How to Stop Settling (Part 1)
If you’re feeling stuck in the same place or that you've given up on some of your goals, then read on.
I'm very blessed to have such amazing female business leaders as clients. Even though they can be really successful, there have been many times in my over a decade of coaching hundreds of women, where they figure out that they’re not happy in a certain area of their life or they’ve been settling.
Satisfaction or Settling?
A woman came to me for coaching so she could build a new business. She already had a business that was doing quite well and wanted to add on. In our very first coaching session, she realized that her new business venture wasn't a viable business, but what she was already doing was really good!
The real reason she wanted to step into the new venture was because it felt exciting, wonderful, and a new opportunity. While her business was doing well, we uncovered other aspects of her life where she felt that she was settling and the NEW business was a bandaid infusing more happiness. With some focused questions, it became clear she wanted a new studio space.
In this first step, we focused on how she could get a bigger, and brighter studio space that she’d love. So she up-leveled her space.
But what happens when we up-level one part of our lives, is that we want to uplevel other parts. It's kind of like when you renovate one part of your house or even if you just repaint or update a little bit with some cushions, you then look at other spaces in your house and realize you want to renovate that space, too. It’s like dominoes throughout your house.
This is what happens when we finally focus on a place that we've been settling in. The cool thing was that after she had the confidence of up-leveling and not settling anymore in her business and the space that she worked in, she started looking at other areas of her life. We looked at her life piece by piece to design what was ideal.
She realized she was not happy with her apartment anymore. She wanted a better one in a more convenient location. You know what she did? She up-leveled her apartment.
She looked at her relationships, mainly her love interest. She thought she’s not happy and that she’s only settling. She then moved on from her boyfriend.
This is what happens. When you have the courage to change one area of your life, you won’t settle anymore. Then you’ll get into the joy of really stepping it up and the confidence to be able to make changes increases.
This was just one example of someone who moved really quickly with coaching. In around 30 days: she had a new studio, a new apartment, and said goodbye to her boyfriend.
This is possible. I'm not saying you have to move this fast as it’s not the case for everyone. But it can happen quicker when you get clear on where you're settling and then you start making some steps towards not settling anymore.
What Does Settling Mean?
Let's talk about settling. Often it means that we're being ok with less than ideal:
For example, if you settle for less in your relationships, it may be because…
But you're settling for less because that person is not the right fit for you. Just like if you were settling for less in your career.
When they realize that they're settling for less, it usually comes from a place of not feeling happy. There's a little voice in their head that says:
Or it’s a very loud screaming voice that's like:
The loud voice, the small voice, eventually, what happens is, if we don't listen to these voices, they either get louder and more persistent or they end up just giving up. That fire we had for our dream or for some need that we had, eventually, becomes a small flame. Without focusing on it, hearing it, acknowledging it, we will eventually extinguish the spark.
Can you relate in some way? It’s like living in black and white or like Groundhog Day all the time.
If you're settling in your career, there's no joy there. There's no growth. Every Sunday night, there's the dread of going to work on Monday morning.
If you're settling in your marriage or in another relationship, like one with a friend, and you have desire for more, but you’re settling, you’ll tell yourself, “This is good enough, and I'm okay here.”
But the key questions to ask yourself are:
“Am I unhappy?”
Then ask yourself, “Am I truly happy?”
Now what you need to watch out for is, you might not be unhappy, but you might not be happy.
That's a very bad place to be in because it's neutral. It's like, all feeling has been lost. If there's no negative feeling, but there's no positive feeling, there's just nothing there. It's a void, and you're probably pretending to be happy. You're keeping up appearances. But again, you're extinguishing the part inside of you that wants things to be different.
So I ask you now, do you have the courage to speak out loud whatever it is that you want?
Do you have the courage to speak it out loud? Is there someone you can tell? Then once you say it, do you have the courage to leap or to go for it?
Over the past year, I've been supporting clients to make really great leaps and to be able to move past some places where they felt they were settling: I had a client that is selling her home, jumping into an RV and traveling around. What an exciting opportunity. She had the courage to leap.
I have other clients who are working on their relationships and being honest about where they're at. Whether that means staying together and figuring it out or divorce. They had the courage to speak it out loud. Another client said that she felt it was a leap to invest in coaching for herself and it was an amazing decision she made.
This might have opened up some questions for you or the desire to move forward and not settle. Let’s chat. You can reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org to have a chat. Then in my next blog, I will share with you the 3-step process I teach my clients to help them NOT settle.
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