows confidence. All of these things are your physical appearance in how you're holding yourself. Technique #2: Think about how you can show up in your best self by having your outfit put together. Whatever that means to you, but the way I see it is:
These can be seen as basic ideas, but are you actually putting intentional thought into your outfit? Is there a way you can take it one step further by putting on some matching accessories? Special Trick: Wear a bright color or a bold pattern jacket. If you're not a color person, then wear a bold pattern or print. You can wear a black and white polka dot dress. What this does is helps you stand out from everyone else. (That is if you want to stand out.) It also makes you memorable because they'll be like, “Oh, that's the person in the polka dot dress or in the yellow jacket.” It's something that people can open up with. When I went to that coaching event, I wore a bright yellow jacket. It forced me to step into my confidence. AND so many times people said, “I love your bright yellow jacket” or “The yellow looks really good on you.” I do the same with pink and blue and bold patterns. It's that opening line for people to say, “I love the color.” Then we start talking. Or they came up to me and said, “I've been noticing your nice bright jacket.” Since you seem like you're someone who stands out and doesn't blend in, they are drawn to come and talk to you because you exude confidence by just being able to wear that bold pattern, bold print or that bright color. That's exactly what happened when I was at that event. Sooooo many people came to talk to me because of my jacket, it gave them an opening line. I knew because they told me, “Wow, you're jacket is so dynamic” or “You're so bright and friendly like the yellow of your jacket.” It was funny how there was such a play on what I was wearing. The key thing is, you don't want to just be your outfit. You don't want to have your outfit get more attention than you and what you're saying. Your words matter more. Who you are matters more. But if it's a way of opening things up and having you be confident, isn’t that a good thing? Technique #3: Choosing positive or upbeat topics to talk about. At the same event I failed miserably on this one. I totally dropped the ball. The reason being, I hit so much traffic on the way over to the event and it stressed me out. The event was actually on a boat, so I was worried I was going to miss them sailing off. I then couldn't find the parking lot they suggested because the parking lot changed names. I then had to download the parking app on my phone as I was running to the boat. It was raining. Oh my goodness, so many things!  Plus I was nervous. I hadn't been to this type of event before. Or at least in many years. I didn't know anyone. So when I showed up, one of the first things I said to the people at the reception desk was, “I couldn't figure out parking. I'm trying to figure out this app.” Blah blah blah! Then when I started chatting with someone I knew and a new connection, the first things out of my mouth were complaints about the traffic, the rain and all the things that happened. Now, what does that say about me? It's setting me up for failure in the very beginning of the conversation:
This is not how I want to start a conversation. I failed in that regard. I'd planned on leaving so much earlier so that I could show up in a positive calm way. What I should have done right before arriving is given myself a head check and helped myself calm down and get over the frustration I was feeling. People often remember the first and last thing you shared, so your first words are important. Special Trick: Know what you're going to say by preparing in advance. Here are some things that you can say. 1. You know that they're going to ask you, “What do you do?” Even if you're at a social event, people ask you that. Know how you're going to answer and have a prepared answer. Think about that as you're driving or going to the event every single time because you have a different audience, different people, or different intentions at that time. 2. You can think about achievements you’ve recently had. Things like:
When people ask you, “How are you doing?” “What's going on with you?” or “What's new?” You can say, “I'm great. I actually was just chatting with someone about this really great opportunity.” This way you can plant seeds into the conversation for things that you're working on and passionate about - rather than complaining about traffic, the rain or missing an opportunity by just saying, “I’m good.” 3. You can also think about a good book that you're reading, or if you're not reading a book currently, open up a book and read a couple of pages, so that you can say, “I've just started reading XYZ book.” 4. Another option is to go online and watch a very interesting TEDTalk or podcast. Not just YouTube, Facebook video, or a cat video, but pick something that is in alignment with your interests or something you want to talk about. Then you can share some of the tidbits that the speaker talked about in order to engage the other person in conversation. 5. Another opportunity is to share a favorite quote. Now that might be a little bit more awkward. But when you're talking about something and say, “Oh, that reminds me of one my favorite quotes, which is Jim Rohn’s quote, “You're the sum of the five people you spend the most time with”. I like to throw these different quotes out with different meanings from different authors or experts in order to connect with what people are saying, and to give them a nugget of information. Which technique are you going to use? Hopefully, all three. Are you going to…
If you do any of them, let me know by leaving a comment. I’d love to hear which one you’ve done or will do and if you got good results. If you have other ideas, share them as well. P.S. Join the Dynamic Women Global Community on Facebook, a community for female business leaders to come together to connect, share, grow, and be inspired. Be up to date with our virtual and live events, networking, coaching, and more. Read my other blogs:
Are you wondering how leaders do it all? How do they balance their lives, businesses, and priorities, but haven't lost their cool? In this blog, I’ll talk about what the top 6% of leaders are focusing on for a balanced life.  What I'm seeing in the world right now is that as female business leaders, either you own your own business or you're in corporate, life is a little bit different than before COVID. As we kind of come out, it's taking a lot more for us to be able to handle the emotional bandwidth. We’re feeling a little bit more anxious and having more stress. In comparison to what we used to be able to do, we can’t handle as much. This is definitely true for me because I used to be at an event every night of the week or hosting multiple events during the week. I was booked back to back to back and I was handling it. I was actually thriving on it. There were so many things I could pack into my schedule. Then I got to this place of “Whoa, I can't handle as much as I used to.” Is this also true for you? Do you feel like you don't have as much capacity to handle as many events, bookings, or meetings as you used to before COVID? We don't have that emotional stamina to make it happen and you're in this place of feeling the stress of it all:
 Then it can also affect your relationships in these ways:
Then when you're with your family or your loved ones, you're not present. Have you ever experienced that? You're with them physically, but you're not with them mentally because you're thinking about the 10, 20, or 30 other things you have to be doing at that moment. Then this can drastically reduce your income and your profits. If you work for a company, it can influence how well you negotiate your pay or a promotion. This may mean you earn less compared to others in your field. Also, it can inhibit your ability to close some of the deals and land clients. On the flip side, if you have a business, then maybe you end up being busy but not productive, you're not doing as well in sales, you're not selling as many products or services and your goals take longer to accomplish. This is why focusing on rebalancing really matters because what I've noticed is a lot of leaders who know where to focus their time, energy and money…
