Stop Helping Others...at Your Expense!

There is ONE thing that a lot of women do that feels good but hurts them - it’s putting other people's agendas before their own. It's saying “yes” to others before they say “yes” to themselves. 

The sad thing is, I see women do this all the time. ​

1. I see it in my clients. 
   
2. I see it when I speak on stages and women come up to me afterwards. 
   
3. I see it in my Dynamic Women® community.
   

I constantly see women putting others ahead of themselves.
Side note: 

• Yes, you should help others. 
• Yes, you should care for others. 
• Yes, there are times when others need to be put ahead of yourself. 

But I'm talking about this unbalance when these statements are true:

• “I'm going to take care of all of your needs at the detriment of my own.” 
  
• “I'm going to take care of all of your wants and ignore my own.”
  
• “I'm going to take care of your dreams, your goals, your agenda before my own to the point where I have no time, energy, money, confidence, and drive to take care of my own needs, wants, and priorities.”
  

And when it gets to that extreme level, it means you take care of other people to honor their values before you honor your own values. So how does this look?

Imagine yourself in these two true situations that I heard from my clients.

True Story 1:  I have a client who is a very loving Mom. The trouble was she wasn’t able to go away on the weekend because her daughter kept dropping her dog off at her house. It was happening a lot and for long periods of time and that meant that this client of mine wasn't able to have the freedom that she wanted. She missed out on so many invites for dinner dates, outings, and trips because the dog couldn’t be left alone. This made her resent her daughter.

True Story 2: A client of mine is a very successful personal trainer who has clients in different areas of the city.  My client said yes to serving a retired couple at 9am which was a time that worked best for them, which meant my client was travelling through the city during rush hour. Also, she was already serving people in that area later in the day and so it meant she was travelling there twice.  This caused her to miss out on adding in another training hour. It took her a lot more time to travel and caused her much stress.

If you give all day, there is nothing left for you. When you're busy fulfilling everyone else's agenda before your own, you’ll have nothing left to give. And then along with not focusing on your own agenda, you're also missing out on fulfilling your own dreams.

Yes, we need to care for others. And yes, we need to help others, but not to the detriment of ourselves. If we have time for ourselves, our cup gets filled. If we can do the things we want to do, our cup gets filled. If we honor our own priorities, our cup gets full. When our cup is full and overflowing into the saucer that is under the cup, we have more than enough to give.

By serving our own needs, wants, priorities, and goals, we then can bless others with the time, energy, and money that we have. When you make more money, you can give more money. When you have more time, you can give more time. 

I will leave you with a list of questions that you can ask yourself so you can fill your own cup:

• What are my needs and wants?
• Are my needs and wants being met?
• Do I have a full cup that is actually overflowing? Ideally, am I giving from my saucer because my cup is so full?
• Are my priorities being met?
• Am I able to fulfill my roles as a mom, a wife, a friend, business owner, etc. the way I want to?
• Are my goals and dreams on my own schedule?
• Am I serving others at the detriment of myself? ​

In the past, I've been known to go out of my way to help others so much that I suffered. And I see it in women all the time. I hope it doesn’t happen to you so have a hard look at how you’re doing and answer those questions. Post your comments about what insights this gave you.
We are taught to care. We are taught to give. We are taught to serve. We also need to be taught boundaries and making ourselves a priority. And we can help others once we are feeling enough… once we are filled up... once we have enough to be in a position to be able to give. 

Read my other blogs:
1. Overwhelmed with Overwhelm
2. Sometimes You Gotta Say No
3. 4 Crucial Questions About Your Life Path