But not everyone is. It's not your fault if you're in this place. It's not your fault because when you’re a really successful woman or smart woman people ask us to take on more. Isn’t the expression, “If you want something done, give it to a busy woman”? We've been pushed to take on a lot of responsibilities. We've been pushed to be superwomen… and now even more… superheroes. We’re not just expected to do our job, business, or career well, but we're expected to do every single other role well. That's a Superwoman. Being a Superhero means you’re not only doing extremely well in your career, and in every other area of life, but you're also saving everyone else in those places, too. It's overwhelming and sets us up for failure. What I’m Seeing I'm seeing that most women feel overwhelmed with all of the leadership podcasts, books, programs, and courses. You name it. There's so much out there. Sometimes it's hard to tell exactly where to start or even worse, it’s not clear what's actually going to give you real leverage or a return on investment. I don't know, there are too many things to choose from. Not only are you stressed and busy with what you have in life, but then when you go to solve it you hit the obstacle of “I can't even choose what the solution might be.” The Solution I have a simple solution I will give you today. You can go check it out and use it to help you know where to focus your time, energy, and money so you can be a leader who feels a bit more balanced. Those top 6% of women, they're clear on what they prioritize so they can actually invest their time, energy, and money on the things that really matter to them, and are going to give them the best ROI (Return on Investment). The problem is if you aren't clear on exactly what your priorities are, then you'll be swayed by shiny objects. You'll be swayed by all of the different offerings put out by different companies. It will leave you feeling stuck in indecision. Sometimes you feel like the duck on the water where you look all calm, but really you’re paddling a lot under the surface. You're working so hard. Or maybe you’re a hamster on a wheel going over and over and over and over again. You're trying to be better for yourself, for your family, and for those around you while also trying to be productive. But you could be like a spinning top, right? You just feel like, “Oh, I'm looking at everything, and I'm doing everything.” I put together this tool by using many different pieces of research. I took what I found in coaching my clients over the past decade. I've done surveys with a lot of successful leaders. I also did some really deep reflection of what had me be balanced before kids, and what had me be balanced after kids. Then with the pandemic, and the extra stress of it all, how we can be balanced now. What I did was I took all of this information on how and where you focus, and I made the balanced leader cheat sheet. The Balanced Leader Cheat Sheet What is this cheat sheet? It's a really simple and easy way to see how to be balanced. With this tool you just check off the boxes when it applies to you and you’ll love how it helps you to identify your specific priorities and areas where you will get the biggest ROI.  Rather than focusing on all 21 areas that are on this cheat sheet, or focusing on everything that everyone else says you need to be doing, you can get a really specific, clear picture of what you need to focus on. Specific to you in who you are right now, at this time in your life with the responsibilities that you have. I encourage you that when you do grab it, you also pay attention very strongly to the “Thank you” page because we will have a chance to do it together. You can totally do it yourself; however, Les Brown says, “When you're in the frame, you can't see the picture”. So it’s better to go through it with me by doing the Balance Leader Blueprint Session. This is where we actually will go through the cheat sheet together so I can help you to understand the 21 areas that are on this cheat sheet. Then you can easily pick the top three or four that are important to you, that would be really good for you to do, that would be your next clear step so that you know where to focus. These 21 items are what top leaders are focusing on and of those 21 you're going to receive a one-page blueprint, when we go through this session together, you're going to be able to know what it is that you need to focus on 1st, 2nd and 3rd. Grab the cheat sheet and share it with a friend, especially if you see that they're a leader, or you see they need to be more balanced. It is such a gift to give them just forward the link and say, “Hey, check this out” or “Go do use this tool.” Those who have gone through this cheat sheet have been so relieved to be able to know “Just these 3 things are the ones I need to focus on now.” It takes away the pressure of all the other things that are weighing on you. So if you want to get off the hamster wheel, stop being a spinning top, know exactly where to focus your energy, so you can have the best return and be a more balanced leader then I encourage you to get the balance leader cheat sheet. Read my other blogs:
No matter what you want, there are five things that can definitely help you move forward and get results with less stress, more ease, and better success. To help you remember it easily, I will call it C-A-T-E-S.  This is one of the main teaching points that I shared during the Dynamic Women in Leadership Summit. How did I know to share it? I asked the women coming to the summit to fill out a survey. There was a question around, “If you could have a VIP day with me, what would you ask? What would you hope I helped you with?” There were so many different questions and so many different things that they wanted to know including the ones below:
Also when I asked about what their goals were and what obstacles hold them back, with every single answer they put there, I knew that C-A-T-E-S could help them. What is C-A-T-E-S? I’ll break it down into 5 parts and as I go through it, think about these questions:
If you realize you have each part in place ask yourself:
If you don't have it, start thinking about how you can get more C-A-T-E-S into your life. When clients come to me or even in my own development, a lot of times we're on our own. We’re silos, the lone wolf, whatever you want to call it. Female business leaders are often alone. We're not meant to be alone. We're meant to be in a flock, in a group, in a community, or in a tribe - just with other people around us to support us. Now I could go on and on and on, but why do we do this? Simple answer. We are so skilled and talented that we believe we can do it ourselves. Plus, we've been totally praised when we do things ourselves, and asking for help shows weakness, but that shouldn't be the case. We move forward so much faster when we get other people to work with us on it. You want to have the synergy of the group, the synergy to move you forward faster, and C-A-T-E-S is going to do that. “C” Stands for Cheerleaders Cheerleaders are people in your corner. People who are telling you, “You're doing a great job.” When you fall down, they're the ones believing you can get back up again. They fan your flame. Sometimes there's only a little spark and they help to keep it going. Other times, it is a bunch of flames and they get into a roaring fire because they are mirroring back to you the amazing person that you are. But cheerleaders also give you the help you need when you fall down. I have had clients come to me and say, “I don't know if I can do this, Diane.” The problem with that worry is when they don’t have cheerleaders in their life, they start to doubt themselves which then shows up in their business situations and transactions. They negotiate for less pay, or they can't close clients because they're not showing up confidently and other people don't believe in them. They don't go for opportunities they would be a good fit for. But when you have a cheerleader, someone in your corner, it's kind of like you're in a boxing ring. You've got that person there saying, “Give a right hook”, “Give a jab”, “Make sure you do this”, and “You've got this”. Then when you're all tuckered out and you come to the corner, they're there to wipe the sweat off your brow… to tend to any wounds you have… to give you a bit of a pep talk because you may feel like giving up at that time. Then they give you a pat on the back and say. “Come on, get back in there” and they continue to support you. That's what cheerleaders are for. Fans. People who believe in you. People who care about you. People who support you in a way that is encouraging and motivational. Now ask yourself, how are the cheerleaders in your life? Do you have enough? Do you want more? Do you want them to be stronger in your life and better for you? “A” Stands for Accountability Now, a lot of people think,
A lot of times, friends will let friends get away with not doing what they're supposed to do. But when you have true accountability, you get the thing done, even if it's at the last minute. Many times I've had clients say, “Wow, if I didn't commit to you and have the accountability, I wouldn't have done it last night.” It's important to have real accountability because otherwise, we often will be uncommitted to ourselves. When you are accountable to someone and you get things done, that also builds confidence. It builds habits and routines until eventually, your actions become a way of life. It's so important to have the right accountability, and someone who will call you out when you don't do what you said you would do.  Sometimes with clients, yes, they choose not to do what they were supposed to do. We find out through talking in the sessions that it was actually a better decision to do a different action or a different step. But they knew they had to make some sort of action in lieu of the one they committed to. You can't be thinking, “Oh, I'm just not going to do it and that's fine.” I take a stand for my clients. I take a stand for their goals, and I call them out when they're not stepping into them. It's not because they're in trouble. It's because I know what they really want. Some of my best sports coaches used to keep me accountable to doing specific drills in my own time, like kicking multiple times over and over and over and over again for posts in rugby, practicing my dribbling skills in soccer, or practicing my left-hand layup in basketball. I only got better because I had the right accountability. Ask yourself, How’s your accountability? Are they actually going to keep you accountable? Are they going to call you out when you don't do it or are they going to let you off? Are you happy with the type of accountability you have or do you need some because you have none? Or do you want to up your accountability? “T” Stands for Teammates Teammates are people who go alongside you, either in a program, in a group coaching situation, or in a mastermind. They are there in the community with you wanting to see you succeed. Teammates make it fun because sometimes one person will inspire you. Other times you'll inspire them. You don't always have to be the one keeping the inspiration and motivation going. Having others around you can also add to the brain power of the group giving fresh ideas. Maybe even referring you to others and a lot of times teammates also take the role of cheerleaders. Do you have teammates in your life? I don't mean sports teammates. I mean, those who would be in a mastermind with you. Something organized with a facilitator. If you have really great teammates:
 You might think, “Oh, I’ve got teammates or people around me. Sometimes my neighbor and I talk business.” Well, how consistent is that? Teammates should be meeting consistently and with a very specific structure to make sure it's fair:
That's why a facilitator or coach is important. Someone who will make sure it's fair all around, and that everyone gets what they need, and what they want. Ask yourself, could your teammates be better? Do you want to switch out the whole lineup? Or do you want to just add a few key players? For me, I have different teammates in different areas of my life. I have teammates for my business. I have teammates for my speaking business. I have teammates for the growth of my business. I have teammates for my spiritual life. Then I have my soccer teammates. How about you? “E” Stands for Experts Experts are crucial if you don't want to work harder, and I'm guessing you don't. What I see in my clients is when they're starting new businesses or when they're looking to grow, there is this place of “I want to grow, but I don't want to spend the money to grow it, so I'm going to try and do it all myself. I'm gonna go to Google and try to figure out how to do XYZ or I'm going to get a program and work through it myself.” But what I've seen time and time again is it's a waste of time and energy, and oftentimes a waste of money. Experts will help you get ahead faster. They'll tell you the exact steps they took. They'll tell you the reasons why so you don't have to learn the hard way. That's also building your experience and your own expertise in whatever process they're teaching you. You can always have experts who are going to do the work for you. Wouldn’t that be nice? So then you get to focus on your core competencies rather than focusing on figuring out how to do things like accounting, graphic design, or building a website. It might even include things like cleaning your house, experts have a very high return on investment or ROI. When you invest in them, it helps you to move forward. It helps you to be bringing in customers, clients, profits, and to reach your goals a lot faster. I encourage you to look at the experts you need in your life (all 10 areas of life). Do you need experts
I could list them all, but I think you get the point that there are experts you could have in every single area of life. If you’re thinking you have experts in your life and you’re always investing in experts, well, ask yourself do you have the right ones? Do you want to level up now? Do you need to bring one in for a new area that you're just starting to grow or develop in? I've been able to move ahead a lot faster and easier because I can tap into experts. I hire them in 3 ways:
It's not that I'm not able to figure it out. It's that I choose to use my time in my core competencies in the income-producing activities that helped me to grow my business. So what experts do you need? “S” Stands for Support Support can take on many different forms. This can be life coaching or counseling. It can be support through grief. It can be supporting the business in different ways. It can be support in hiring someone to do the work for you. Do you feel supported? I think that's the bigger question. Sometimes people look to their spouse, friends, and family for support. But is that really the support that’s moving you forward? Support from someone who knows what they're doing. Support from someone who is specifically trained to do what you need to do is the wise choice. Ask yourself, How much support do you have in your life? Do you feel supported? How do you want that to be better? How can you have more support? What would be ideal? That concludes the 5 parts of C-A-T-E-S. You now have the questions I invite you to answer in regard to every piece of C-A-T-E-S. These are the five crucial things that when in place, you're able to move forward faster. If you're thinking I don't want to move forward faster, then what they're gonna do is make your life
There's a three-phase model that I talk about in how I work with my clients. This is where I can help you implement C-A-T-E-S so you can move forward with CLARITY on what you should be working on, the CONFIDENCE to be able to go for it, and a TANGIBLE ACTION PLAN that will get you there faster and easier. I talked all about C-A-T-E-S during the Dynamic Women in Leadership Summit. If you were not able to attend, don’t fret! You can still access the recording of all the sessions and even receive special gifts from the speakers and gifts that will be sent to your doorstep! Just go to this link and learn more about C-A-T-E-S.
To all my lady leaders out there, it’s been more than two years since the pandemic started, how are you feeling today?  In this blog, I will share with you what leaders need post-COVID, but first, let’s define what a leader is. What is a leader? A female business leader in a corporation is often a manager, supervisor, a VP or the CEO. On the flip side, she could own her own business as a solopreneur, small business owner or entrepreneur. Either way, they're a leader in their own capacity in their community. There are other ways that you could be a leader too, so if you identify as a leader, then you’ll want to read on. You know that Leaders take care of others. Well Covid not only had us take care of more regulations, health policies and economic changes, but also increased the needs of our people and clients while at the same time lowered our bandwidth to deal with it. Yeah it was tough. You were responsible for other people, and therefore, their…
You have to take care of it and be a sounding board, understanding and follow the laws. There's a lot of burden and stress on you. I feel that as well with my community. I am the head of it. The one who even when things are hard for me I need to…
It can be draining at times. Agree? While it may have been nice that we're not commuting to work as much, and there are not as many events and things to go to, we’re also in a place right now where we have Zoom fatigue from being on the computer so much. We're maybe a little bit more stressed, or maybe not eating as well, or not taking as good care of ourselves because of everything that's going on. Three Things to Get You Going Again Leaders, I got your back! Here are some options of how to be able to get your spark or energy back. To recharge and be back fully in charge:
You need to be re-inspired to do what you do. That can come from new ideas or stories. The benefit of this is it can create action for you and improve your mindset. We often get inspiration from other people sharing their ideas and their stories of what they have done so that we can see what's possible out there. It opens up or shifts your mindset to think, “Wow, they could do that… I can do that, too!” or “There are a lot of similarities between us.” That's a really good idea. It's a really good option. It gives you hope, and a lot of our hope has been stripped from us with what's going on in the world today. Even with Covid easing off, there’s the war in Ukraine, natural disasters, and inflation. No matter what it is, there are things that are taking away your energy. Inspiration gives you your energy back. It invigorates you. But you have to be able to block everything out, and have a set amount of time so that when you hear these stories, your creative brain can take them in. Then when you're done feeling better, creative, and inspired, that will move you into action. Some people think, “I don't have time to be inspired. I don't have time to sit and listen to someone's story or have them share some new ideas with me.” Well, the thing is, when you come back, you're going to be re-energized. You're going to have inspiration, that's going to be the fuel to propel you forward through times when:
2. Connection You want to feel a sense of belonging with others, and maybe you were happy to be holed up in your home or in your office with your small bubble. But we really want a sense of belonging now more than ever.  Women were meant to hang out together. We're meant to be in a group. We're meant to be sitting around together, telling stories and connecting. When we connect to others there are many benefits:
There's been a lot of segregation, and a lot of isolating over the past few years. Me being a social butterfly, I thought that I'd be all over wanting to get back together, but part of me can't be bothered. Part of me thinks that's a lot of energy. However, when I do connect, even in small groups with people, there's this joy that comes up. Last May, I went to an online event with ICF (the International Coaching Federation) event because I'm a PCC (Professional Certified Coach). We’re in the breakout room, and I was chatting with a coach from Nigeria. That just made the world feel really small because I was seeing into his home. I was hearing about his day, his life, how he coaches and how he uses it in his work. It was super cool. Then talking with other people about our obstacles and hearing other people talk about their struggles was comforting to know that I'm not alone. The problem is we often don't get connected as leaders because we're supporting everyone else. It's oftentimes top-down and not that you're thinking you're better than them, but there is that disconnect. You're not able to be on the same level. You can't talk about your feelings with them. You can't be vulnerable with them. You have to keep a happy face on and lead everyone. It’s emotional labour and sometimes lonely. 3. Wisdom We have had to make so many important strategic, crucial decisions over the past few years
And a lot of it was with the mandates, restrictions and health measures. Wouldn’t it be nice for once to just be told what to do? To know there are proven techniques we can just follow? It’s a wise decision to have someone else figure things out and tell us the wisdom, tell us the knowledge, tell us the expertise. It gives us a bit of a break. Yes, leaders need a break. We need to have some time where we don't have to figure it all out ourselves. It'd be nice to be able to say, “Tell me ABCD steps, and I'll do them.” In one of my pilates classes, my instructor Karen told us, “Now if you want to add into bicep curls, you can do those now. Too.” We all started doing them. I joked to her, “Don't ask me if I want to do them. Just tell me to do it.” A lot of times we know what to do. But boy, it’s just so much easier when someone tells us. We don’t have to figure it all out. We don't even have to research it if someone else has done it and uses a proven technique or a proven process that gets results. So don’t feel bad about going to experts to be shown what to do. It’s a valuable investment of time and money PLUS their wisdom can get you ahead faster that you can and that action will give you so much momentum and motivation. Your ROI is guaranteed if you do it this way. It's so much nicer. These are the three things I think all leaders need post-COVID: inspiration, connection, and wisdom. One way to get all these three without even leaving like you don't have to leave the comfort of your own home is by attending Dynamic Women events. You don't have to go into big crowds. You don't have to invest a ton of money. You can be inspired by the stories and information I share or my guests share. You’ll be able to connect with other women attending. On top of that, you’ll get wisdom that you can use in your life and business. To be updated with our events, join the Dynamic Women Global Community! Read my other blogs here:
Have you ever had someone hate on you or troll your posts and make mean comments? In my last blog, I told you about the six levels of shining. Now, let me tell you…as soon as you start shining, many people will see you in a positive light and compliment you. It will feel amazing and to them you say, “Thank you!” Then there is a chance that others will be jealous and say mean things about you to your face, online or to others. I’ve felt it and it sucks how it can cause you to doubt yourself and want to fly under the radar. Don’t hide away! Don’t take their words to heart! Instead I’ve got some tips for you.  Here are the five steps you can take in those moments in order to be able to deal with haters. Step 1: Ask yourself, “Does this person's opinion matter to me?” This is especially true in cases online when you don't even know them. They think they know you based on what you've put online or how they see you from afar, but they don't. That person doesn't have any importance in your life. What if it is someone whose opinion does matter, like a loved one, a friend, or a co-worker? If the person's opinion matters because you care about them deeply or because you have an obligation to them like a boss, then we're going to move on to step two. If it doesn't matter, then you can just let it go and jump straight to step four. Step 2: Open your ears and protect your heart The words for this Step are what was said to me by the Ultrasound Tech when I was doing genetic testing with my first baby. The ultrasound was to see if our baby would be normal and would not have any health problems. The person doing the ultrasound couldn't tell me what the answer was, it had to go through the doctor. Before I left to hear the results she said to me, “When you go and see the doctor, open your ears, but close your heart.” That basically meant: take the facts in and don't let it impact you emotionally or personally. If a boss or family member says something negative to you at that moment, take the info into your mind and close off your heart so it doesn't deeply impact you. I know that it’s not always easy to deal with it in the moment and know exactly what to say in response to negative or hurtful comments, so let’s move to Step 3. Rather than it taking you to a place of lack of worth and limiting beliefs. We need to get to that place of, “Okay, this is not going to affect me long term and affect me personally.” To do that, let's go to the next step. Step 3: Be curious and look for fact Let’s say in a meeting at work with a potential buyer, you were so excited about a new product and its launch. But afterwards your boss says, “You talked a lot, you were very loud and you were so excited.” So you close off your heart as in Step 2 and you ask yourself these three questions:
Here are the specific questions from my example and some possible answers:
Being excited, talking passionately and talking loudly can be a good thing - you’ve seen this with memorable speakers like Tony Robbins, and Martin Luther King. But after being curious and looking for facts you can see how you came across and then decide if you want to change anything. Now you're in a place of learning, which is great. Now that you have the info, you can get into action by asking yourself, “What do I want to do now?” In this situation, you might practice your pitch before a meeting, you may pause in the meeting to check in with the potential buyer, and you could have a code signal with your boss if you do get too excited or loud. What happens if you can’t find any facts?
In some cases, you can ask the person. Like in my example you could ask your boss to explain the impact they saw in talking a lot and being excited. This happened in my example from a past blog when I was talking with this woman at my church retreat who said I was too much. I did some soul searching, reflected and asked myself the questions about if I was too much, I even asked someone else who was at the retreat and we couldn’t find truth in her comments, so I had to go to her. I let her know her comments upset me and I wanted to talk about it. She agreed and I asked, “Can you explain to me how I'm too? Can you share what I did that made you not like it?” It's funny because she didn’t have any examples of what the negative was. In the end, she said, “It’s actually not you. It's me. I'm realizing I don't like myself.” This broke my heart and made me realize where her comments were really coming from.  This completely changed things. You see, sometimes there isn’t truth to people’s negativity. That’s why a lot of times we need to just ignore it and protect our heart. Thankfully, I was able to have that conversation. But you can’t always have that conversation, especially if it's someone online or maybe you don’t want to because it’s a family member or someone who you just can’t win with. I have had clients with narcissists in their lives and you should just not engage. But if you're curious, you might get the understanding out of it. So in that hypothetical work situation that I gave, if you’re talking a lot and someone else didn't get to talk, then maybe it's more so that they wanted to shine and they didn't get to. On the flip side, you could have been exactly what the potential buyer wanted and now they’re your client because they loved you. But your boss was jealous of the attention you were getting. Knowing that helps you to gauge for next time and adapt. If someone tells me the negative reason or the negative results, obviously, I'm going to want to change my actions. Not necessarily change myself but change my actions so that I can have a better result and have a better connection. Be curious like a five-year-old would be curious, with your heart protected and your ears open. Step 4: Get support from those you trust This is the step you jump to if you've got a troll on social media, and you're feeling like, “Why did they say that mean thing to me? Oh, I'm never going to do a video again because they said this about me.” Then, you get support from those you trust. You go to the friends and you say, “Friend, this is what was said. This is what happened. This is how I'm feeling.” That's what I have had to do like in the example above and when someone was slandering me. I had to go to my friends and ask, “Am I really like that? Are they correct?” They responded, “Absolutely not. Not at all.” They were ready to go to bat for me on this.  When you go to someone you trust, they might tell you, “Well, actually, yeah. I can see how that's the case and maybe do this next time.” Just like I’d prefer to have someone tell me I have broccoli in my teeth, I’d like feedback on where I don’t realize I am doing something with bad results. I trust them, so I can be vulnerable and ask for their opinion without being in shame or guilt. Three benefits are:
Step 5: Continue to shine and sparkle This is the most important step. Continue to shine and sparkle. Why? The world needs more SHINE. Yes, you may repel some people, but they're not YOUR people. Remember when you shine a new sparkle, you're going to be able to bring in and attract:
But if you are going to dull your sparkle, if you're going to hide it away, you're missing out. You're missing out on so many rewards. You have an amazing opportunity to increase your ability to shine if…
If any of these are true for you or you just feel like you want to SHINE more, then I do encourage you to do the Dynamic You Program. You can do the program and get the book. What I have seen is that those who take the program with me and the other ladies always get a better result. If you can only get the book then go for it. I've made that an option for those of you who financially need another option. To wrap this up, don't ever let anyone dull your sparkle and if someone does then go through the 5 Steps. If you believe that you are being a good person and you're being naturally yourself, and you're not harming anyone, then you are wonderful the way you are. There is no need for you to change who you are. You may just want to change some of your actions. But don't let someone else's negativity, someone else's jealousy, or someone else's comparison to you be the reason why you're not allowed to shine and sparkle. You were destined to do life in your own way. We're all shining and sparkling in our own ways. Maybe some of us more than others. That's okay. But don't ever let anyone dull your sparkle, go through the five steps and get yourself back to where you need to be.
Have you ever had someone say bad things about you and tell you that “You're too much!” and they dull your sparkle?  In my last blog, I talked about why we should stop telling others they’re too much. This happened a couple of times within a three-month period. I did some self-reflection and asked friends. I realized that even in talking to one of the people who said mean things about me, I realized I was not the culprit. I alluded before to this time in my life when I was being tested. I was being challenged in “Am I really who I am meant to be” and “Am I showing up in this really great way?” I knew I was my true self and so it was very hurtful those things were said. The funny thing is a little while later, a friend who I thought knew all about this incident gave me a gift. It was a frame with the writing, “Don't ever let anyone dull your sparkle.” I said to her, “This is so fitting because of the challenges I've been through with others.” She asked, “What challenges?” She didn’t know! I asked her why she gave me that gift and she said, “Well, you have a sparkle when you are coaching clients, on stage or just in your regular life. I just don't want that to ever change for you.” How amazing is that? On the flip side of those negative people, I've got this amazing supporter. Please note: I'm going to intermix the words “shine” and “sparkle. I'll probably move to the word “shine” a little bit more because it is the 9th Pillar of being a Dynamic Woman. It's the final pillar after the other 8 because of its importance and the need to work through the challenges of not being able to shine. That's why I'm saying don't tell people there too much. Don't take away people's sparkle because it possibly took them a long time to get to the point where they're able to actually shine and sparkle. What does it mean to sparkle and shine If you have the Dynamic You book or you've taken the program, please refer back to Pillar 9. It's kind of like the idea of “shine bright like a diamond” in Rihanna’s song. What I see in this regard is diamonds are high value, right? They're high quality. They're strong, and they're absolutely gorgeous. You're mesmerized by them when you look at them. Or think about crystals. Just that glorious brightness and you're drawn to it. You're pulled in. Other words that describe someone who can shine or someone who sparkles would be:
Have you had moments like this? It could be when you're in your personal life, like when you’re telling a fun story or baking. It can also be in your professional life, like for me, I've heard from others that when I'm on stage, when I'm presenting, when I'm working with someone, these are some of the moments that I'm shining. Think of a time when you’ve seen someone singing, and they’re really connecting with the music and their emotions. How did you feel about it? Even if they aren’t the best technical singer you might still think, “Wow, that was amazing. They're a superstar.”  The Six Levels of Shining If you have the Dynamic You book, this is on page 121. Level 1: Hiding You're hiding. Rather than being out and shining, you're staying home. You're holding back. You're keeping yourself in. Because you're hiding, you're not shining, really at all. Level 2: Invisible You go out to events, and you meet people when you reach out. Even though you're at events, and you do things, you're still kind of invisible. You're not getting much attention. No one's paying much attention to you at all. Not much is happening from you or for you. When you leave the event, no one really notices. Level 3: Blending in Yes, you're there. You're at the event or you're at the function. You're around people and they know you exist. But more or less, you're just a body in the room. You're not putting anything out, you're not shining in any way that makes you different from anyone else. Imagine going to an event and everybody's wearing the same thing. Or in the wintertime how everyone likes to wear black, blue, or gray coats. If we think of it in terms of your appearance, you really blend in with everyone else wearing the same uniform as them. Maybe you're too quiet. Maybe you don't speak up or ask questions. That's blending it. You're just like everyone else. As we get into level four, we're starting to get a little bit of sparkle and starting to shine just a tiny bit. Level 4: You're seen At this level, we start to shine. If we have a neutral place on the scale, or middle point, we are now past that and crossing into shine territory. If you are a level four, you're being seen. You show up, and people see you, and people know you're there, and people meet you. They may even get a feeling about you, but it's more of an external, shallow feeling. You're simply seen. It's not that you're shallow. It's that the way they're experiencing you is in a shallow capacity. Level 5: Being witnessed If we go a little bit further towards shining, we're being witnessed. Being witnessed means you're not only seen, but you share, by communicating in one way or another. You share, and people get a greater understanding of who you are. You're discussing something. You grab a microphone or you ask a question. You're on stage discussing something. You open up a little bit more and when you're being witnessed, you're seen for some of the things that make you unique, so maybe your values, your gifts, your skills come out more truly of who you are.  You are seen in a way so people can begin to appropriately define you and describe you to someone else. If you think of someone you have just seen around, maybe you’ve seen them in various places, or at select events. You can SEE them, but you don't really know them. It's like we're witnessing people, but you don't have the deep understanding, you're not fully pulled in, however, you start to see a little bit of the underneath. That underneath starts to make you be like, “Wow, this is a really cool person, I really like this person.” You're witnessing them in who they are, how they are. You're seeing that deeper part. Level 6: Shining Your deeper inner self is seen by others. It's kind of hard when you go to some events, and you don't really have the time to talk to anybody. Or if you host a party or a dinner and you don't have time to make those deep one-on-one connections with your guests. That's if you are a shining person, and then in those instances, you're like, “Ah, this sucks, I can’t connect with others.” When you're shining, you are in your core competencies. That means the gifts, the skills, the talents that you have. These are the things that people are destined to do. These are the things that you can use to leave a legacy. Before, people have said to me:
That's because in those moments, I am maybe smiling. I'm beaming with excitement and you can feel my heart in those cases. My friend posted a picture of herself on social media and I stopped scrolling. Even though it wasn't the best quality photo, I couldn't stop staring because I could see her spirit and the essence of who she is shining out of this photo of her. She said, “This is how I feel. This picture shows how I feel as a person.” I agreed because that's exactly how I see her. We maybe aren't shining to everyone or in every moment (we’re not meant to). We should feel privileged to see someone else when they're shining… to witness that and then be in the presence of it is pretty amazing and even better to be shining yourself. But the key thing around shining is that we need to do it more. Think of the moments you were shining and go do more of it! In my next blog, I will share with you the five steps you can take when someone is trying to dull your sparkle. P.S. Be supported by a community of female business leaders who come together to connect, share, grow, and be inspired. Join the free community Dynamic Women Global Community. Read my other blogs here:
Are you sick of people telling you that you are too much? Or is there someone in your life that you feel is too much?  We as a society need to stop telling people that they are too much. Being told that you are too much is such a hurtful thing. Let me share with you my personal experience and what I’ve seen with my clients having other people tell them they were too much, whether it be:
It's really sad because how long have these women worked to feel like they are enough? In a lot of the work that I do, the number one limiting belief I hear from my clients, and audience members is “I am not enough”. It then moves into them feeling, “I'm not worthy”. The result is:
Then we have this issue that when they finally come to that place of feeling confident and getting into their skills and their talents and really living fully as who they are, being truly themselves and other people come across and say, “You're wrong. Who you are is absolutely too much. Therefore, you are wrong.” As a person, it truly sucks. I'm really annoyed about it. I've interviewed women in leadership roles, women who are successful in their business, and some of them say,
It's sad. Why are we telling the people who are being truly themselves that they need to change? Brene Brown has done so much research in finding out that “I'm not enough” is truly the number one limiting belief. It drives me crazy that we are doing things as a society, telling people that they're wrong for who they are being. My Experiences I've had experiences as a child being told I have too much charisma, excitement and energy for things at school and for sports. People told me to settle down, calm down or talked about me behind my back. This was hard because I didn't always want to do things and didn't always want to be there, but I always did my best. As an adult, I've had this happen in business settings. It's so confusing when I have some people telling me that I'm amazing and they love these things about me then I have others saying the opposite. I even had this happen at a church retreat I was at. Someone who I thought I could trust and I had been vulnerable with ended up telling a group of strangers… women that I hadn't met yet… that I was too much, too confident, and too dynamic. It hurt me to the core. It made me feel like I was wrong for being me. And the worst part is that I was sitting at the table when she did it and I had to suppress my true reaction:
Very stealthily I guess, I hid the hurt and left. This happened over dinner, and I felt like I didn’t want to go back to the events in the evening. I didn't want to face everybody. I was so embarrassed, mad and upset. The leaders and women I work with also have faced this. They have people who adore them, are fans of them, and love them as their true selves. Then there are other people that say they're too much. It sometimes comes up when we do the 360-feedback survey with them. When I go through this with clients through a 360 survey, we can survey their friends, employees, people on their team, colleagues, peers, coaches, other mentors, bosses, etc. Sometimes the feedback is that they're too much for some reason or another. It's heartbreaking to have to be the one to tell them because the reason why they are too much in someone’s eyes is often the reason they have been so successful. But we spend the time deciphering if there is truth in that. At the retreat, I had to do the same, but I had to figure it out on my own. So I’m back in the room (that we were sharing), I'm crying. I'm alone. I'm questioning myself… Was she right? Was this true about me? I said “No, I've done the work. I am authentically myself. If someone else can't handle it, it's not about me anymore.” You see, I have spent so many years working on myself. So many years clearing up my flaws, my weaknesses, and toning down who I am so other people would feel “comfortable”. When you tone down who you are, your people can't find you. Your people don't know where you are. Your people need you; especially if the work you do makes you their solution. But if they can't find you because you're dulling yourself, we have a problem. The world already has enough problems and you not being yourself shouldn’t be one of them. I knew I had to talk to her and fix it (we were staying in the same room and I was driving her home), so a few hours later we had a chat. I was so surprised when she said to me, “Diane, I don’t like myself. I don’t understand why you would be my friend and why you have been so kind to me.” She didn't understand how I could be her friend because I’m so confident and successful. That just broke my heart and had me understand why she said what she said and why she did what she did. There are too many people out there telling others that they're too much, but since there's no opportunity for conversation, there's no opportunity to repair the relationship.  It's heartbreaking when someone is shining brightly in what they are meant to do, shining brightly like a lighthouse. And you know why a lighthouse shines… so others can see them and get to shore safely. It’s the same with people when they are in their own storm and in the craziness of the water, they need to know who to go to solve their problem and get them safely to shore again. If I toned down my personality, if I wasn't who I was, I wouldn't have been able to help the tens of thousands who have looked to me for coaching, guidance, and support to be able to have their own clarity, increased confidence and be following an action plan. Why do the people who are shining brightly have to change? Instead, society needs to change. The people who are telling them that they're too much need to change. There are some moments and people who aren't considerate of others and are taking the spotlight and are shining so brightly all the time and it's tiring to be around them. I get that. I'm very energetically sensitive and I feel that from others. I try to meet people with their energy, and if they have lower energy, I'm either going to try to pick them up, or I'm going to come back down to where they are. I watched an episode of American Idol and there was a guy auditioning who was singing very well, but also running around the stage. It was too much. It took away from his sheer talent. His skills and talents didn’t need all the flashiness. When he toned it down in later episodes, we heard him better. I get it that in certain situations that's how it needs to be. But it really sucks when you have goals, ambitions, and instead of putting your neck out to reach for them, you'd rather take the backstage. You push it aside for fear of what other people are going to say. Has this happened to you? We have to stop taking the wind out of these other people’s sails. We must consider that they have fought hard for where they're at. If we want to encourage women to move forward in leadership and encourage women to step into their full being, we need to stop cutting their legs off. We have to stop the whole tall poppy syndrome where people act on an often subconscious feeling of, “Oh, they're doing well up there, let's knock them down”. Or that idea of the crabs in a bucket where you can throw crabs in the bucket with no lid and none of them will get out because even if they climb to the top, others will grab them and pull them down. Men vs Women I haven’t done the research to know if women are doing this more to other women than men are. But in my experience, when I'm brought into corporate, I initially thought the men were holding the women back. But what I found in working with groups of women in corporate was that the women were afraid to step up, afraid to stand out, because if they stood out too much, others would take them down. And, often it was women who did it to women! If they were vulnerable, others would use that as ammo to take them out. It's sad. It's so sad. What You Can Do I encourage you, if somebody in your life is too much can we let them know nicely? (As I said, I get there are moments, situations and certain people who haven't done the work, they're inconsiderate, and so they're too much.) So instead of cutting them down and telling them they’re wrong for who they're being, can we change our choice of words to talk more about their behaviour? We can start off by telling them about the qualities we do like in them. We can praise, motivate, and encourage the good qualities they have.  Going back to the guy who auditioned on American Idol, we can take my previous suggestion to the next step by adding in compliments on something they improved, by saying things like:
Maybe you've seen a speaker who was moving all around the stage, someone on video or talking to you in person who is talking so quickly with too much energy or sound. You probably felt like saying, “Man, that's too much” or “This person is talking too loud or too fast.” Instead you can make a request, “Hey, do you mind just slowing down a little bit?” Instead of saying that someone's too much, how about you look instead to what it is about them that's too much for you and bring it back to yourself. Like that situation I was in where I was able to have the conversation, I realized it wasn't about me. Yes, what I did was triggering it, but it was her lack of love of self that caused her to say that about me. Let's be encouragers rather than discouragers. Because I'll tell you, with the women who didn’t love herself, she could have been lifted up with ten amazing compliments, but if even one person told her she was too much, it negates every positive thing that's been said. I know that sometimes in my life, when I've been low, I didn’t want to be around someone that was uber positive, loving life and successful. I get that. But that's on me. That’s my problem, not theirs. So, I focused on moving myself into a better position where I could work on me instead of cutting someone else down. I encourage you when you are looking at social media, meeting people, or there are other moments in your life when you hear others saying it, please call them out on it. Have you felt any of these:
If you said yes to any of them, then we can have a conversation. I want to be there to support you through it. It's not about you. If you've done the work, it's not about you. Schedule a call here. Shine like a lighthouse. You were meant to shine so your people can find you, whether it be your customers or your friends, or even a love interest. You deserve the ability to be yourself… your true self… your full self without anyone telling you that you're too much. Read my other blogs here:
1. How NOT to feel isolated 2. We are Starved for this - How to Deal with “I am NOT Enough” 3. D.R.I.V.E.: 5 Ways to Motivate Yourself Are you feeling overworked, overwhelmed, and spread too thin?  There are different ways you can spread yourself too thin and there are problems that come along with that. I want to focus on this idea of having too much on your plate or too many plates spinning at the same time. This can cause many negative outcomes…
What I saw in my client I've seen this in a few clients at different times. One client (who I will call Nadia) was sharing how mad she was that the sun was setting at 5:36pm. She was so angry about it, and I was shocked as it’s not common to be this mad about the sun setting at 5:30pm. What it meant for her was that she couldn't go out and run in the sunlight. It was changing the way she was living her life in the evenings, which was the only downtime she had. She was just flat-out working, so it wasn’t really the sunset she was mad at. Even when the sun was setting at seven, she was not getting home from work till after seven, close to eight. It meant that she didn't have time for herself. She was stressed and maybe you're feeling this as well.
Something might happen that becomes too much. Then if you get to the point of actually being sick, who's going to pick up all the things that you do? Now, I often see this in clients that I'm working with. Maybe you can relate in that you're:
The trouble is when you are this way and people find out, they come to you requesting you do more. Have you felt that? Have you felt that you’re always being asked to help?  The thing is you probably can get a lot done and that's why they come to you. Or you feel like you're volunteering for more things because you’re passionate about them and want to see change. The result is you end up with a lot on your schedule. This happened to Nadia. I understand that it's a privilege to be able to choose what your schedule is like. If you can’t, you may fall into one of these:
Even so, there are things you can do to stop yourself from being spread so thin that you're very frail and ready to break (or be mad at sunsets). I've seen a lot of people frail these days. A lot of people in lineups freaking out especially with customer service, being super rude to people. I've seen it in events and out when I’m driving. People are not able to handle things like they could before and their filter of respect, kindness and manners is becoming thin. But my bigger concern here is that you're depleting yourself to the point of anxiety, depression, and then stress-induced illnesses, adrenal fatigue, maybe the anxiety is revving up your blood pressure as well. I would hate for there to be longer-lasting ailments for you because of that stress. The 3 Solutions Let me go into three solutions that you can do. They don't cost you any money. They don't cost you any more time. There's no big process to doing them. 1. Listen to your gut When you get asked to do something or when there's an opportunity in a verbal invitation, or in an email, I want you to check in with your gut, your stomach, your intuition, that basically is going to tell you “Yes” or “No”. I get that sometimes it's a limiting belief voice that you're going to hear that says, “No, don't do that.” Because…
Of course, you're listening to make sure it's not your limiting beliefs. But a lot of times when I open my emails, and I get an invitation to come and speak at an event, do a collaboration with someone, or to have someone speak on my podcast, I look at it and I read it, and the best response is, “Hell yeah, let's do this. Let's make this happen. I'm excited.” The second response is it ends up making me say, “I need to think about this”, or “I need more information before I can decide, but I'm interested.” The last response is feeling a lack of energy, that void of excitement. This is telling you it’s not the right fit or that if you do do this, there is a chance it's going to deplete your energy. This is because if you're not in resonance (being in the energy and alignment), if you're not in that place, it's going to deplete your energy to do it. Have you ever said “Yes” to something, and then realized later that it was the wrong decision? You know that feeling that pops up to say, “I'm not liking this. This feels so hard. I don't want to do this.” Instead, if you trust your gut decision in the beginning, you can make a better decision on what you're putting on your plate. Think of your most favorite type of buffet (Chinese food, Mexican food, potluck, wedding, etc.) and then your favorite food there. For me, oftentimes I go for crab legs so I always make sure I have room for that on my plate. The thing is, you only have so much space on your plate just like you only have so much space in your life and you want everything on your plate to be a “Hell Yeah!” You don't want to put something on your plate from that buffet that you're like, “I don't really like that.” Personally, I’m not a parsley fan. If a salad is made with cilantro, I’d be all over it. But with parsley? Nah. Imagine if I was to get a massive scoop of salad with parsley and put it on my plate, it’s going to be hard to eat that. I’d become something you’d procrastinate on. It also takes space away from food that you actually like. Think about that. Everything you put in your calendar and your life should be a “Hell yeah”. Please know that it’s never too late to change your mind. Yes, you may have to finish your term, wind things down or find a replacement, but then you can let it go. 2. Say “No” and mean it When you listen to your gut and know the decision is no, then say “No” and mean it. If “No” is not a complete answer for you and you need to say more, don't apologize. It’s easier to say, “Yes” to something else, rather than say “No” to that. Let’s say you’re being asked to be on another board and you're already on some boards, you could say, “Thank you for inviting me. I'm already on two boards and that's my quota for boards this year.” Okay, easy. But maybe you’d rather say “Yes” to your family, your hobbies or just resting. If you want to keep it more generic, you could say, “I'm sorry it doesn't fit into my life right now. I really wish I could.” 3. Take some “Me” time What I've found in my life and over the past decade of serving my clients is that the start of the day is the perfect time for some time for yourself. For instance, first thing in the morning you can do:
 When you do that at the start of the day, it sets the foundation for the rest of the day, and helps you to handle the craziness of the day. Also, it then guarantees it won’t get pushed aside later in the day. If you have to take your “Me” time during your lunch hour or at the end of your day because you work a nine to five or have kids and you're crazy busy in the morning, that's fine!
It's a counterbalancing act. On one side, you work really hard, then you need to have a break to fill and recharge yourself. I hope you will stop spreading yourself so thin by listening to your gut, saying “No” and meaning it and then taking “Me” time. P.S. Join the Dynamic Women Global Community to come together to connect, share, grow, and be inspired by other female business leaders. Read more blogs here:
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